To think some Mum's would prefer it if you weren't nice to your step child?!

[DudeIsADude]

Last week my husband wasn't feeling great and so I took DSC out for the day with a friend and their children. Paid for a nice day out at a amusement place and everyone had a really good time.

Cue ranting text to DH about how I'm not DSCs Mum, not my kids etc etc.

I've had this before, they aren't "allowed" to go out with my family because they aren't my child and so on.

Honestly what is the problem? It feels like she'd actually prefer it if I was horrible to them.

I ignore it and we do our own things anyway but seriously AIBU to think some Mum's don't want you to be nice to their children?

The children live with the dad and stepmum. The stepmother is part of their family. Of course she can take them out for the day. That's what families do.

@Volhhg

From what I see of blended families it doesn't work like that. I know one family that do it like that but that's mainly because their father is deceased. I think it's completely fair enough that the mum wants their kids to spend time with their father. A quick phone or text from the dad to the mum to ask what she would prefer or even just discuss what to do would be better than taking them out for the day with the dad's wife (however well meaning).

The children live with the dad and stepmum too. It's completely fair the stepmum spends time with the children whether the father is ill or not. How terrible to spend 50% of your time in a hone with someone but not able to build a relationship with them because a grownups feelings might be hurt. Do people really place these silly rules on stepfamilies?

I guess it depends on the back story here, which obviously you haven't included. Maybe you were the OW and he had an affair and perhaps the mother doesn't trust you? Perhaps the kids have felt insecure since your DC was born? Perhaps their dad has form for faking illness to avoid looking after his kids? Perhaps she's skint and working during half term while you swan about on lovely day trips and she's a tad bitter about it?

@SuperCaliFragalistic

I guess it depends on the back story here, which obviously you haven't included. Maybe you were the OW and he had an affair and perhaps the mother doesn't trust you? Perhaps the kids have felt insecure since your DC was born? Perhaps their dad has form for faking illness to avoid looking after his kids? Perhaps she's skint and working during half term while you swan about on lovely day trips and she's a tad bitter about it?

Hilarious.

You are taking serious liberties taking them to your family.

Oh good lord OP, not your family!

Sometimes things just cause the mind to boggle. That was one of those things.

Perhaps the stepmum wanted to spend time with them. Perhaps she wanted them to have fun. Perhaps she wanted to do good by them. Perhaps she was doing what was for her family?

*best

Reminds me of when my DSS once had a really nice day out with me. His Mum told everyone that she had taken him as he kept talking about it. 3 days later when he was still talking about it he even told me and DH that his Mum had taken him - I think he’d said it so much he believed it himself!

Not sure why that's hilarious @icenii. Just some possible explanations as to why the mother might not be thrilled. It doesn't hurt to try and see it from her perspective or to assume that there is some history here.

FWIW I get on well with my DCs step mum but there's a lot of water under the bridge and it takes effort on all sides.

It's not really about the stepmum having access it's about the children seeing their father on access days. It's nice if everyone gets on but really you have two parents. It all hinges on the back story and the op seems to give off a chip on her shoulder in her posts which to me speaks volumes

It's not really about the stepmum having access it's about the children seeing their father on access days. It's nice if everyone gets on but really you have two parents. It all hinges on the back story and the op seems to give off a chip on her shoulder in her posts which to me speaks volumes

Except there are no access days. The children spend equal time with both parents. Dad was throwing up, how is staying home watching their father be ill while SM takes out their younger sibling in any way beneficial for the children? All that does is create a divide in the home where they spend half of their time.

What is it the OP has said which comes across as her having a chip on her shoulder? Genuinely curious as I don't see that at all.

I'm not a step mum but in this case I think the mum was being daft.
I suspect she felt bad because she would have liked to have been out with her dc rather than working but it isn't ok to take out those emotions on the step-mum.

They weren't access days. The children live there.

I am not the OW, I had absolutely nothing to do with them splitting up, they weren't married and it wasn't a massively long relationship. She has had a new partner herself now for a few years.

@jimmyjammy001

Meh, this is part and parcel of dating somebody with children I'm afraid, You being the step parent will never win, will allways just have to accept it even if you disagree

Very true

Meh, this is part and parcel of dating somebody with children I'm afraid, You being the step parent will never win, will allways just have to accept it even if you disagree

SPs are humans you know. They are allowed to have opinions and shock horror even disagree with the children's mother DUN DUN DUNNNN.

They also don't just have to accept anything they are not happy to accept from anyone else simply because it's coming from their partners ex. They are as entitled as the next person not to be treated like shit.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

op dont you get it?

treat them like your own.... but DONT let them have anything to do with your family because that is taking serious liberties.

treat them like your own.... but DONT take them out when their dad is unwell because they're there to see him not you.

its sooooo simple op

That's so messed up! And doesn't help in any way the dynamic of a blended family.

You either have a very dysfunctional family life, your creating a very dysfunctional family life or your theorising. Either way op ignore this terrible advice.

Sorry for my last post, just realised the person I quoted from was being sarcastic and not literal.... I can be an idiot sometimes!

I think the suggests she's poking fun at the clear inconsistencies @Littlepaws18

The step mum dynamic will always be tough, will always be a challenge, because it's so emotive. Most of us would feel something knowing our kids are part of someone else's family, being cooked tea and read a story and tucked up into bed by another woman. It's a heartless person who cant understand the emotions that triggers.

I would never be a step mum, would never choose to put myself in that situation. If you do choose that life there are certain facts that you have to accept - and some possible conflict with either the other parent or the children themselves should be expected, at least some of time.

I disagree that being a step mum is fraught with issues. I'm not the greatest fan of DP's ex putting it mildly but we all rub along fine and I adore the kids.

@AnneLovesGilbert

You’re not alone OP, as you see.

When mine were younger I did a lot of crafts with them and if they ever took anything back to their mum’s - that they’d made - she threw it straight in the bin. Likewise anything they’d baked, not that I’d baked, but they’d baked. They soon stopped telling her anything we’d done or taking anything back. Sad for them, nasty of her, no skin off my nose.

This makes me sad. I'm glad you did lovely things with them ❤️

Some blended families work well I'm sure but I personally don't know any.
I have a SD and I can't tell you how difficult things were with her mum. I was expected to pick her up from school if she was unwell but I couldn't insist on the "no technology ' rule I have for my own children.
It was fine for me to do things like homework and brushing her hair but I wasn't allowed to take her out for the day if my children were there too. She had to go out with just her dad.
It was ridiculous. SD is older now and we don't really have any contact with her mum.
Being a stepmum is hard because whatever you do it's always wrong.
SD did go through some very difficult stages but I still treated her like my own.
It was never good enough for her mum though.

It is probably down to the title of the role step-mum/step-dad when the DC has 2 living biological parents.
The bonded relationship is great, the title is OTT imo.
I'd feel the same for myself if I met someone they'd be my partner not step parent to my DC.
Growing up and in this time mixing with blended families it would be "Dad's wife/partner" or "Mum's husband/partner" or mostly first names example dad and sandra, mam and bill.

Riiight. I’ll tell my step children to stop calling me their stepmum as I’m only their dad’s wife and their sister’s mum

as I’m only their dad’s wife and their sister’s mum There is no only about it, both roles dad's wife or their sister's mum are very important roles.
It is probably more common in the UK to take on the title than in Ireland.