To think my father is totally selfish & demanding - how would you respond?

[Rae34]

I'm in my 20s, was always close to him growing up - we had a very good relationship until a few years ago when we became argumentative and nasty. I actually thought he might be ill for a while. About a year ago, it came to a head when I said if he didn't change, I would reconsider having a relationship at all. It was very hard for me. Things have improved a lot since then.

I recently asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he responded nothing more than a hug, a card and a day out with me - how nice, I thought. Now is the time to mention my dad and I are both writers and another important point is he is a complete cheapskate.

A few months ago he said he wanted me to proofread his new book, which is hundreds of pages long - as a favour, by the way - not paying me. I stated I would be unable to do this as I work full time & am really busy completing my own projects on the side. He wasn't happy but accepted it.

He has now contacted me again and said 'For my birthday I want you to proofread and edit my book.' Not even asking or enquiring, just this is what you have to do.

Right now I am job hunting (which feels like a second job) and trying to finish my own project. I do not want to do this. I already told him I would not do it. And here he is AGAIN, telling me to do it. AIBU to tell him where to go? He is not short of cash by the way - he could easily ask a proper editor to do this for him.

He has done this repeatedly over the past few years - I will tell him 'no' to something and he will bring it up again and again. Like what I say and my boundaries don't matter.

I would proofread it. I think you’re being unfair.

Can someone offer some advice on what to say and how to handle this without falling out right before his birthday?

You asked him what he’s like for his birthday. He said, can you proofread his book… 🤷🏽

It’s not exactly ‘unfair and demanding,’ is it?

@Tippexy I have a full time job, I am editing my own book (my first book by the way as a young woman) - he has already published his and he is well past the early stage of his career. I will not be able to focus on what I am doing if I am doing his work.

Do you know what ever other normal, non cheapskate author does? They pay an editor. That's what they do. I can't do this on top of everything else. And he knows it - I already told him.

But he has reframed it as 'for my birthday' because he thinks I can't get out of it then.

Two weeks ago, he replied saying a card and a hug. After I already said no to doing this - asserting a boundary - he is now telling he wants it for his birthday.

It is a huge fxck you to my boundary imo. I am also suffering from mental health issues at the moment which doesn't help how I feel.

I would say “Sorry, but as I said before, I just don’t have that sort of spare time. I would love to go with your original suggestion and can’t wait to choose somewhere we can go to spend the day together”.

So by pp arguments if a builder friend asked what you wanted for your birthday it would be acceptable to ask for a house to be built
Some things are beyond what is ok for a gift request

Agree he is being completely unreasonable and inconsiderate, especially as being a writer himself he knows how hard it is to make money, get people to pay for what you do. To keep the peace, repeat your answer and tell him on much you we're looking forward to a day out with him. Personally I would avoid!

Just pretend you've read it and say it is all fine

That's what I used to do at school and has served me well in my job at McDonalds

It is unfair and demanding to insist that someone spend hours of their unpaid time as your present, yes. Especially when they have said they are busy. It's like asking someone to buy you a new car when they've asked what you want as a present.

I would say, "Dad, I don't have the time to do a good job on your book. Would you like me to help find someone who can do it professionally for you? I'm happy to contribute to getting this done for your birthday as a present, if that's what you'd like most."

It is manipulation to ask again and reframe as a birthday gift. He doesn't give a toss about my boundaries. I am so disappointed.

how do you mean @toiletbrushholder - avoid him you mean? I'd rather not. I did that before for ages because of his behaviour. I thought we had spent a year repairing the realtionship. But about 2 months ago he was nasty towards another relative so I shouldn't be surprised to learn he hasn't changed.

I'd just repeat the reply you've already goven. "I'm sorry dad I'm too busy with my own work to do that as it would take X hours I just don't have. I think I have told you that before but maybe you misunderstood. Let me know if you think of something more appropriate as a gift.

Proofreading a book is a HUGE amount of work. That will take days and days of doing that and nothing else. In my opinion that is an unreasonable thing to ask of you and frame as a birthday present (guilt trip) when you have already declined.

I'd just remind him of the reasons you said no in the first place.

I don't know what your budget would be for a birthday present but could you pay for a proofreader?

this is the other thing @ThuggeryAffair. A couple of years ago he came into his inheritance after my grandparent died and gave me a portion of it as 'early' inheritance to add to my savings to help me get on the property ladder. I was grateful.

When I said no to proofreading the book, he replied he had ALREADY PAID ME IN FULL. If that were the case, I wouldn't still have to work full time although I appreciated the help I received at the time. It seems now like that wasn't gifted but given as an 'I'll scratch your back if'

I work as a freelance editor and just the editing would take several days. Depending on how well he writes, the proofreading would take more time. The editing would cost several hundred pounds if he went there and the proofreading costs being about £18 per thousand words.

Buy him a bottle of wine and leave him to it.

Also it's not a good idea to ask a relative to edit your work. You need someone who's more objective.

@Tippexy, you clearly have no idea how much work this involves. It’s potentially several weeks’ full-time slog. OP, if I were you I’d offer to help him find a freelance editor to do this, at most. He’s being completely unreasonable.

Charming @Advic3Pl3as3. I don't think I'm the 'arsehole' in this scenario.

At the moment my full time job is so consuming that I don't even have time to edit my own book. It is taking me forever. I am job hunting in the evenings. I have little energy and feel really down most days.

I think I am going to say 'I said before that I am unable to do this. Have you forgotten? I have neither the time nor the headspace and I am quite surprised that you think I do?'

and then make the offer of birthday dinner and what not. There is a part of the relationship that is dealing with his inability do respect my boundaries. That is the real problem.

How much does a professional proof read and edit cost? How long would it take you?

@Tippexy

I would proofread it. I think you’re being unfair.

Do you do much proofreading? It involves reading an entire book you know, not just skipping through a four page essay.

Send him a card with the details of some good editiors in it and 50 quid to put towards it.

Why this talk about "boundaries"
He's previously asked for something, you said no
Then recently, because it's his birthday, he's asked again.
Why is that not just a variation of normal?
Why is this anything to do with your boundaries?
The rest of the world tolerates people asking them twice, why can't you?
You are only 20 (please stop going on about working full time, as if that's noteworthy,why wouldn't you work full time) and he gave you enough money to get on the property ladder and all you're willing to do is a card and a hug.
Selfish.