The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

That’s sounds awful even if it is 5 minutes of the day! You shouldn’t be dreading sex. It’s a two way thing you should both enjoy. I’d suggest having a break from sex at all for a while and then work on having it less often but where you are both willing participants.

Op this is not right it sounds as if you feel pressured into this or forced

That sounds miserable, op. I'm so sorry. I don't understand how anyone could be aroused when their partner isn't interested. Your dh doesn't sound very loving towards you at all, no wonder you are struggling - you are being forced into sexual encounters you don't want. You know the name for that, I think.

What happens if you say no?

Honestly I would say “ I’ve had a difficult night. You know most married men don’t get it once a day right? I’m so ( expletive) shattered and I do feel you are a bit of an arse for wanting it when you I’ve had a bad night” . Yes he’ll be annoyed but if you don’t then get forced into doing it it’s worth saving, if you do it’s not.

Your marriage sounds dead in the water, you don't even kiss each other.

Another one saying forced or coerced sex you don't want is rape. How would you feel to be free of that expectation forever?

Oh my god, it would be a no from me ! He might as well just bang one off and leave you alone.
What happens if you’re on your period ?

Personally I would not only consider this situation unsustainable (and stop it immediately) but I’d also consider your marriage unsalvageable. You won’t find many people in the same boat, because this is very far outside normal, acceptable behaviour from your husband. This isn’t just a compromise over a difference in sex drives or whatever.

This really does sound grim.
You don't need to compromise yourself so much.
Is this what you are settling for?
You're worth more.

I've a friend who could be writing this - her husband too insists on daily sex. it's your body you dint have to have sex because he wants it ! What happens if you say no ?

I'd call this the daily rape and that would be the end for me. No matter what, I'd want out, as he has no interest in your needs.
I've been there and its so incredible to be free of it.
Imagine how you will feel still doing this at 50 60, 70 years old and hsting him more each year just hoping for his death. Get out now while you still can.

So, you're being raped every morning?

OP I'm so sorry. I hope you find a way to leave or if you want to stay then I hope things change.

No, no and no, this is not in at all!

This would be a deal breaker for me. What exactly do you get out of this marriage op?

Are you sure you want this marriage to survive? I’m not sure I would. And I’d only have sex when I wanted too. Big love x

This marriage is deeply unhealthy on all counts by the sounds of it. There's only so much counselling can do.

Sorry OP but it sounds like this has been a non-starter for quite some time. I don't think you should try and hold it together.

This doesn't sound healthy at all OP. Have you tried saying no?

I agree with PP that your marriage sounds dead and gone. Sex is meant to be an expression of love, not some weird marital sort of droit de seigneur.

You're already detached emotionally from your husband and this daily performance is only widening the gap between you. And why wouldn't it? You know there's a name for non-consensual, coerced sex don't you?

'seems to have been settled on'

You need to reverse that. It's clearly not working for you (probably never has)

"Eroticism was never a part of our marriage" and"He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like"

In basic terms, you are ill matched.

It's not hugely surprising there are a heap of other incompatibilities and bsence of communication.

The question now is what sort of future do you want?

I don't see any attractions to maintaining the status quo

I've put yabu because I think you should say a firm no! Don't go along with it!

Quite honestly I can get away with a brush off around once a month and I ‘negotiated’menstrual days off years ago. The other 24/25 days of the month, if I suggest I’m not up for it I get grumpiness and rejection.

This is horrifying, OP.

A daily morning session seems to have been settled on

By who? You can't carry on like this, you clearly don't want it and are having to force yourself. Stop right now.

My dp and I are very sexually incompatible and I'd be happy never to do it again! However we settle on about once every 6 months. Because he is not a controlling misogynistic prick. He understands my lack of sex drive and we nearly split up last year due to this and he accepted he wanted to be with me and our DC (teenagers) as he LOVED ME. I don't think anyone should be having sex daily if they don't want to: it's a very sad read to be honest OP.

What would happen if you refused?

Omg this is daily rape. You "negotiated" a break during your period.

This isn't a life OP, this is hell. Makes me feel sick to the stomach for you.