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AIBU?

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Original poster

The expectation of daily sex.

842 replies

Chillionice · 07/06/2021 07:30

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 07/06/2021 08:02

If this was your daughters situation what would you tell her to do?

Mum233 · 07/06/2021 08:02

I never say this on here but this time LTB!! This sounds awful and honestly not worth staying for xx

Maybebe · 07/06/2021 08:02

This is awful OP. Do you have a daughter? Maybe ask your husband how he would respond if his daughter came to him (as an adult) and said her husband demanded sex from her every day, even when she felt ill or tired or just plain didn't want to do it. That she felt coerced and pressured into giving in to him and didn't enjoy it at all.

Would he tell her it was her duty and she owed it to her husband to comply?

Shelovesamystery · 07/06/2021 08:03

Wtaf OP this is awful Sad

Please stop doing it, please. Splitting up is better than this surely?

An0n0n0n · 07/06/2021 08:03

Aside from the other points made, i think you are living up to an unrealostic standards. Theres not a chance he would find someone else wanting daily sex and honestly if i was you id tell him thats the end of it. His unrealistic expectations should not be your problem.

Tossblanket · 07/06/2021 08:03

This sounds blunt and pretty nasty but he's treating you like a piece of meat.

Tell him to fuck off and use his hand.

Original poster
Chillionice · 07/06/2021 08:04

Wank sock. Like it. That brings me onto another question - him wanking instead of shagging me was his suggested solution a few years ago. When I was awoken in the night to the bed rocking as he was wanking next to me I felt incensed. Like sleeping next to a 14 year old boy. He doesn’t do this now because I objected. Was that unfair of me? Are women sleeping next to their wanking partners??

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 07/06/2021 08:04

If your adult daughter told you this was happening in her marriage what would you advise? I doubt you'd tell her to put up with it and carry on.

Newmumatlast · 07/06/2021 08:04

@Chillionice

5 minutes a day vs 3 kids being taken through a traumatic break up has become the balance. You’d think that would be the positive thought needed but surprising how strong self identity is and it makes even that difficult. I could fly out of bed in bitter fury most mornings and jeopardise all our futures! What a bad shag I must be 😂
Honestly your kids won't likely realise the details but its amazing how easily they do pick up on something not being right. I would much rather a life with separated parents than with a constant air of discontent - then later potentially discovering more detail (as things do tend to come out) and being devastated.

In your shoes I would leave him.

Also, if I am up for it and my husband isn't, however much I want it I don't try to make him 'compromise'. My need for sex does not mean that I want to have sex with someone I love who clearly doesn't want to and isn't enjoying it. The same can be said vice versa for my husband. Your husband must know you don't want this but is having sex with you anyway - that is not a nice man and not someone I would either want to be with or a situation I would want my kids around. I think you've been broken down and convinced over time that this is right but it really isnt

HelenHywater · 07/06/2021 08:04

a divorce and living life as a single mother would be infinitely better than this for your children OP.

Embracelife · 07/06/2021 08:05

5 minutes
A quick in and out for him
What do you get out of it?
Reads like rape not sex
You don't have to put up with this
Go to a counsellor on your own
A different one

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 07/06/2021 08:05

Sex is not a right for him to claim and Its not a need either - no man has ever died through lack of sex.

I think you've lost sight of how things should be OP. If daily morning sex is what you ended up 'negotiating' down to, I dead to think what he expected at the start.

If you're not going to LTB then I would suggest you make moves to sleep in another room and start refusing sex altogether for now. Ignore any grumpiness etc, stay physically away from him. Find a few phrases you can repeat when he brings it up (for example 'This isn't working for me / I've decided I don't want to do this / I'm not in the mood' etc).

If you want to make it work, go back to counselling and be very honest about sex routine you're in, the grumpiness if you say no etc. If your counsellor is a good one I think you'll be surprised at their view of this.

Have you really considered if you want to be married to this man OP? Because there is no way he doesn't know you don't want sex every day, and a good man wouldn't want or be able to do this.

MistyFrequencies · 07/06/2021 08:05

This is heartbreaking. You need to leave him. Your children will be better off not seeing such a fucked up role model of a relationship. And you think they don't know because you think it's only sex but in reality, any man who can have daily sex with someone they know doesn't want it is an absolute cunt and that has to be evident in other ways in his daily life too.

MaMelon · 07/06/2021 08:06

This is awful - it’s one of the saddest things I’ve read in the many years of being on MN. It’s daily rape, OP SadAngry

What will he do if you say no? And continue to say no? Will he take it out on you and the DCs? If so, not only is he a rapist but he’s an emotional abuser as well.

Imagine if your mum had been raped by your dad on a daily basis (with time off for her period) and she felt she had to put up with it. You’d feel sick to your stomach that that’s what she had to go through in order for you to have your dad living under the same roof.

Please, see a lawyer OP. You need to get away from this awful man. Your DC will be absolutely fine Flowers

JinglingHellsBells · 07/06/2021 08:06

Sadly, this is a form of abuse.

I hope you can see that and find the strength to leave him or come to an understanding.

He's bullying you and making you do something you don't want to. That's not loving behaviour and no decent man would make those demands on their partner.

You need to speak up for yourself and say how you
feel. It comes over as if you are afraid of him.

Does he intimidate you in other ways?

Lockheart · 07/06/2021 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AntiSocialDistancer · 07/06/2021 08:07

This sounds absolutely intolerable!! He wont kiss you but still insists on having sex every morning? And this is after counselling?

Good grief go back, this is not the 1950s and you don't need to lie back and do the shopping list any more. If you're not careful you're going to give yourself horrendous problems. I am feeling "touched out" just reading your post.

Lavender201 · 07/06/2021 08:08

@WineAcademy

That sounds miserable, op. I'm so sorry. I don't understand how anyone could be aroused when their partner isn't interested. Your dh doesn't sound very loving towards you at all, no wonder you are struggling - you are being forced into sexual encounters you don't want. You know the name for that, I think. Flowers
This. And agree with pp that this is deeply abusive.

In your OP you seem to be looking for reassurance that this is normal. It is not normal at all. Not all men have a sex drive that high - and even those who do, only abusive men would want to pursue sex with a partner who is not enthusiastically consenting Sad

I think you should pursue some solo counselling and reconsider your options. Children always prefer a mother who is happy.

Lockheart · 07/06/2021 08:09

Apologies, that was supposed to be a report and not a quote.

Original poster
Chillionice · 07/06/2021 08:10

Yes. Discussed this with the counsellor years ago. My husband said I was dragging our daughters into a theoretical question that had nothing to do with them. Counsellor agreed that drawing parallels with our daughters was unhelpful.

OP posts:
BreakingtheIce · 07/06/2021 08:11

I’m not sure how you came to accept this situation and why you seem so disempowered. You ask if it’s normal for women to lie next to a man wanking . Of course it isn’t. He’s a manipulative, selfish bully. Get out.

SpindleWhorl · 07/06/2021 08:11

Your counsellor sounds like a twat.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/06/2021 08:12

5 minutes a day vs 3 kids being taken through a traumatic break up has become the balance

Its not 5 minutes a day is it? That is just the time he is abusing you to climax.

Its in your head all the time isn't it?

What else do you do to keep him "happy".

Bigtruth · 07/06/2021 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DeathStare · 07/06/2021 08:13

Did the counsellor encourage/support the idea of you agreeing to an unbreakable deal of daily sex forever even though you do not want that? If so I would say this is entirely unethical by the counsellor.

OP please go get some counselling on your own.

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