To think some Mum's would prefer it if you weren't nice to your step child?!

[DudeIsADude]

Last week my husband wasn't feeling great and so I took DSC out for the day with a friend and their children. Paid for a nice day out at a amusement place and everyone had a really good time.

Cue ranting text to DH about how I'm not DSCs Mum, not my kids etc etc.

I've had this before, they aren't "allowed" to go out with my family because they aren't my child and so on.

Honestly what is the problem? It feels like she'd actually prefer it if I was horrible to them.

I ignore it and we do our own things anyway but seriously AIBU to think some Mum's don't want you to be nice to their children?

@trappedsincesundaymorn

Why would you be a bitch for being an excellent step mum awarded custody? As mentioned before my brother is a step dad and I’m very proud of him.

There are great step parents but equally judging from some of the threads on MN I’ve seen some not so great ones,

[quote Brazilianut]@ILoveYou3000 apologies there, you are right I read that wrong. I am neither a SM nor do my children have a SM.[/quote]
Thank fuck for small mercies.

@PollyPepper
I never said OP wasn’t nice to her step kid or even implied that, dunno where you got that.

There are great step parents but equally judging from some of the threads on MN I’ve seen some not so great ones

The same as parents then...some good, some bad.

@jimmyjammy001

Meh, this is part and parcel of dating somebody with children I'm afraid, You being the step parent will never win, will allways just have to accept it even if you disagree

Urrr...no, SM's do not have to accept being called rude names, sworn at and being belittled for daring to care for someone else's child.

How often do you take the kids when your DH has them?
It sounds like she’s fed up of him getting other people to look after them when they go to see him.
I don’t think this is about you but you’ve just got caught in the cross fire.

Speaking from the perspective of a mum whose kids have a stepmum, I would not rant and call you names etc. BUT if my ex-H was ill and couldn’t care for the kids, I’d want them to come home to me, because after all it’s supposed to be contact with their dad not their stepmum. Not that I have ever actually objected to stepmum care when their dad was unavailable for whatever reason, I’ve just felt cross about it!

That said, now they have half siblings, they obviously want to see them, so their dad being around is less important, because it’s worth them being their to see their sibs.

@toocold54

How often do you take the kids when your DH has them? It sounds like she’s fed up of him getting other people to look after them when they go to see him. I don’t think this is about you but you’ve just got caught in the cross fire.

Not often at all. We go to see my family sometimes but DH has always been with us that I can remember except one time and another couple of times where my parents were taking our DC out and took DSC too.

DSC really like my parents and quite often ask if they can see them.

@LaProcureure

Speaking from the perspective of a mum whose kids have a stepmum, I would not rant and call you names etc. BUT if my ex-H was ill and couldn’t care for the kids, I’d want them to come home to me, because after all it’s supposed to be contact with their dad not their stepmum. Not that I have ever actually objected to stepmum care when their dad was unavailable for whatever reason, I’ve just felt cross about it!

That said, now they have half siblings, they obviously want to see them, so their dad being around is less important, because it’s worth them being their to see their sibs.

She was working so they couldn't have gone back to her anyway.

@LaProcureure

Speaking from the perspective of a mum whose kids have a stepmum, I would not rant and call you names etc. BUT if my ex-H was ill and couldn’t care for the kids, I’d want them to come home to me, because after all it’s supposed to be contact with their dad not their stepmum. Not that I have ever actually objected to stepmum care when their dad was unavailable for whatever reason, I’ve just felt cross about it!

That said, now they have half siblings, they obviously want to see them, so their dad being around is less important, because it’s worth them being their to see their sibs.

So you'd want your kids to return home last minute forcing you to miss a day of work rather than go out with their step mum? I'd rather my DS just enjoyed the day in that case. Their father was ill. I don't see the issue.

If OP's husband had done that he'd likely be flamed for not doing all the harder parts of parenting .. like arranging childcare when he's sick. Which he did. Seems a bit like you can't win either way.

And I get the whole 'contact is for the Dad not the step mum' but does it really have to be so rigid? They are here 50:50 not a tiny amount does it matter if the odd time they don't spend all of it with their Dad?

I see that @DudeIsADude and as I said - you’re the mum of their siblings, so dad being around isn’t the whole story anymore.

I also think them spending time with your family is actually important- I know my kids really value the fact they are accepted by their step-parents’ families.

What I failed to do in my first post, was properly explain that I understand how their mum feels, but also I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong.

@LaProcureure good to hear your experience, I think a lot of mums would feel like you do.

Such hateful comments and insults on this thread from people incapable of mature debate.

@Rtmhwales

No, I wouldn’t expect them to come home - I’ve never asked for that in those circumstances. I was just empathising with how their mum might feel.

Thanks @Brazilianut. I posted without reading the thread, and didn’t realise what a bunfight it had become…😳

God forbid anyone empathise with the mum on this thread 😁

I thought it might be helpful to OP - the mum probably isn’t acting out of spite, but more likely hurt/ feeling jealous. It might help OP feel less shite and getting a shitty response to doing a nice thing!

Would she prefer it if your stepchild sat on the end of the sofa watching his Dad be sick?

@LaProcureure what you said was perfectly balanced for both sides but no one is interested in that. Don’t worry, mums everywhere DO and would understand you.

@LaProcureure

I thought it might be helpful to OP - the mum probably isn’t acting out of spite, but more likely hurt/ feeling jealous. It might help OP feel less shite and getting a shitty response to doing a nice thing!

I get where you're coming from, somewhat. But trying to soothe the mum's feelings would come at expense of their child doing something fun and pleasant - spending time with their extended family and half siblings. In divorce, where I live anyway, it's meant to be about what's in the best interests of the child, not the divorced parents. I would feel happy my DS was included in this case, not bitter and resentful.

I should realise now @Brazilianut that MN is not the place for thoughtful replies…🤣

When we had my DSSs 50/50 they actually lived with us. It wasn't really contact time. They lived in their home and we were a family for that time doing all the things family do. Plenty of times me was just me and them. When I had their sister, they spent even more time with me and her.

@LaProcureure that’s what I mean, you’re coming at it from the perspective of a mum, trying to help OP understand why, instead of attacking her.

Instead OP and a few unhinged women on here just attack mums and have attacked me for begging to differ.

The title alone is enough for me!

@Rtmhwales

I didn’t say the mum’s feelings should soothed, or that the kids should come back. I have quite literally said the opposite. Just empathised with why she’s been shitty about it. I don’t endorse her behaviour! I’ve certainly never behaved that way myself! I have a completely cordial relationship with my kids’ SM.