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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to have this conversation with Nanny

221 replies

itisworthit · 06/06/2021 13:27

NC as I know I'll be roasted for this.

I want to have a conversation with our nanny on how she dresses.

In the summer, one day, she wore a bra top but work a waist coat with it- so I thought this was ok and but my tongue.

Last week, dear Lord, I collected my daughter from her and she was wearing a tight fitting long summer dress (no problem) but no bra and you can see clearly clearly see her breast outline and nipples. I was so shocked. I just hit my tongue and just took DS home.

I want to have a conversation about her regarding this. But I don't know how to broach it without being too insensitive. What should I do? AIBU to bring this up to her?

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 06/06/2021 14:24

@TheLeadbetterLife

We do define in our staff handbook to a certain extent , no ripped jeans no very short shorts etc etc . ( so applies to men and women)

But don’t people have any common sense at the moment as to what is appropriate for certain situations ? Why should an employer have to specify ?

Would you expect a doctor to examine you while flashing their buttocks in short shorts ?

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 06/06/2021 14:31

This says more about you OP than your nanny.

Children wouldn't notice braless boobs (unless naked!) or nipples unless they're tweens/teens.

Personally, I don't see the problem on a really hot day. If it's a regular thing maybe something to comment on.

Isn't there a scene a bit like this at the beginning of SATC 2 with Alice Eve (nanny for Charlotte's DC)?

glitterelf · 06/06/2021 14:31

I'm a childminder and mainly dress in jeans and a fitted top however with the warmer weather I'm wearing whatever I feel comfortable in. If one of my parents complained about what I was wearing because they can see I've got boobs I'd probably laugh at them and offer them a way out of the contract if they felt that offended by the shape of my body.
However I am my own boss so it's different for me but you can have a conversation and put in place a dress code but don't be surprised if you lose your nanny.

Original poster
itisworthit · 06/06/2021 14:34

We use to have a nanny, before she moved away, who was a Goth and one of those, you can't help but stare. She was amazing. Parents at school were horrified by her appearance and judged her. They kept telling me that I should tell her to dress appropriately. I didn't because, she was dressed appropriately and her attire was just different and two, I have many friends who are punk and Goth.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't police people when it comes to their attire. I think she's an unprofessional nanny and I don't think she's good (but that's for another thread) we are sticking with her until the end of the summer term as it's difficult to find a nanny with the arrangements that we want. I don't think she cares about the role, always tries to finish earlier than she is suppose to leave. Again, that's for another thread.

I think I'm just going to have a diplomatic, frank discussion with her. On the other hand, I just feel like biting my tongue till her contract ends.

OP posts:
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 06/06/2021 14:36

Haven't RTFT but just wanted to say OP I agree. I think people are making this into a big sexist problem and sarcastically talking about breasts as though the OP is saying her children can't see normal himan bodies. I think this is less about that and more about the nanny being at work and not going for a day on the beach or for a jog in the park. It's about clothes being right for the activity you're doing in them. The nanny wouldn't turn up at the supermarket dressed in a bikini, and if she did everyone would want to know why becuase it's a supermarket not the beach. They wouldn't be saying it was a problem becuase their children shouldn't see it, because they'd see it at the beach, theyd be saying it becuase its under dressed and the sort of outfit that will attract looks and attention. A nanny doesn't need to be turning up at the school to pick up the children in her care wearing a sports bra and a waistcoat, or wearing a dress that leaves none of her body to the imagination, and men and women (and young girls and boys starting puberty and learning about their bodies and sexualisation, opening the OPs children up to jokes, and questions to their own mums and dads about "So it's ok for a lady to wear a bra to work but you won't let me wear one to the school disco....?") are going to look at her and think it's not really work attire. Just becuase breasts are a natural body part and breastfeeding a natural function modesty in some areas of life is still a normal thing to want, and in a job with children it's paramount. A male nanny in a tracksuit would be told he wasn't dressed for work and no would think that was BU, and there'd be even more of a fuss if he'd gone commando and the "outline" was visible (and before the "but breasts shouldn't be sexual! team starts up again the fact is that we know they are, and actually testicles aren't any more "sexual" and are a normal thing with the function of making children, the same as breasts are used to feed children, but they are still both classed as too sexualise, and lacking modesty to need to be showing off at work). The nanny knows when she put these outfits on they're going to attract sexual attention and attention to her body from everyone, male or female, so I don't agree it's a case of "she should be able to dress how she wants! It's just a body, women shouldn't have to hide!". Well, at work, and in some areas of life, I agree with the OP, that people should "hide" a few key areas.

badacorn · 06/06/2021 14:37

If you are ending the contact soon I vote bite your tongue.. if you don’t have good rapport already I think it will just make things awkward and frosty. Just try not to look at her top on the super hot days...

fashionablefennel · 06/06/2021 14:38

Totally unprofessional.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/06/2021 14:38

Clutches pearls

LemonTT · 06/06/2021 14:39

I thought you were off to Chat to find a better class of poster.

Seems you enjoy the drama and froth of Aibu. The clicks are too inviting to miss and no doubt you will get tabloid interest.

Original poster
itisworthit · 06/06/2021 14:39

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

Thank you. I was soon losing hope.

OP posts:
Pipefish · 06/06/2021 14:41

I genuinely can't believe anyone has the head space to care what other women wear. For working with children surely 'professional' just means practical clothes with no swear words written on them. Why would any woman be shocked at seeing someone's nipples through their clothes if they're not actually a Victorian person who has travelled through time. Are you not thinking 'woop I have a reliable and good childcare provider who I trust to look after my children' and counting yourself lucky?

JamesGetIn · 06/06/2021 14:41

Gotta cover up them thangs yeah 😎

TentTalk · 06/06/2021 14:41

A male nanny in a tracksuit would be told he wasn't dressed for work

No they wouldn't! A tracksuit is perfectly fine for doing childcare. A suit, is not!

user1493494961 · 06/06/2021 14:44

Just tell her they're standing out like chapel hat pegs.

MangosteenSoda · 06/06/2021 14:48

The outfits you describe don’t sound like appropriate outfits for most types of jobs, including nannying. However, at this point I wouldn’t say anything as it sounds like you are coming to the end of your working relationship soon.

Wearing very tight clothes at work: Completely normal and not a problem when they are not see through.

TentTalk · 06/06/2021 14:48

@user1493494961

Just tell her they're standing out like chapel hat pegs.
And if she doesn't care? I doubt she isn't already aware!
fashionablefennel · 06/06/2021 14:49

But don’t people have any common sense at the moment as to what is appropriate for certain situations ? Why should an employer have to specify ?

sadly no! The lack of common sense is the reason behind most handbooks and dress codes.

Just look at people having to be TOLD (and still ignoring) not to wear beachwear in a church or a restaurant. Some people had to be told to wear appropriate work outfits, it's shocking.

Original poster
itisworthit · 06/06/2021 14:51

@LemonTT

I thought you were off to Chat to find a better class of poster.

Seems you enjoy the drama and froth of Aibu. The clicks are too inviting to miss and no doubt you will get tabloid interest.

The Chat gets over field with threads that many posters miss it.

AIBU has way more posters commenting on threads in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
itisworthit · 06/06/2021 14:54

@MangosteenSoda

The outfits you describe don’t sound like appropriate outfits for most types of jobs, including nannying. However, at this point I wouldn’t say anything as it sounds like you are coming to the end of your working relationship soon.

Wearing very tight clothes at work: Completely normal and not a problem when they are not see through.

That's probably the best approach.

I'm just going to bite my tongue till she goes. I am counting down the weeks!

OP posts:
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 06/06/2021 15:00

@TentTalk

A male nanny in a tracksuit would be told he wasn't dressed for work

No they wouldn't! A tracksuit is perfectly fine for doing childcare. A suit, is not!

You've missed out on understanding the sentence because you have only picked a few words of it. But you obviously don't care and just want to try and find fault.
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/06/2021 15:01

@itisworthit I do hope you plan to give her proper notice and pay her.

LemonSherbetFancies · 06/06/2021 15:02

If the contract is ending I would not say anything.

Original poster
itisworthit · 06/06/2021 15:04

[quote AccidentallyOnPurpose]@itisworthit I do hope you plan to give her proper notice and pay her.[/quote]
Yep! Our contract states that it will end in the Summer and would only extend if both parties wishes. I will definitely give her 4 weeks notice nevertheless.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/06/2021 15:06

I think it also depends on the dress.
Something like the first picture would be an issue because there's no way she can be active ,running after kids and interacting properly with them.

Something like the other two, or a vest type maxi dress, not an issue.

LucilleTheVampireBat · 06/06/2021 15:08

@Waspsarearseholes

Breasts are breast-shaped even when encased in a bra. Some bras even allow the nipples to poke through them too. What you're doing is assuming you have the right to dictate what underwear the childminder wears. Surely you can see that that is hideously inappropriate? Assuming this isn't a load of bollocks of course.
Exactly this. You think you have the right to tell your nanny what underwear she should wear. That's frankly disgusting. Honestly, women like you and the ones on this thread agreeing with you are an embarrassment.