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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The expectation of daily sex.

842 replies

Chillionice · 07/06/2021 07:30

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

OP posts:
NeedNewKnees · 07/06/2021 08:24

You get up first and leave him in bed to wank.
Tell him wanking and disturbing your sleep isn’t acceptable, he can do so once you’ve left the bed or he can go to the bathroom.

Surfingwaves · 07/06/2021 08:24

@Chillionice

Know from my friends that all marriages have sex issues. Usually no sex or men wanting more sex. Most other people won’t speak openly. Just wondered if others had my problem? Or maybe they are older generation and not on Mumsnet x
I am 46. I want loads of sex for about a week in my cycle, the rest of the time I have no libido. We have sex loads in that week. We don't have sex when I don't want to. My partner would not want to have sex with me if he knew I wasn't enjoying it.
JinglingHellsBells · 07/06/2021 08:24

I am very old and even my friends who are not swinging from the chandeliers are not putting up with an abusive marriage.

Do you have a history of being abused, low self worth etc?

It comes over as if you cannot really see this issue for what it is.

It's not simply mis-matched libido- it's abuse.

TheQueef · 07/06/2021 08:24

@Surfingwaves having someone's sexual activity directed at you when you don't want it is nasty.
Chilli seems to be in a rotation of duty sex.
It's ok not to want this.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 07/06/2021 08:24

Hang on- are you saying you didn't want him wanking so agreed upon this once a day shag instead? If so that can be remedied very easily. He can wank in the bathroom whenever he wants and leave you alone in the mornings!

Bagelsandbrie · 07/06/2021 08:25

@Chillionice

Know from my friends that all marriages have sex issues. Usually no sex or men wanting more sex. Most other people won’t speak openly. Just wondered if others had my problem? Or maybe they are older generation and not on Mumsnet x
I highly doubt the older generation have the issue of their husbands demanding daily sex. Usually sex becomes less as people age. Often anyway. Not always admittedly.

Yep most relationships do have sex issues. One way or another. But this is very abusive behaviour. If you can’t even discuss it with him without feeling scared of his reaction that’s not within the normal realms of sex problems at all.

Surfingwaves · 07/06/2021 08:25

[quote TheQueef]@Surfingwaves having someone's sexual activity directed at you when you don't want it is nasty.
Chilli seems to be in a rotation of duty sex.
It's ok not to want this.[/quote]
I get that but I'd prefer it to having to have sex when I didn't want to

stevalnamechanger · 07/06/2021 08:26

This is abusive . I'd leave . Please get help and get out of there

Grumblesigh · 07/06/2021 08:26

Enthusiastic consent.

That's what we tell our teens and young adult dc, right? It's not just a grudging 'go ahead, then' you're looking for. You do not have sex unless your partner has happily and willingly given their consent, without pressure or coercion. Your partner needs to want sex with you, not just tolerate it quietly.

This should be your rule for you, too, OP. Marriage doesn't change the enthusiastic consent requirement. In fact it makes it more essential- this isn't some one night stand you can write off. This is your life.

Cheeseplantandpickle · 07/06/2021 08:26

He sounds repulsive. It’s a form of control

stackemhigh · 07/06/2021 08:27

If you won't LTB, leave the bedroom in the morning and tell him he can wank in peace but the coercive sex stops.

insertrandomusernamehere · 07/06/2021 08:27

This is a very sad read OP. Your marriage is over. Sex isn't the plaster that's going to hold it together.

DaphneDuBois · 07/06/2021 08:28

Your body is not his to just use whether you like it or not. I absolutely would not go along with having sex with him purely to keep him from sulking again. If he can’t deal with not having sex on demand then that’s his issue - it’s impossible to overstate just how unreasonable / selfish / awful he is being.

As others have said, he may not be physically forcing you but the fact that he knows you don’t want to and are simply going along with it to stop his reaction is really worrying and does make it seem more like repeated rape than anything else.

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 07/06/2021 08:28

You’re being coerced into sex you don’t want, why do you want to keep being married to this hideous man?

Peachee · 07/06/2021 08:29

This is so sad and hard to read.
I think if you looked at it from an outside perspective in that would your kids in years to come want you to have put up with this for the sake of keeping them part of a relationship that didn’t work, also in 10 years time would you find it acceptable to be in this unhappy relationship to have wasted so many years when you could have been happy and shown your children that a positive relationship is important.
Although the word ‘rape’ is really strong, I kind of agree.. if my partner asked me to do this I would feel completely violated.. he just uses you to pump himself into for his own satisfaction. Every morning??? Wtf! It’s awful.
I hope you find the courage one day to move away and show yourself the self respect and love you deserve. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. You deserve better.

Lovemusic33 · 07/06/2021 08:30

My ex husband was like this. The last few years of our marriage we didn’t even share a bed but he would still pop into my room each morning expecting sex. Our relationship had just become a routine, we barely spoke and rarely kissed, sex was boring with no feelings or romance. Getting out of my marriage was the best thing I ever did and I have had much better sex sine being single 🤣. No one has to put up with being treated like this, I just wish I left him sooner.

thepeopleversuswork · 07/06/2021 08:30

Sorry but this marriage is not worth saving. A man who makes you feel that daily sex that you don't want is an entitlement is not a good man and not a good father.

You have to get past the perception that your marriage is worth hanging on to. Even if you can "negotiate" more sex free days and the terminology is awful because it suggests you're getting perks you can't respect yourself if you remain with someone who thinks he has an automatic right to your body.

Do you work? Do you have any income?

DumplingsAndStew · 07/06/2021 08:30

@Chillionice

5 minutes a day vs 3 kids being taken through a traumatic break up has become the balance.

The suggestion that being raped daily is preferable to leaving a relationship is awful. Plenty of people leave bad marriages, plenty of people leave good marriages, mediocre marriages.

Finding out in the future that their father raped their mother daily, and she tolerated it so they wouldn't be from a 'broken home', that will mess them up way more than a divorce would.

stackemhigh · 07/06/2021 08:31

[quote TheQueef]@Surfingwaves having someone's sexual activity directed at you when you don't want it is nasty.
Chilli seems to be in a rotation of duty sex.
It's ok not to want this.[/quote]
I don't think @Surfingwaves has said differently? She said 'we don't have sex when I don't want to.'

Feelinghothothottoday · 07/06/2021 08:32

As others have said, get up in the morning and leave him to have a wank.

He sounds disgusting.

Would you like to leave him OP as you don’t sound happy. We only get one go at this life and it feels like it goes faster every year as we get older. Did you think when you were in your 20s that you would be this sad now? Get out op and enjoy what you have left.

Purplewithred · 07/06/2021 08:32

So now you know we all think he is selfish and abusive. What are you going to do? Carry on being used like a sex doll and hating him more and becoming more miserable, while preserving the illusion of a perfect marriage for your children?

Believe me, you won’t be fooling the kids for long.

Horehound · 07/06/2021 08:32

Sex by coercion is rape.

Ohhyeahright · 07/06/2021 08:33

This is horrific. Op, tf??

Original poster
Chillionice · 07/06/2021 08:33

Thank you for sharing this. My husband says (& said in counselling) that I am controlling his sex life when I refuse/reject/negotiate. I obvs say agreed consent is fundamental. The daily morning is the outcome. I guess with wildly differing libidos that seemed a compromise. But I struggle with even that. If he had what he wanted it would prob be 10 times a week including anal, oral etc which is just off the agenda for me in light of the weight of this problem in our marriage. So that prob makes me a prude too. Tracey bloody Cox would defo say so 😂!

OP posts:
BagORats · 07/06/2021 08:34

@Bigtruth

A lot of talk about rape considering this sex is mutually agreed. He's offered to masterbate and OP kicked off so they AGREED between them the current situation. If it no longer suits it needs to be discussed and they can both decide if it's ok and want to stay in the marriage.
Sex that is agreed to so as not to cause repurcussions is not consenting sex. It's coerced sex, therefore its rape.

If she's agreeing to sex so her H isn't in a mood or having sex puts off further abuse then she's not freely consenting.

Not sure why that needs pointing out but hey ho.