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AIBU?

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Original poster

The expectation of daily sex.

842 replies

Chillionice · 07/06/2021 07:30

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 07/06/2021 07:47

This is awful!!

It’s abuse if you can’t say no without him having a sulk.

There is no way I’d have or want sex every day. Not in a long term relationship/ marriage where you have other normal stuff going on. Maybe in the early shag all the time days, but long term sod that.

Bagelsandbrie · 07/06/2021 07:49

I wonder how he could cope with someone like me who has chronic disabilities and only fancies it about once a month!

BagORats · 07/06/2021 07:50

I'd rather put up with grumpiness and rejection than be coerced into sex I don't want, every single day.

I've been in this situation and I'm also now in the situation where I'm not having as much sex as I want. I don't act like your H. It's not lack of sex that makes him grumpy he's using it to control and abuse you.

TheQueef · 07/06/2021 07:50

I ‘negotiated’menstrual days off years ago.
Blimey Lass, someone has done a number on you.
It doesn't have to be like this.
Flowers

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/06/2021 07:51

Jesus christ.

DoingItMyself · 07/06/2021 07:52

The bottom line here is that you start every day being raped by a man who does not love or value you at all.

And you wonder why you're sad and low?

we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness

No-one, ever, should have sex unless they want it.
I've been there, in the loveless marriage, doing the sex because you think you ought. It's completely dehumanising.

Please put a stop to this today. If it means the end of your marriage, that will be better than having some man in you every day, that you don't want at all.

Dancingsmile · 07/06/2021 07:52

He's expecting you to do something you don't want to do.
You're feeling violated and rightly so.

Ask him to sing a song from a musical as soon as he wakes up everyday. Sounds like nothing only five minutes. First week will be a laugh, week two a slight chore and it will deteriorate from then onwards.

I'm not putting unwanted sex into the same category as musical songs but it's show you that something as simple as a song when you don't want to sing is horrid. That shows that this is a much more serious issue. He wants to be in control of your body every day and you don't have any say in this because he may feel upset.

Let me smack you in the face because I want to.
NO !
Oh I'm upset, it upsets me you won't let me.
OH OK, Go AHEAD AND PUNCH MY FACE, I DONT WANT YOU FEELING SAD !

He has no respect for you, doesn't care what you want or how you feel.

He's disgusting

Sparklfairy · 07/06/2021 07:53

@Chillionice

Quite honestly I can get away with a brush off around once a month and I ‘negotiated’menstrual days off years ago. The other 24/25 days of the month, if I suggest I’m not up for it I get grumpiness and rejection.
Interesting that he seems to have got a regular set agreement out of counselling but you haven't got an agreement to communicate better.

He's not putting any work into fixing the problems in the marriage, and is just using you as a wank sock. Why are you doing all the work, yet he's still emotionally distant and sulks when he doesn't get his own way?

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 07/06/2021 07:54

This is no way to live OP. Sad

No intimacy, and no respect, he's literally using you as a sex object . Some years down the line, menopause will come, then you won't even have your period for a break. It'll be every single day.

It's your body, your choice and your life. Surely you don't think this is your worth? So what if he sulks and rejects you? He's rejected you already in how he treats you. This is abuse, you need to leave Flowers

Original poster
Chillionice · 07/06/2021 07:54

5 minutes a day vs 3 kids being taken through a traumatic break up has become the balance. You’d think that would be the positive thought needed but surprising how strong self identity is and it makes even that difficult. I could fly out of bed in bitter fury most mornings and jeopardise all our futures! What a bad shag I must be 😂

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 07/06/2021 07:54

Sex agreement not set agreement

Newkitchen123 · 07/06/2021 07:55

I can't believe my own eyes reading this!
This is awful!
I would have no respect for him in your shoes and he clearly has no respect for you
You need out!

SpindleWhorl · 07/06/2021 07:55

I think you have to take a big step here. Say no, you've had enough now. Let him be grumpy, and then tell him he either behaves properly or leaves.

I'm very concerned about what happened to you at counselling, that you ended up with this dreadful, abusive 'settlement'. I wouldn't go back - he'll just use it as another tool of manipulation.

Personally, I think you need out.

DrSbaitso · 07/06/2021 07:57

@Chillionice

5 minutes a day vs 3 kids being taken through a traumatic break up has become the balance. You’d think that would be the positive thought needed but surprising how strong self identity is and it makes even that difficult. I could fly out of bed in bitter fury most mornings and jeopardise all our futures! What a bad shag I must be 😂
Why would you not be miserable being guilted and coerced into having loveless sex that you don't want every single day with a man who doesn't care about anything else that you do, and won't let you off if you've had a bad night with the kids?

It's a miserable life.

Beamur · 07/06/2021 07:58

I couldn't live like this.
It's deeply abusive.
Do you really want to spend the next few decades doing this?

Mellonsprite · 07/06/2021 07:58

This is appalling... ‘negotiating’ menstruated days off, being reluctant to use the loo in case you wake him and he immediately wants sex, these things are so far from normal.
I bet he’s massively controlling in other ways too?
You know what to do really don’t you?

colouringcrayons · 07/06/2021 07:58

I'm really sorry you feel so sad OP, but I'm not surprised because you're doing something you don't want. Flowers for you. I think you'll get good practical advice if you wanted to end it, which I would understand.

BreakingtheIce · 07/06/2021 07:58

You seem to think that the prospect of splitting up and upsetting your kids is worse than being a sex slave. That’s what you are. He is abusing you and the situation is destroying your self esteem and happiness. Don’t you think you deserve more than this? It’s shocking.

Clymene · 07/06/2021 07:58

I don't know why you're laughing. This is a horrific read Sad

DoingItMyself · 07/06/2021 07:59

Do you think your children will be happy when they discover, as adults, that you were raped daily to keep a roof over their heads?

WineAcademy · 07/06/2021 07:59

What about your worth? Your own future? Your mental health?

inappropriateraspberry · 07/06/2021 07:59

@Chillionice

5 minutes a day vs 3 kids being taken through a traumatic break up has become the balance. You’d think that would be the positive thought needed but surprising how strong self identity is and it makes even that difficult. I could fly out of bed in bitter fury most mornings and jeopardise all our futures! What a bad shag I must be 😂
Being forced into daily sex or your children having a happy single mother? I know what I'd choose. The children will be more accepting and adaptable than you think. They will already have noticed problems between their parents, even if you think they're oblivious.
Quartz2208 · 07/06/2021 08:00

Your children living with you feeling like this and being forced into this is worse OP.

For your and their futures leaving is no bad thing

Shoxfordian · 07/06/2021 08:00

This is so far from a normal loving relationship
Breaking up is not worse than living with someone who ignores your wishes and coerces you into sex

Hotcuppatea · 07/06/2021 08:01

This is one of the worst threads I've ever read on here. You sound totally trapped and defeated.