The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

Just stop OP. Just say no. He is not entitled to your body whenever he wants it. There may be consequences to this, including the end of your marriage which sounds like a positive to me. He is disgusting and doesn’t care about you. You shouldn’t have to live like this.

I have had no libido for most of the last decade and guess what happens when I don’t want sex? We don’t have it. DH can leave if he wants, yours can too.

I’m so sorry this is your life now but it doesn’t have to be.

Tomorrow morning, get up first, get dressed and go down stairs. If he asks just say no, I don’t want to.

Are you walking on eggshells around him generally? The grumpiness and sulking is a form of control, it's designed to make you fall into line (and currently it is working).

This is not a healthy relationship, and not a good example for your kids. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking a breakup would be worse for your kids than putting up with the abuse.

I would recommend you seek individual counselling. Couples' counselling is not recommended where there is abuse in the relationship, which there clearly is in this case.

@Lockheart

Apologies, that was supposed to be a report and not a quote.

Sorry @Lockheart but I can't see how the OP's subsequent posts are out of kilter with her first.

Explain?

Also if you never kiss and haven’t for years, your teenage/tweenage children obviously will have noticed your relationship is bad. You are modelling a loveless marriage to them. It’s crazy to think you are benefitting them to stay.

@Chillionice

Wank sock. Like it. That brings me onto another question - him wanking instead of shagging me was his suggested solution a few years ago. When I was awoken in the night to the bed rocking as he was wanking next to me I felt incensed. Like sleeping next to a 14 year old boy. He doesn’t do this now because I objected. Was that unfair of me? Are women sleeping next to their wanking partners??

I’d prefer him to wank like that than have sex with him.

But I think most men would do it in a bathroom.

I’m shocked by this. And I’m shocked by the 12% that voted YABU. Your husband is an emotionally abusive rapist. Sulking if he doesn’t get his own way. That would be separate rooms for me, I couldn’t live like that. Tell him to have a wank instead.

Why do you prefer to have sex with him and hate it rather than let him have a wank??

Just let him wank and you're free. I don't get it

I agree. Weird to ask for help with such honesty and intimacy and be reported for it.

I really can’t see why you stay. Many of us are children of divorced parents.
I feel most sorry for your kids who will think that this is a normal relationship.

Dreadful.

I would rather live on my own with my kids in poverty then put up with your life. Your kids know you are not happy. The oldest can probably hear you every morning and feels so sad and is also learning that this behaviour is acceptable.

What do you want out of this post OP?

You are seriously asking for advice on how to hold a marriage together?

Do you think that most women accept this behaviour?

I can assure you they do not.

It's 2021, not 1821.

Women do not have to obey their husbands and have sex against their will or 'suffer the consequences' [beating, moodiness, drunkenness, whatever]

You have a choice to live this way or not.

But him wanking in bed next to me seemed even worse!

Yuk. I'd rather live on the street than with a person like this, and I've actually been homeless before.

@Chillionice

But him wanking in bed next to me seemed even worse!

Why??

Nice men don’t lie in bed next to their wives/partners wanking.

Does he not realise how disgusting he is?

@Feelinghothothottoday

Nice men don’t lie in bed next to their wives/partners wanking.

Yes but surely better than having sex when you don't want to.

Don't sleep next to him anymore. His sexual habits disgust you, do they not? They disgust me, and most of us in this thread....

Know from my friends that all marriages have sex issues. Usually no sex or men wanting more sex. Most other people won’t speak openly. Just wondered if others had my problem? Or maybe they are older generation and not on Mumsnet x

@Chillionice

But him wanking in bed next to me seemed even worse!

So tell him to stop.

Really, his sexual behaviour is the tip of the iceberg. It's disgusting he treats you this way.

From what you say, your marriage is pretty rubbish anyway in most aspects. He can't or won't communicate with you, so other than a roof over your head, what are you getting out of it?

Has the idea of divorce ever entered your head? I am sure you can tell that 99% of posters here would get out of this kind of relationship.

Just let him wank rather than raping you every day, I'm a bit confused as to why you think him having a wank is worse?

OP, I’m so sorry you’re living like this and I agree with everything PPs have said about the situation - it’s miserable, unreasonable and effectively daily rape - until I read your last comment, and on that point I do think YABU.

He’s offered up a solution - to sort himself out rather than put you through this daily torment - and yet you say you were ‘incensed’ by him having a wank in his own bed and subsequently forbade him to do it again. Why? Can you articulate why you think that’s so wrong/disgusting/adolescent? Having previously felt no sympathy for your husband, this does make me feel he’s in bit of a no win situation.

Either way though, the marriage sounds pretty joyless for both of you and, as someone else already said, I’d think seriously about how you’re going to feel in 10 or 20 years time. We only go around once

@tara66

Does he not realise how disgusting he is?

Why would he care? He gets laid anyway, without the hassle of bothering to make himself attractive or making his wank sock actually want to shag him. Win win for him.

But presumably he’s wanking and having daily sex ?
If so, it sounds like he’s got a sex addiction.