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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some Mum's would prefer it if you weren't nice to your step child?!

194 replies

DudeIsADude · 07/06/2021 11:53

Last week my husband wasn't feeling great and so I took DSC out for the day with a friend and their children. Paid for a nice day out at a amusement place and everyone had a really good time.

Cue ranting text to DH about how I'm not DSCs Mum, not my kids etc etc.

I've had this before, they aren't "allowed" to go out with my family because they aren't my child and so on.

Honestly what is the problem? It feels like she'd actually prefer it if I was horrible to them.

I ignore it and we do our own things anyway but seriously AIBU to think some Mum's don't want you to be nice to their children?

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 07/06/2021 13:28

op dont you get it?

treat them like your own.... but DONT let them have anything to do with your family because that is taking serious liberties.

treat them like your own.... but DONT take them out when their dad is unwell because they're there to see him not you.

its sooooo simple op Grin

Original poster
DudeIsADude · 07/06/2021 13:29

Could it be that she wants the actual father to take them on days out and that is her issue

He does, I've never said he doesn't. He was ill though and the weather was gorgeous so instead of sitting around watching their Dad throw his guts up, we went out and had a nice day. What's the big deal?

OP posts:
JackieTheFart · 07/06/2021 13:29

^^can guess where @Brazilianut falls here!

So when we, as a family, go and stay with my parents for a long weekend, we should make alternative arrangements for DSS as he’s not related, or DH should just never spend time with his in-laws? Seriously? You’re more happy for the step child to not be included in parts of the family they’re not related to?

JackieTheFart · 07/06/2021 13:30

Just furthering the belief that step mums (in particular) literally can never get it right.

UnsureOfNC · 07/06/2021 13:30

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

yanbu - some mothers are definitely like this.

i was called all the names under the sun, not allowed near "her child" , told soooo many things were none of my business, but when dp was working and i was on mat leave, i was apparently totally suitable as an unpaid childminder - weird because i was a horrible bitch, evil, and many other things but totally fine to look after HER child when she needed me.

Are you me?!? I had the exact same!! She was telling everyone she was going to 'fucking kill me' and telling me to stop playing mum to HER child. Yet when i was on mat leave she was texting DP saying i don't help with childcare. One or the other. Not both
Peace43 · 07/06/2021 13:34

How odd. I want my DD to be happy. Happy at my house, happy at her Dad's house. He had an OH pre-covid and they went out a few times with DD. She liked the OH which was a relief to me. The only time I might get upset was if I felt DD was being pushed out because ex was too interested in new OH. If you want to take my DD out for the day you are welcome! I'd throw my ex-H in for free too Halo

KylieKoKo · 07/06/2021 13:38

@Brazilianut

Good grief the title of your post says a lot about you and how you feel about this situation after taking them out for one day.

You are taking serious liberties taking them to your family.

Could it be that she wants the actual father to take them on days out and that is her issue.

To be honest she possibly can sense what kind of step mum you are, taking them out for a day and spending money on them doesn’t mean you’re a great step mum. You sound immature and unable to navigate this very sensitive scenario and like you will cause problems for the children.

@Brazilianut you're totally right. A good step mum would have taken her own kids out only, leaving the step child at home with no food to be sensitive to the mum. The step child would have been really unhappy with this but the mum's feeling must come first at all times, even when its detrimental to the child.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/06/2021 13:43

Some people are difficult and illogical I guess! Mums, Dads, people who aren’t parents, whoever!

Personally I wouldn’t mind at all if my kids’ step mum (not married by ykwim) did this. She doesn’t at the moment but has her own tiny baby - didn’t live with their dad before baby.

Maybe she just wants the dad to do more with them, and he’s misinterpreted it? Or she’s being daft/ insecure/ whatever. Hard to know really!

ILoveYou3000 · 07/06/2021 13:45

*Good grief the title of your post says a lot about you and how you feel about this situation after taking them out for one day.

You are taking serious liberties taking them to your family.

Could it be that she wants the actual father to take them on days out and that is her issue.

To be honest she possibly can sense what kind of step mum you are, taking them out for a day and spending money on them doesn’t mean you’re a great step mum. You sound immature and unable to navigate this very sensitive scenario and like you will cause problems for the children.*

Projecting much?

OP isn't the one sounding immature here. How is including her DSC who lives with her 50% in family visits and fun days out while dad's poorly a bad thing?

Chances are OP, your DSC went to mum's and was talking about the day out positively, as kids do, and their mum has clearly got her back up out of jealousy. Don't allow it to affect what seems to be a positive relationship between you and your DSC.

Nietzschethehiker · 07/06/2021 13:46

I do think some DM are like this the same way some SM are unreasonable. I know a couple of DM who are desperate to one up the SM and find a way to show they are not doing right. It definitely comes from a place of insecurity.

I completely get the frustration of the "Disney dad" because I have an exdh who can be like that a lot (and to the snarky comment at the start ....clearly you don't actually understand what that means... actual Disney dads are not great parents and it can be really destabilising for DC) but that's clearly not what's happening here. If you have them 50:50 what are you supposed to do when they are with you? Sit quietly in a darkened room?

MN do rather like to come down on the side of the DM constantly but in reality like everyone else some are good and some are bad. In all honesty though it's your DP that needs to resolve but I get your frustration. Including them in your family and roles is how its supposed to be surely? Don't we all wax lyrical about families being all shapes and sizes ? Why shouldn't SDC have a relationship with your extended family ?

Meh not all DM are right and nor are all SM. For context I am a resident DM but I don't like the assumption on MN that all resident DM are automatically right. God knows I've screwed up a few times.

NormanStangerson · 07/06/2021 13:53

This reply has been deleted

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stackemhigh · 07/06/2021 13:53

@DudeIsADude

She used to be okay actually. It's since I had DC of my own. Then it's been my DC your DC.

Funnily though if she ever wants to do something and DH isn't around she doesn't mind if I offer to watch them then.

This needs to stop. Say no to taking the kids in her time until she stops treating you like a random person in her children's lives.
stackemhigh · 07/06/2021 13:55

@Brazilianut

Good grief the title of your post says a lot about you and how you feel about this situation after taking them out for one day.

You are taking serious liberties taking them to your family.

Could it be that she wants the actual father to take them on days out and that is her issue.

To be honest she possibly can sense what kind of step mum you are, taking them out for a day and spending money on them doesn’t mean you’re a great step mum. You sound immature and unable to navigate this very sensitive scenario and like you will cause problems for the children.

You sound very bitter.

It's absolutely none of the ex's business whether it's OP or their dad who takes them out. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Snookie00 · 07/06/2021 13:56

And right on cue, one of these mums turns up in this thread to back up what others are saying about how petty and irrational some mums can be. Well done @Brazilianut for giving a perfect case study of the hatred some mums show to their exes new partner.

Dragonn · 07/06/2021 13:56

My DSS stopped buying me flowers for mothers day when his DM had a go at him. He was 17 at the time and wanted to show his appreciation. We had them 50 % plus shift coverage.

I'm addition, she was very unhappy I was working on GSCE revision with my other DSS, during my maternity leave, because both mother and father had failed to recognise he was not doing any thing at all and clearly needed help sorting it all out. I got the relevant books and we worked through them together.

No one cares though!

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/06/2021 14:17

You’re not alone OP, as you see.

When mine were younger I did a lot of crafts with them and if they ever took anything back to their mum’s - that they’d made - she threw it straight in the bin. Likewise anything they’d baked, not that I’d baked, but they’d baked. They soon stopped telling her anything we’d done or taking anything back. Sad for them, nasty of her, no skin off my nose.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/06/2021 14:28

My DS has a "stepmum" although she's not married to my ex and she would hate to be called stepmum.

I absolutely want her to be nice to DS and we all get along great. My ex came round to do a bit of DIY for me and she took DS out on a bike ride to give me a break. She has her own business and I do a bit of work for her sometimes.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/06/2021 14:29

@Brazilianut

Good grief the title of your post says a lot about you and how you feel about this situation after taking them out for one day.

You are taking serious liberties taking them to your family.

Could it be that she wants the actual father to take them on days out and that is her issue.

To be honest she possibly can sense what kind of step mum you are, taking them out for a day and spending money on them doesn’t mean you’re a great step mum. You sound immature and unable to navigate this very sensitive scenario and like you will cause problems for the children.

My DS has a stepmum and I think you sound pathetic.
NashvilleQueen · 07/06/2021 14:32

My daughters' step-mother is just lovely. She loves and cares about them and it makes me much happier knowing she's around. I get on well with her and on a limited basis (and around childrens' birthdays and Christmas etc) we happily socialise together.

sueelleker · 07/06/2021 15:28

@NormanStangerson

Is *@Brazilianut* a troll or just a mad twat?
Or possibly DSC's Mum?
TartanDMs · 07/06/2021 15:36

DH's ex was a bit of a knob when my parents took DSS to Florida with my younger sister (they are the same age) when they were teens, because she thought that it would make him look down on the holidays to Spain and Greece with her (the only time he ever spent overnight time with her as he lived with us). She thought if anyone took him to Disneyworld it should be her.

DSS told her that he considered them his grandparents and my sister was like a sister to him, and wasn't the point of families to share different things? She came round and was OK about it every time after that. I think it just took her to see that it wasn't a threat to her position, and for him to tell her that - obviously he was a teen so was old enough to understand and explain his thoughts, it's different with small children, particularly those who are in a shared custody situation.

Mabelone · 07/06/2021 15:40

The perils of getting with someone with children. You can’t do right for doing wrong in the SP role.

Brazilianut · 07/06/2021 16:23

No hatred at all towards step mums. But there is a lot of hate towards me for having a different view.

My brother is a step-dad and a marvellous one at that and doesn’t brag about any time or money spent on the children. Anyone would understand the natural parents protective instincts right or wrong and work to mitigate them for the sake of the children and it isn’t easy.

However, you really need a mature head on your shoulders to make it work. Making a whiny thread after having spent one day in an arcade saying ‘step mums would prefer it if you were horrible to their children’ is a vile generalisation.

How many step-mums come on to MN with threads that make me shudder.

LizzieW1969 · 07/06/2021 16:23

My DSis has a DSS, who is now in his 20s. She was his primary carer for a few years when his mum moved away with her new partner. She loves him as much as her own younger DC, but has always been very careful not to step on his mum’s toes.

They developed a good rapport; his mum even got wise to him trying to play them off against each other. So it can work well, if the adults involved want it to, for the sake of the children.

It sounds like you’re a lovely stepmum, OP, and it’s sad that the mum feels threatened by that. What did she think you should have done other than take her DC with you? Their dad wasn’t well, after all, so it’s perfectly normal to take the kids out for the day, to give him a chance to recover.

jimmyjammy001 · 07/06/2021 16:24

Meh, this is part and parcel of dating somebody with children I'm afraid, You being the step parent will never win, will allways just have to accept it even if you disagree