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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to have this conversation with Nanny

221 replies

itisworthit · 06/06/2021 13:27

NC as I know I'll be roasted for this.

I want to have a conversation with our nanny on how she dresses.

In the summer, one day, she wore a bra top but work a waist coat with it- so I thought this was ok and but my tongue.

Last week, dear Lord, I collected my daughter from her and she was wearing a tight fitting long summer dress (no problem) but no bra and you can see clearly clearly see her breast outline and nipples. I was so shocked. I just hit my tongue and just took DS home.

I want to have a conversation about her regarding this. But I don't know how to broach it without being too insensitive. What should I do? AIBU to bring this up to her?

OP posts:
saraclara · 10/06/2021 14:10

@Hallyup6

I absolutely agree with you, op. I don't think it's professional at all.
Me too. This thread is insane.

An employee in any position would be expected to dress reasonably. I can't think of a single job outside entertainment, where wearing a bra top or having visible nipples would be acceptable.

This is one of those threads where it depends on how the first two or three posters respond before everyone jumps on to copy them

PacifyLulu · 10/06/2021 14:11

OP you sound a bit mean tbh.

glitterelf · 10/06/2021 14:11

They say beauty is the eye of the beholder and as you clearly have issues with the female body I'm reluctant to trust your judgment on how attractive your nanny is.

Original poster
itisworthit · 10/06/2021 14:19

I've had idiotic replies saying that "I must fancy the nanny", "Why am I perving at her breasts", "she sounds hot".

I will not change my view that the way she dressed that was very unprofessional. I do not fancy my nanny, have no attraction to her whatsoever and I do not find her attractive, to me, I did not say she was ugly.

OP posts:
therocinante · 10/06/2021 14:24

Lmao YABU.

I don't wear a 'proper' bra ever and rarely even a bralet. As I don't wish to live in thick jumpers, in the summer months it is apparent if you were looking that I do in fact have tits and - saucy - nipples. Yep, even at work.

If someone told me I had to wear a bra or something that made impossible to see the outline of my breasts I would tell them to get fucked.

therocinante · 10/06/2021 14:29

@itisworthit

but the dress was longer but very tight fitting, like the first picture and same material
So she has a longish dress, with covered arms. And presumably was able to walk and perform her duties?

So your entire problem is that it was possible to tell that she has (not unexpectedly) got nipples?

Get a grip. State 'must not visibly have tits' on your next nanny application, see how any applicants you get.

Original poster
itisworthit · 10/06/2021 14:32

It wasn't long sleeved.

Anyway, I have moved on from this thread now. I created this post three days ago. Got my answers and I'm oooout. I know what I need to do now, just have to bear it and throw a little party for when she leaves. Wine

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 10/06/2021 14:43

saraclara
I think it's the OP's focus that's shifted people's responses.

If a poster said "a nanny was wearing a clingy dress that's more appropriate for day drinks, or nights out than working with children. AIBU to remind her that she needs to wear clothing that's appropriate for working with young children", they'd have very different replies than the OP.

The OP has no particularly logic because apparently being fine with a bra top being worn and she said she's got no problem with the offending long fitted summer dress that the nanny was wearing, just the fact that the shape of the nanny's boobs was visible. Even if the nanny wore a bra, a tight fitting dress (that the OP said she had no problem with) would show the shape of her breasts.
So either the dress itself isn't appropriate for the job (in which case there's no need for the obsession about the nanny's boobs), or the dress is appropriate because the OP had no issue with with dress (in which case there's no need to obsession about seeing the shape of the nanny's boobs).

If the dress doesn't work for working with young children then it would be inappropriate attire with or without a bra on.

zaema · 10/06/2021 14:45

I think people know full-well what you mean, OP. They are pretending not to.

It’s about professionalism. End of. If a male nanny (manny?) turned up shirtless, or in a string vest a la Rab C Nesbitt, it would be the same issue.

She can wear what she likes in her own time, but when at work, there are certain basic standards.

I once worked as an au pair when I was a teen and I wouldn’t have worn revealing clothing on the job because it reflects badly on the children and the family who have hired you. Also, the husband was a perve and used to stare at me in a way made me very uncomfortable. I don’t think his wife even cared. He once split something on the floor and I’m sure it was in purpose and told me to clean the floor on my hands and knees while he stood over me and watched. Shortly after that was when I left. You can’t be too careful in this kind of situation.

3Britnee · 10/06/2021 14:46

I don't think basically having your tits out is appropriate or professional. If you can't smoke in there because it's a workplace, which presumably she can't, then that should apply to clothes too.

mustlovegin · 10/06/2021 14:49

I can see where you're coming from OP

LolaSmiles · 10/06/2021 14:53

I think people know full-well what you mean, OP. They are pretending not to
Not at all.
I've got some nice dresses that I wouldn't wear to work because they don't fit my workplace's dress code. They're too clingy and don't constitute professional dress for my role. They wouldn't be more or less OK based on my underwear choices.

I'd be laughing down the pub if my employer used the same logic as the OP "lola, it was fine for you to wear a bra top, and I have no issue with that clingy dress, but I dislike the fact I can see the shape of your breasts. Seeing the shape of your breasts is unprofessional, even though wearing a bra would still mean you were a be-boobied woman wearing a the same clingy dress that I've no issue with".

Coolandclamy · 10/06/2021 14:53

I too can see where you are coming from. Very few people would think it appropriate to turn up in their work place with their private bits visibly outline.

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 10/06/2021 14:56

What I don't like is clearly seeing her breasts and nipples. I'm sorry if that's prudish. But it just smacks unprofessionalism.

@itisworthit what the hell is she supposed to do, cut them off??? It does seem a bit odd that you're checking out her breasts though...

If you want her to be professionally dressed, supply a uniform.

VeganCheesePlease · 10/06/2021 15:04

Woah!! I was sort of seeing your point til you came out with this one. You're the bra police and attractiveness police too! Holy shit.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/06/2021 15:06

The image Accidentallyonpurpose posted is not appropriate for nannying in. The posters trying to make out this level of revealing is the same as a tailored office dress, or a wrap dress are being daft, it's not remotely comparable. It's also not the same as nipples showing through normal clothing. It's skin tight and virtually see through. I've worked in many offices and none would have permitted that.

I run a childcare business and under no circumstances would a member of staff be working in that (yes, we have a stated dress code, which has had to be added to over the years...)

VeganCheesePlease · 10/06/2021 15:07

Honestly you have sunk yourself with the comment about her looks. You've gone on about how it's unprofessional (fair enough, employers can have dress codes) and now you're basically saying she's not pretty enough to go braless. If you're a real person I think you need to examine your attitude a little.
You also started out she's not dressing appropriately, then you say she's not a good nanny, then you make a comment on her appearance.

LolaSmiles · 10/06/2021 15:27

The image Accidentallyonpurpose posted is not appropriate for nannying in. The posters trying to make out this level of revealing is the same as a tailored office dress, or a wrap dress are being daft, it's not remotely comparable. It's also not the same as nipples showing through normal clothing. It's skin tight and virtually see through. I've worked in many offices and none would have permitted that
That was me and I didn't say they were the same.

I was pointing out that the OP's claims that seeing the shape of a woman's breasts is unprofessional also means that a whole load of women's clothing is apparently unprofessional.

As I said up thread, if a dress isn't appropriate for the job then it's not appropriate for the job: no comments about her boobs are required, nor are any silly claims that seeing a woman's breast shape is unprofessional.

The OP makes no sense because she said in her first post that that had no problem with the dress, so we get tied in knots over not having a problem with a bra top, being ok with the long clingy summer dress, being ok with bra/no bra, but then there's this blanket claim that seeing the shape of a woman's boobs is unprofessional.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/06/2021 15:44

There's a difference between the shape of breasts as seen through a normal weight office dress, and the shape as seen in that picture. I don't think by shape of the breasts op was talking about curves - she was talking about the sort of visibility in that picture. It's hard to explain the differences without people misinterpreting but there clearly is a difference.

mustlovegin · 10/06/2021 16:07

Serious question

Would any of the posters making jokes about the OP feel comfortable having their husband or teenage boys (working/studying from home) with a nanny dressed like the pictures Accidentaly has shown?

Shock

Just curious

LolaSmiles · 10/06/2021 18:33

StatisticallyChallenged
There is a difference, I agree, however the OP has said that the dress was OK and also said that the seeing the shape of a woman's breasts is unprofessional.

If the shape of a woman's breasts is unprofessional then not only is the sort of dress described and referenced in the picture upthread unprofessional then so are the vast majority of women's clothing that show women have breasts.

If the dress was acceptable, which the OP says in their first post, then they can't argue that seeing the shape of women's breasts in unprofessional as the sort of dress referred to up thread would be clinging around the breast area regardless of whether a bra was worn or not.

It makes no sense to say a super clingy dress is fine, but it's unprofessional to see the shape of a woman's boobs when arguing there is a problem with the dress that was apparently OK.

Really the OP's offence at boobs shouldn't come into it as the dress is either appropriate for working with young children, or it isn't, and the issue can be raised or not on the basis of the dress. Boobs are irrelevant.

Nbnbnb · 10/06/2021 18:39

Is your child happy there? That really is the main thing..

LolaSmiles · 10/06/2021 18:39

I don't mean go sound like an arse btw. I feel that dress codes and expectations should be done on the needs of the role and any public image the company may want & women's bodies don't come up it.

This thread reminds me of the leggings issue in some workplaces. Whether leggings are appropriate to be worn as a trouser substitute in the workplace is a dress code issue that applies to everyone, not they're fine as a substitute for one colleague, but unprofessional for another (usually based on whether someone likes or doesn't like how the leggings look on different women's bodies).

saraclara · 10/06/2021 18:42

In the OP, it says that her nipples were visible. And I think therein lies the issue. For all the 'free the nipple' talk, I honestly don't think that any clothing that makes the nipples very visible, is suitable in any kind of working role. And I can't imagine any employer accepting that, even if there is no clear dress code.

Original poster
itisworthit · 10/06/2021 19:03

I saw her entire breast outline, it's shade colour and her nipples. It was very very noticeable. The fact that her dress was tight and sheer made it worse and even more visible.

OP posts: