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AIBU?

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Original poster

The expectation of daily sex.

842 replies

Chillionice · 07/06/2021 07:30

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

OP posts:
Shedbuilder · 07/06/2021 08:35

What kind of man insists on having sex with a woman who clearly doesn't want to and who endures it, daily? A rapist. You're in an abusive relationship. Sex is supposed to be mutually pleasurable, not the price you pay for a quiet life or whatever.

I'd advise any friend of mine in this situation to speak to a domestic violence service and then, probably, the police. You are under coercive control and your husband can be charged. He'll have to leave the home and you can get the peace you deserve.

Booboobadoo · 07/06/2021 08:35

I feel like this is a, 'What do you want from this thread?' situation. There is a unanimous response that your husband is abusive and you are in an untenable situation. What options do you have other than put up with it, refuse to have sex and go and sleep on the sofa, or leave which you say you are unable to do?

I also can't believe that a man who puts you through this every single day is not abusive in other areas too.

I wish you could have some regard for yourself and your needs

Original poster
Chillionice · 07/06/2021 08:35

Don’t know. Most people I know who have separated have swapped one huge sadness for another it seems over time. By their own admission not just my observation.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/06/2021 08:36

Refusing to engage in sex practices to which you do not consent and don't want does not make you a prude.

None of this is funny.

You're having coercive sex.

It sounds like your h wants an object to fill out his porn-fuelled fantasies. You're not a person to him.

HollowTalk · 07/06/2021 08:36

I can't think of one reason why I'd stay with this man.

Summersnake · 07/06/2021 08:36

What the fuck have I just read ..
Tell him no
He can have a wank
He’s abusing you ,he knows you don’t want sex ,yet he makes you anyway .
He’s sick and abusive
I would of left years ago

Feelinghothothottoday · 07/06/2021 08:37

Nope that’s not true op. There is no sadness in my life living with my children.

Holothane · 07/06/2021 08:37

You poor thing this was me with my ex in the end I gave up trying to enjoy sex I just lay there, he was hopeless anyway, .

Bagelsandbrie · 07/06/2021 08:38

@Chillionice

Thank you for sharing this. My husband says (& said in counselling) that I am controlling his sex life when I refuse/reject/negotiate. I obvs say agreed consent is fundamental. The daily morning is the outcome. I guess with wildly differing libidos that seemed a compromise. But I struggle with even that. If he had what he wanted it would prob be 10 times a week including anal, oral etc which is just off the agenda for me in light of the weight of this problem in our marriage. So that prob makes me a prude too. Tracey bloody Cox would defo say so 😂!
You’re not a prude for not wanting anal or oral. It’s fine to not want these things. I don’t know where you’ve got your views about sex from..?! I don’t know anyone in real life who has anal. I certainly don’t and never would. It’s fine if people want to but it’s certainly not mainstream as porn would suggest!

“His” sex life…? He’s vile. It’s a mutual thing. Or should be!

WobblyMelon · 07/06/2021 08:38

This is just awful. Please stand up for yourself, this isn’t normal.
Get him to sleep in another room for starters and sort himself out there. Enjoy your mornings again.
I would leave someone like this tbh

Lavender201 · 07/06/2021 08:38

@Chillionice

Thank you for sharing this. My husband says (& said in counselling) that I am controlling his sex life when I refuse/reject/negotiate. I obvs say agreed consent is fundamental. The daily morning is the outcome. I guess with wildly differing libidos that seemed a compromise. But I struggle with even that. If he had what he wanted it would prob be 10 times a week including anal, oral etc which is just off the agenda for me in light of the weight of this problem in our marriage. So that prob makes me a prude too. Tracey bloody Cox would defo say so 😂!
Where the hell would either of you find the time or energy to have sex 10 times a week, when you work (presumably he works full time?) and have three children in the house?

I’m sorry but this is not funny at all OP. It’s really disturbing and not normal. I hope you’re using humour as a defence mechanism and you don’t really find it amusing. You need to find a one-on-one counsellor to discuss this with (as it seems to have been normalised in your head), and he needs help for his sex addiction which is resulting in abusive behaviour.

GertietheGherkin · 07/06/2021 08:39

@Chillionice

Quite honestly I can get away with a brush off around once a month and I ‘negotiated’menstrual days off years ago. The other 24/25 days of the month, if I suggest I’m not up for it I get grumpiness and rejection.
Let him be grumpy! Let him reject you! What have you got to lose? He sounds like a selfish grumpy man anyway.
Jumpingintosummer · 07/06/2021 08:39

Unfortunately you want us all to say just think of England and this is your best option. It is not.

Strive to escape, show your children what strong and happy actually looks like. They may not know how you are being controlled but they will see it.

Feelinghothothottoday · 07/06/2021 08:39

What do you want to do OP?

You can’t change your husband and he will not change. So the decisions have to be yours.

To me it seems you are happy to stay and put up with this abuse just so that you can say you stayed married. Cruel but true.

Lovemusic33 · 07/06/2021 08:39

@Feelinghothothottoday

Nope that’s not true op. There is no sadness in my life living with my children.
Same, my life’s 100% better since I left him. No one has to jump into another bad relationship, I enjoy my single life.
Newkitchen123 · 07/06/2021 08:39

I'm struggling to get my head round the fact that this daily sex which you clearly don't want was discussed in a counselling session and the counsellor thought it was even an option never mind a good idea

WineAcademy · 07/06/2021 08:39

Do you not think that aome of us commenting in this thread know what we are talking about, because we have lived it?

You are worth more than this. You are a whole human being, not some toy to be picked up and put down again.

MaMelon · 07/06/2021 08:40

Just a thought...was this counselling delivered by a religious organisation?

Hotcuppatea · 07/06/2021 08:40

@Chillionice

Thank you for sharing this. My husband says (& said in counselling) that I am controlling his sex life when I refuse/reject/negotiate. I obvs say agreed consent is fundamental. The daily morning is the outcome. I guess with wildly differing libidos that seemed a compromise. But I struggle with even that. If he had what he wanted it would prob be 10 times a week including anal, oral etc which is just off the agenda for me in light of the weight of this problem in our marriage. So that prob makes me a prude too. Tracey bloody Cox would defo say so 😂!
Please don't feel like you need to make light of this situation. It's as awful as you suspect.

Being sexually adventurous is great if you're with a loving, respectful partner who you fancy. It's a much darker thing if you're being coerced.

TheQueef · 07/06/2021 08:41

@MaMelon

Just a thought...was this counselling delivered by a religious organisation?
Wondering the same.
MummBraTheEverLeaking · 07/06/2021 08:42

Your councillor sounds crap. Was there any time they agreed with any point you raised, and not just telling you the things you bought up weren't relevant?

No wonder he feels empowered to do this! And you feel like it's a compromise!!

shesellsseacats · 07/06/2021 08:43

I tried to have sex without intimacy for the sake of holding a relationship together. It really damages your psyche and it gets worse, not better. Please don't do this to yourself.

There is life after marriage. Perhaps start a thread asking people for their experiences of life after marriage so you can see it can be a positive move?

Knitwit101 · 07/06/2021 08:44

I sort of vaguely get you op. We have a good marriage apart from the fact that I don't really care about sex and he does. We have sex twice a week.
I do it because I love him and I recognise its something important him. It doesn't cost me anything. But if it was entirely up to me I wouldn't bother.
But I love my husband, I like him, we're a good family unit. I'm happy to give him 15 minutes twice a week. I know he'd love more but this is our compromise. It's a mutually agreed compromise though, it sounds like yours is not.

Mrgrinch · 07/06/2021 08:44

Do you speak to eachother before/during/after the act OP? Does he try to do anything to please you?

CandidaAlbicans2 · 07/06/2021 08:44

@Chillionice, you’ve said you don’t want to have sex with him (fair enough, I wouldn’t either as he sounds awful), and you don’t want him wanking in bed with you (fair enough), so can’t you get up first and leave him to wank? Or ask him to do it in the bathroom so he’s not disturbing you?

Interesting that he seems to have got a regular set agreement out of counselling but you haven't got an agreement to communicate better
Yes, that’s really off.

5 minutes a day vs 3 kids being taken through a traumatic break up has become the balance
Why do you think it’ll be “traumatic”?

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