To think some Mum's would prefer it if you weren't nice to your step child?!

[DudeIsADude]

Last week my husband wasn't feeling great and so I took DSC out for the day with a friend and their children. Paid for a nice day out at a amusement place and everyone had a really good time.

Cue ranting text to DH about how I'm not DSCs Mum, not my kids etc etc.

I've had this before, they aren't "allowed" to go out with my family because they aren't my child and so on.

Honestly what is the problem? It feels like she'd actually prefer it if I was horrible to them.

I ignore it and we do our own things anyway but seriously AIBU to think some Mum's don't want you to be nice to their children?

@EmeraldShamrock

as I’m only their dad’s wife and their sister’s mum There is no only about it, both roles dad's wife or their sister's mum are very important roles. It is probably more common in the UK to take on the title than in Ireland.

My ex was Irish he introduced me to his step dad & step mum. I also have friends from uni who were Irish & referred to their step-parents. It's a small sample size but so was my sample of English, Welsh & Scots who had step parents.

The only ones I knew (from anywhere) who refer to mum/dad's partner were all mid-late teens by the time the partner turned up so there was never really a care-giver role.

OP you'd have been called an evil cow if you'd left DSC back with dad, being sick, whilst you had a nice day out with your DC.
They are your family & it's good to see you treat them as such & don't differentiate.

If my brothers or his wife was away the weekend & the one looking after their DC was ill; so I took their DC out for the day for some fun would that be a bad thing? I don't live with me so can I be trusted... Would I be one-upping their parents... Would it be OK for the parent who was away to rant at me because I'd not asked their permission even though the other parent had given it?

I'd feel the same for myself if I met someone they'd be my partner not step parent to my DC

That's your choice. It isn't right for every family though - my DSS refers to me as his other mum, cards are always "to mum" and even though his dad has died, and he has no obligation to have anything to do with me if he doesn't want to, he's fully involved me in his own DC's life as grandparent. I'm his brother's mum, and have been in his life for over 20 years, he has never referred to me as his dad's anything. He has a mum (who wasn't in his life much as a child) and his other mum (me, who he lived with from the age of 12 to when he left for uni). He eschews the title stepmum because he thought it makes his relationship with his younger brother seem more distant than if they both called me mum. His own mum is fine with it, she recognises that he loves her unconditionally, and his continuing relationship with me is based on fondness and affection, and love for the family unit that he grew up in.

Now I appreciate that wouldn't work for all families and wouldn't be your choice, but it works for our family. Live and let live, yes?

I think it's lovely @Thatwaslulu and like other pps the loving relationship is very beneficial to the DC.
I mentioned the step mum title might be the issue for the angst and if the title was different would it be more accepting.
I'm not part of a blended family but if I was I'd appreciate a kind step mum/Dad's partner/wife as long as they were kind to the DC it is all that matters.

All these posts about DM wanting to have the child back if EXH is unwell as it's time for them to be with their dads and not their mums are ridiculous - if step mum is in dads life it becomes the child's life too. Just like it would if you have friends and partners.

I have a family member who sees his kids EOW and gets other people to do 90% of the work. If the SM is working he’ll go and visit his parents ‘so they can see the children’ but it’s actually so he doesn’t have to much. And there’s been many arguments with the mum because she thinks he should be doing his fair share for the DCs sake.

If they’d not long been together then the SM may have been jealous but I can’t see that being an issue anymore.

What is it the OP has said which comes across as her having a chip on her shoulder? Genuinely curious as I don't see that at all.

I don’t see it at all either. I think some are just looking to be rude and judgemental and come up with all sorts of ridiculousness despite the OP being really clear. I’m still wondering what OP was expected to do and why it doesn’t matter that the children had a good time together. Regardless of what happened, siblings spent time together and had fun. She couldn’t leave her stepchildren in their home with their sick father and take her own somewhere else. She couldn’t take her stepchildren to their mum who was at work. The dad is their parent too and can make decisions including it being ok for his wife to take all the children out instead of them listening to him being ill.

I don’t think you would have been in the right either way from her reaction. I bet if you had contacted her at work she would have been annoyed about that. I can understand her feelings but her actions no.

Do the children (step and yours) notice her behaviours towards you? That’s when it’s gone too far.

Some people are just prejudiced against step parents. They watch too much TV, and then apply it to real life. Or they know a small sample where things arnt working well and apply it to all. Yet there are so many blended families and so much divorce. Steparent is now a normal and valid role in our society and parents really need to be aware that their children could end up with one.

It's great now. My DSS is the age I was when I first meet them. My DD is the age the youngest was. They actively laugh and joke about how they wouldn't be able to do the role at their age. It's great they appreciate what it was. We're all looking forward to a long weekend away together in a few weeks. They'll spend lots of time with their sister. We've enriched their life.

Apologies, I hadn’t realised that the child lived with the OP 50:50. In that case it’s nice that the SM includes the child in everything.
I feel very sorry for the mum and understand why she might feel lonely and jealous (I would!) but it’s not the child’s fault things are like this and it’s good the child is treated kindly and made to feel welcome by SM. Apologies OP.

I think it's incredibly unrealistic, especially with arrangements like 50:50, to expect children to spend that entire time with their actual parent.

It happens all the time, in separated families or together families. I live with my husband and child, there are days when our child is with someone other than one of us, out with my parents, DHs parents, aunts or uncles, my friend has taken them out for the day or had them round to theirs for a few hours and so on...

It's entirely normal for children sometimes to do things without their parent, Mum or Dad. It doesn't make them bad parents and it certainly doesn't mean the person they are with is taking them away from their parents. How dramatic.

What a bloody minefield this all is anyway. Include them but don't. Make them feel part of the family but don't take serious liberties by actually making them part of the family. Don't take them away from Dad but don't go out without them either. Oh and if you dare to be a man's second wife/relationship then obviously you're the other woman because there's absolutely no other reason why an ex may be unreasonable.

It always makes me laugh too all this talk of mothers vs step mothers as if most step mothers aren't mums themselves. Being a mother or a step mother doesn't completely define you, you can still be unreasonable or reasonable whichever you are.

@TwoTimingPotatoSalad well said!

Hmmm but none of this makes it any easier for the family that has been split up. So a bit of understanding would go a long way.
While I don’t blame the OP for being kind to the SC, I do raise an eyebrow at her “surprise” that the mother would have difficulties coming to terms with living without her child for 50% of the time - or any time. A bit of thought on the matter and hey presto you have your answer!

@Coronawireless unfortunately if you scroll back you’ll see neither OP nor the other SM on here are interested in any other narrative or opinion from anyone other than that the natural mother (and generally other mothers in this situation) is jealous, insecure, would rather her children were mistreated and that most mums just hate step mums, who can never do anything right in anyone’s eyes.

There’s no room for any balance or empathy for the mums in these situations. Just look how they’ve been trashed in this thread and then it’s said that step parents are the ones that get no respect

While I don’t blame the OP for being kind to the SC, I do raise an eyebrow at her “surprise” that the mother would have difficulties coming to terms with living without her child for 50% of the time - or any time. A bit of thought on the matter and hey presto you have your answer!

You don’t blame her for being nice? How very reasonable and kind spirited of you

What do you imagine would have made the mum feel better? OP taking her own child out leaving her step child at home with the vomiting dad?

A parent of either sex who is upset their child had a nice day instead of a not nice day is ridiculous.

It's strange, step-mothers are constantly told that they should put the children first to the detriment of their own feelings where as it seems some people feel it's ok for mothers to put their own feelings before the children's. Surely it's actually more important that mothers do this than step mothers as they are the actual parents.

The thing is it's OK for the mum to feel insecure about her kids having a nice day out with their step mum. Lots of people might feel that way. Just because you feel something though doesn't mean it's reasonable to act on those feelings.

• unfortunately if you scroll back you’ll see neither OP nor the other SM on here are interested in any other narrative or opinion from anyone other than that the natural mother (and generally other mothers in this situation) is jealous, insecure, would rather her children were mistreated and that most mums just hate step mums, who can never do anything right in anyone’s eyes.

There’s no room for any balance or empathy for the mums in these situations. Just look how they’ve been trashed in this thread and then it’s said that step parents are the ones that get no respect*

I disagree, many posters have expressed empathy and you have also been quite negative about OP who said SOME mums not ALL mums and have been rude to other posters who have disagreed with you. A mum herself also replied having been the mum in the situation and explained it quite eloquently. You have yet to say what OP should have done in the situation nor what she did wrong and why.

@SaltAndVinegarSandwiches

The thing is it's OK for the mum to feel insecure about her kids having a nice day out with their step mum. Lots of people might feel that way. Just because you feel something though doesn't mean it's reasonable to act on those feelings.

Well this is my entire point. I've said myself earlier on in the thread that I understand why it may make you insecure or upset. I understand the feelings. But what I don't understand is what she expects me to do when she messages complaining about it, that's why I'm asking... Is she expecting me to no longer do these nice things with / for DC?

I understand the feeling, but I don't understand why you'd act on it and potentially cause problems for your DC by being negative about it when they are being treated nicely.

[quote Brazilianut]@Coronawireless unfortunately if you scroll back you’ll see neither OP nor the other SM on here are interested in any other narrative or opinion from anyone other than that the natural mother (and generally other mothers in this situation) is jealous, insecure, would rather her children were mistreated and that most mums just hate step mums, who can never do anything right in anyone’s eyes.

There’s no room for any balance or empathy for the mums in these situations. Just look how they’ve been trashed in this thread and then it’s said that step parents are the ones that get no respect [/quote]
I am a mother with zero experience of step-parenting, never having had one, or been one.

I usually have very short shrift with SMs who come on here and complain about their step-children, resent them and the set-up

• thinking they knew exactly what they were getting into, and if they didn’t / don’t like it, move on, and leave the man and his kids alone.

But your posts on this thread have managed to make me feel a lot more empathy for SMs than I’ve ever managed to feel in the past.

If, God forbid, something happened between DH and I, I’d hope that he would end up with a woman like the SM who’s mature enough to get on with things, and who treats my DC with nothing more or less than kindness and consideration (whilst also doing me a massive favour, if I’m working).

Well done on single-handedly getting me to see the other side, and be more understanding of the step-mother’s point of view.

As a mother with, as I say, no step-parenting experience myself, I don’t wish to align with your views on this thread at all. If there’s anyone not seeing the nuance in the discussion, it’s you.

@DudeIsADude exactly that, your DH should ask her what exactly she wants you to do? You live with her DC 50%!! of the time! That's half their lives, and yours! It's baffling me and I'd love to know what she expects/wants?!

@FierceBarrie what a refreshing post