The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

Wonderful update and I do remember your first thread..missed the update so happy to see it now.

it sounds as if over time you have become worn down into accepting this. But this is not normal at all. Isn’t sex supposed to be an expression of love and desire ? It sounds. As if you have neither of those things in your marriage any more. I am so sorry that you are in this situation

Just read this not realising it was last year- so delighted to read the update! Congratulations. Big cheers to all escapees from abuse.

Twillow you are right about the energy and clarity of mind you find when you move away from the injustice/resentment.
I agree it is also fitting how he self destroyed.
Despite that I would like it to be clear to others how difficult it is in the days/weeks after leaving. This article below is the third and probably final one I would recommend to anyone facing questions similar to those I have.
My husband could be a nice guy 90% of the time. I thought I was being compromising, understanding and being a good (atheist!) , mature wife when I forgave him the times in our marriage when his stress/anger led to him to being verbally abusive, discouraging certain friendships, disrupting family visits.
Sexual obligation was only one part of a much bigger, subtle tapestry of coercive control.
To be free of that irrationality, sulking and constant need for conflict is truly liberating but anyone in this situation must be aware that they have become changed by such dynamics. I can still be prone to him pulling the ‘hard done by Dad’ routine, of him constantly implying I left him as he is incapable of any self awareness/responsibility.
The arrive below was brilliant when I thought I may waver back to him or when the rock face you have to scale to separate, keep separated and ultimately divorce seemed way too high.
It also stopped me self questioning as it really sums up how pointless that is when dealing with people who are very low empathy and wholly self centred.
There is not enough conversation about this amongst women my age nor is there realistic advice out there. It’s a very lonely place to inhabit for so long yet the articles I have shared were instrumental in making me realise I was not alone and informing me of exactly what I was dealing with.
Please share to the other women people have mentioned in this thread who may need support or benefit from their eyes being wide open.
Good luck x

apommerenk.medium.com/the-first-50-days-away-from-the-narcissistic-ex-partner-ead6c246c94

I didn't see your thread last year but have just read through it hoping for a positive ending. Well done for getting away, for starting to rebuild your life, for being so strong for your children and for you. You have done the right thing. I wish you so much luck and happiness for the future.

I remember your post from last summer. So happy and relieved that you've walked away and filed for divorce from this controlling, abusive man. That must have been so incredibly hard, but it was absolutely the right decision. Wishing you happiness as you move forward in life.

To be free of that irrationality, sulking and constant need for conflict is truly liberating but anyone in this situation must be aware that they have become changed by such dynamics. I can still be prone to him pulling the ‘hard done by Dad’ routine, of him constantly implying I left him as he is incapable of any self awareness/responsibility.

The arrive below was brilliant when I thought I may waver back to him or when the rock face you have to scale to separate, keep separated and ultimately divorce seemed way too high.

It also stopped me self questioning as it really sums up how pointless that is when dealing with people who are very low empathy and wholly self centred.

it’s crazy how you’ve described my STBXH and my situation! Madness
I’m going to read your posts in full as I really could learn a thing or two 😔

So pleased to hear the happy ending to your story.

I really think this thread will have/will continue to, help many others too.

So pleased to read a happy ending.

Gosh what an incredible article op thanks for sharing. I had a 3 year relationship in my twenties like that thank god I managed to find the strength to leave it - had to move cities and start a new life to be able to do so however. No kids or marriage thank god. I shudder literally shudder to think what my life would be like now if I had stayed in that relationship. I was sucked into that cycle too as described I can see that now. Met Dh and such a relief to be with a normal kind man.

it feels like coercion or being forced since you don't want to do it.

Can't he wank now and again. What a soulless unloving existence you have with your husband. Why do you stay together? It's really not good for either of you. It's 2022 and you only have one life, don't spend it each morning knowing sex that you hate will come.

I'm so sorry. I read the starting pages and commented and now see you have parted. Thank goodness.

HNRFT ...this is abuse!!

Oh gosh .Sorry have now read youtupdate...Well Done You 💕👍Xx

@Chillionice you see, this is why I stay away from relationships. I had an ex who was abusive really about this thing and I left him and glad I did, never look back. I am asexual and just don't want this sort of thing you know. I'm better off alone, it's more stable and comfotable and at least no expectation of "bed dancing" you know. I don't even have the time and energy for that nonsense, it is repulsive in my opinion, sorry.

I am so pleased you and your kids have started a new life.x

I'm SO happy to read these updates - thank you for sharing them!

Reading this today for the first time I didn't notice the date at the start of the thread at first. I'm so so relieved to read your felt bolstered by posting and that you are now free. it's so sad how some people are coerced as you were.

@Chillionice it is so good to read your story - mine is remarkably similar. It has been over 18 months now and we are still living in the fmh, I have spent about 10k on solicitors and am hoping to get out in the next 6 months. It’s been awful. But I hang on to the thought of being able to go home, shut my front door and relax. Properly, not with half an ear out for stbxh wondering if today’s the day he’s going to have another go at me again (not physical).

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4046626-Silent-treatment

Thank you for your positive update. You’re always so articulate about your experience and now with advice and support. I’m so glad things are better for you. Lots of love and support.

@Chillionice
I didn't read your original thread last year but just RTFT and updates. Just wanted to add my good wishes. Also, your children already sound great, but the role modelling you have done for them around boundaries and respect in relationships is fantastic.

Can you not just wake up earlier than him and go downstairs for breakfast. He isn't very nice if he gets pleasure knowing you don't like it

Oh sorry just read the full thread - well done

You need to communicate that this is not going to continue. Not wanting to have intercourse every day is not a rejection, but it will end up in a complete disaster for your relationship. I was previously with some one where I had to have sex if they wanted it as he was physically and mentally abusive and this followed me into my next relationship were my boundaries were blurred as to what I would accept. You need to be honest about how you feel for your own sake, you can deal with what ever comes after and if your husband wont see what damage this is doing then you are better off without him.

Coercive control, sexual and emotional, is one of the most awful abuses a woman can experience in a marriage/partnership. It's insidious and so damaging, many women are not aware how much they are being controlled because their Hs are good "most of the time" .

I didn't read your threat last year but I'm so happy you are divorced and in a different place now.