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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some Mum's would prefer it if you weren't nice to your step child?!

194 replies

DudeIsADude · 07/06/2021 11:53

Last week my husband wasn't feeling great and so I took DSC out for the day with a friend and their children. Paid for a nice day out at a amusement place and everyone had a really good time.

Cue ranting text to DH about how I'm not DSCs Mum, not my kids etc etc.

I've had this before, they aren't "allowed" to go out with my family because they aren't my child and so on.

Honestly what is the problem? It feels like she'd actually prefer it if I was horrible to them.

I ignore it and we do our own things anyway but seriously AIBU to think some Mum's don't want you to be nice to their children?

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 07/06/2021 18:38

@LaProcureure

I should realise now *@Brazilianut* that MN is not the place for thoughtful replies…🤣

I don't think anyone is really disagreeing with your thoughtful replies .. more so having a discussion about both sides? Most people do seem to disagree with Brazilianut though, which is fair. Blended families are tough to approach regardless, but what the OP is experiencing isn't really fair.

PollyPepper · 07/06/2021 18:39

@Brazilianut

God forbid anyone empathise with the mum on this thread 😁
God forbid anyone empathise with a step mum ever.
LaProcureure · 07/06/2021 18:40

Weird coming from you @Rtmhwales you’re the one who appears to be wilfully misunderstanding me!

LaProcureure · 07/06/2021 18:41

@PollyPepper

I’ve empathised with the OP, a stepmum, on this actual thread. A few posts before you…

Brazilianut · 07/06/2021 18:41

@PollyPepper

Bullshit.

Plenty of people sympathise with step parents, look at this thread. I do for my brother who has had difficult moments being one.

However please tell me what you think of the title of this thread?

ILoveYou3000 · 07/06/2021 18:48

Such hateful comments and insults on this thread from people incapable of mature debate.

I'm quite happy to debate, I attempted to do so with you earlier and you chose not to answer my questions.

It's the usual double standards on here (from the minority this time fortunately) in terms of mum vs dad. If a mum came on here saying her ex was ill and wanted her to look after their child instead of SM he'd be slammed, as would the SM in question. Everyone would be falling over themselves to say how on dad's time it's down to him to arrange childcare and it's out of order to expect mum to do it on 'his' time. Dad did that here and still it's wrong to some.

Contact doesn't apply in the usual manner here as it's shared 50:50. They are equal parents and DSC do not need to be with dad every moment. If he's ill it's better for everyone that he's left to recover while the kids go out and have some fun.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/06/2021 18:48

[quote Brazilianut]@PollyPepper

Bullshit.

Plenty of people sympathise with step parents, look at this thread. I do for my brother who has had difficult moments being one.

However please tell me what you think of the title of this thread?[/quote]
The title of the thread? SHE HAS A POINT.

Brazilianut · 07/06/2021 18:52

@ZeroFuchsGiven I’m not looking for your opinion, you’ve been disgustingly rude to me for no reason. I am flattered though that you’re so keen to engage me Wink

ILoveYou3000 · 07/06/2021 18:52

I thought it might be helpful to OP - the mum probably isn’t acting out of spite, but more likely hurt/ feeling jealous. It might help OP feel less shite and getting a shitty response to doing a nice thing!

It's okay for mum to have those feelings. What isn't okay is her trying to control what happens on dad's time. Who ends up benefiting from that? No one. All that happens is the home the children live in 50% of the time becomes divided with their SM no longer able to take them anywhere or do anything nice with them through fear of upsetting their mum.

Mum's feelings are her own to deal with but in a way that doesn't impact the children. Expressing them and trying to restrict her children's activities is extremely selfish.

Brazilianut · 07/06/2021 18:54

@ILoveYou3000 I’m sorry you’ve lost me. I have not made this a mum versus dad issue, that has been all you. As I already answered you before, my DH would feel the same as I do.

LaProcureure · 07/06/2021 18:56

I haven’t said anything different to that @ILoveYou3000

I completely agree. My contribution only went so far as to offer a possible explanation for the mum’s behaviour. And to recognise the value of the time the DC spent with their siblings and OP’s family.

Maybe my view wasn’t sufficiently polarised so people feel the need to ignore half of it…Confused

Brazilianut · 07/06/2021 18:56

@ILoveYou3000.

You do not know the OP so you do not know why the mum has taken issue in this case. There could be a reason, it sounds less to do with OP and more to do with the husband if the OP has cared for them many times before and Mum was fine with it. Sounds like there’s more to the story.

ILoveYou3000 · 07/06/2021 18:57

I’m not looking for your opinion, you’ve been disgustingly rude to me for no reason. I am flattered though that you’re so keen to engage me

You keep accusing others of being rude yet are continually throwing out insults. If you want a debate then perhaps try accepting others views and discussing them instead of telling people they're unhinged because they have a different viewpoint.

Brazilianut · 07/06/2021 18:59

@ILoveYou3000. I haven’t called anyone a pathetic, twat, loon for having a different opinion.

PollyPepper · 07/06/2021 19:02

[quote Brazilianut]@PollyPepper

Bullshit.

Plenty of people sympathise with step parents, look at this thread. I do for my brother who has had difficult moments being one.

However please tell me what you think of the title of this thread?[/quote]
I've already said what I think to the title.
Yes, it is absolutely dead on and true that some mothers would rather their kids hate their SM, because they are so insecure in their own parenting and relationship with their child.

You are, by your own admission, not a step parent and never were a step child. Take it from those that actually are living it that these people exist and stop stirring a pot of which you know nothing about.

Brazilianut · 07/06/2021 19:02

Some people on this thread agree and are very invested in the title and narrative of evil spiteful jealous mums who’d rather their children be unhappy than to get on with the long suffering angelic stepmums. All the while acting anything but Hmm

Brazilianut · 07/06/2021 19:03

@PollyPepper ah I take it you’re a step mum?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/06/2021 19:04

[quote Brazilianut]@ZeroFuchsGiven I’m not looking for your opinion, you’ve been disgustingly rude to me for no reason. I am flattered though that you’re so keen to engage me Wink[/quote]
You are neither a stepmother or have dc with a stepmother and you think anyone wants to hear your void opinion?

It's funny how you keep mentioning your brother being a step parent, poor man takes on someone else's kids and has difficulties but a woman takes on someone else's kids and she's a monster. Get a grip and read what you have said ffs.

ILoveYou3000 · 07/06/2021 19:06

@Brazilianut I think you made it a mum vs dad issue when you said if this was you you'd expect your permission to be sought for this to happen. Thus placing yourself as the more important parent.

No I don't know the OP, that's correct. I simply don't see it as strange for a SM to have spent time caring for children who live in her home 50% of the time, and don't feel that an issue being made of it due, potentially, to a grown woman's jealousy benefits anyone. You seem to think that reaction is justified.

@LaProcureure apologies I think I possibly missed that response from you. As you said it looks like we're of the same thinking. It's fine for mum to feel jealous, it's not fine for her to express that jealousy in such a negative manner.

Brazilianut · 07/06/2021 19:08

@ZeroFuchsGiven

I am a mother, am I allowed an opinion now?

Your argument is ignorance personified. Where on earth have I said OP or any step mother for that reason is a monster 😆 jesus wept.

Let me break it down for you, empathising with the mum or the hypothetical situation of a mum doesn’t equal me being against stepmums.

Wow this thread is actually done!

ILoveYou3000 · 07/06/2021 19:09

Some people on this thread agree and are very invested in the title and narrative of evil spiteful jealous mums who’d rather their children be unhappy than to get on with the long suffering angelic stepmums. All the while acting anything but

Oh dear and you accuse others of being unable to engage in mature debate.

Is your final sentence referring to the OP? If so, exactly what has she done wrong in your mind?

PollyPepper · 07/06/2021 19:09

[quote Brazilianut]@PollyPepper ah I take it you’re a step mum?[/quote]
Yes I am. A fucking great one at that, if I do say so myself. I adore the children and they do me.

You are neither. So I don't know why you are so invested.

Brazilianut · 07/06/2021 19:10

@ILoveYou3000 why have you decided the step mum is jealous? You do not know that. Is that something that’s happened to you?

The amount of assuming on behalf of a the Mum is unreal.

Brazilianut · 07/06/2021 19:11

@PollyPepper

That’s great, congratulations.

Invested in a narrative is yourself as it’s clearly touched a raw nerve.

ILoveYou3000 · 07/06/2021 19:13
  • why have you decided the step mum is jealous? You do not know that. Is that something that’s happened to you?

The amount of assuming on behalf of a the Mum is unreal.*

I haven't decided the stepmum is jealous. I've said the mum is because I can't think of any other reason for her to have reacted in the way she has, other than jealousy and no one else has so far put forward any other reasoning. Even the poster you agreed with @LaProcureure stated that this was very likely stemming from the fact mum is jealous.

What do you think is the reason mum has issue with this?