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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my father is totally selfish & demanding - how would you respond?

279 replies

Rae34 · 04/06/2021 23:12

I'm in my 20s, was always close to him growing up - we had a very good relationship until a few years ago when we became argumentative and nasty. I actually thought he might be ill for a while. About a year ago, it came to a head when I said if he didn't change, I would reconsider having a relationship at all. It was very hard for me. Things have improved a lot since then.

I recently asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he responded nothing more than a hug, a card and a day out with me - how nice, I thought. Now is the time to mention my dad and I are both writers and another important point is he is a complete cheapskate.

A few months ago he said he wanted me to proofread his new book, which is hundreds of pages long - as a favour, by the way - not paying me. I stated I would be unable to do this as I work full time & am really busy completing my own projects on the side. He wasn't happy but accepted it.

He has now contacted me again and said 'For my birthday I want you to proofread and edit my book.' Not even asking or enquiring, just this is what you have to do.

Right now I am job hunting (which feels like a second job) and trying to finish my own project. I do not want to do this. I already told him I would not do it. And here he is AGAIN, telling me to do it. AIBU to tell him where to go? He is not short of cash by the way - he could easily ask a proper editor to do this for him.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 05/06/2021 00:07

It was already clear that he was being selfish and demanding before you mentioned the "I've already paid in full" comment. It sounds like he knows he doesn't really deserve your love and kindness (i think he's right about that!) so he is resorting to say he's bought it.

Apart form anything else, he is demeaning himself as a father. He is admitting that he's not much of a dad, he sees himself as your employer!

This must be very disappointing for you. My dad, although I loved him dearly, was also a bit of a taker who just assumed he could impose himself on me. I know how it can make you feel guilty standing up to them, but better to have that nagging guilt occasionally, than burning resentment all the time!

Stick to your guns OP. Your dad should be ashamed of himself

HalzTangz · 05/06/2021 00:07

@Rae34

I'm sorry but he has a ridiculous amount of money since coming into that inheritance. He could easily pay for this service.

I'm sickened that he wants to add something like this to my already full plate. I asked him before if he would pay me to do it and he said he wouldn't.

So you've got time to do it if he pays you, but no time to do it if he doesnt?

I think you have time, but are selfish and want him to pay. Have you forgotten al the years he paid for you,the foo on your plate, the clothes on your back, the toys over the years and whatever else he bought. But you can't send some time doing what he's asked

Sittingonabench · 05/06/2021 00:08

Your reaction seems very disproportionate to the issue at hand. I’m sure there is back story to this but the way you speak of him certainly doesn’t seem very caring or respectful (as I would likely expect of families in general) and there does seem to be a bit of a respect issue on both sides. You throw in that he has money, could pay etc which is true of many things families do for each other. There are many people who would take such a request -proof read and edit - as an indication of respect and belief in your ability as a writer... I do think you are doing him a dis-service in this reaction (although as I said, I’m sure there is a back story)

Original poster
Rae34 · 05/06/2021 00:09

It is my business @Ponoka7. I was present during the disagreement with the other relative and he tried to involve me in it. You are right that it had nothing to do with me - but he tried to bring me to into it anyway.

He avoids paying money for things he can easily afford, such as petrol money and dinners, and I don't believe this is acceptable. He confided in me that he can't quite believe he now has all this money, so he just behaves as a thrifty spender like before. He laughs about it. It isn't cute. It's annoying for me and other relatives.

OP posts:
Totallyrandomname · 05/06/2021 00:09

@HalzTangz what? Kids shouldn’t have to pay their parents back because they provided the basics they needed in childhood. Parents have responsibility to look after their children. That doesn’t mean their children are forever indebted to them and it certainly doesn’t mean their children owe them anything.

pinkcattydude · 05/06/2021 00:09

Can you not just explain that given you are in full time employment you can’t give it the attention. It deserves

Original poster
Rae34 · 05/06/2021 00:13

[quote Totallyrandomname]@HalzTangz what? Kids shouldn’t have to pay their parents back because they provided the basics they needed in childhood. Parents have responsibility to look after their children. That doesn’t mean their children are forever indebted to them and it certainly doesn’t mean their children owe them anything.[/quote]
Exactly. My mother would never behave like this. Never. I've already spoken to her about it and she agrees he is out of order. Surely most decent parents wouldn't have such expectations Confused

I mean yes I can @pinkcattydude. He already knows this and he knows I am applying for lots of new jobs at the moment to escape the current awful job. The fact he asked me while knowing all this - I don't know what to say about it really.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 05/06/2021 00:14

This reply has been deleted

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RoseGoldEagle · 05/06/2021 00:15

Glad you are ignoring the weirdly aggressive posts OP. I wouldn’t get emotional in your response, it unfortunately sounds like he quite likes getting a rise out of you if he’s behaved like this in the past. Stick to very short and sweet ‘Sorry Dad I just don’t have the time.’ And don’t give in to this. Was he quite controlling when you lived at home? Sounds like he’s still trying to exert that control the even though you’re not living with him. Suggest another birthday present instead and be pleasant but firm on this one!

timeisnotaline · 05/06/2021 00:16

Come on dad try again,
It’s rude to ask for something I've already said I can’t do. It’s your birthday not the great festival of father worship and exhausting myself. I’ll put a card in the post then.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 05/06/2021 00:16

I know full well what proofreading involves, and I would definitely do that for my dad; I'd do it for a good friend too. I'd be honoured to be asked for my opinion on their book.

OP a full-time job, assuming you don't have kids, leaves a lot of spare time to proofread someone's book and still work on your projects. Evenings, weekends etc. You dont want to do it, ok, but dont pretend time is the issue, you just dont want to do it.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 05/06/2021 00:16

HalzTangz do you spend £800 on non significant birthday presents for your parents every year? Most people don't, especially if their parents are not the only important people in their lives.

HalzTangz · 05/06/2021 00:17

[quote Totallyrandomname]@HalzTangz what? Kids shouldn’t have to pay their parents back because they provided the basics they needed in childhood. Parents have responsibility to look after their children. That doesn’t mean their children are forever indebted to them and it certainly doesn’t mean their children owe them anything.[/quote]
Rubbish, it's not unreasonable to ask your kids to do something for you

butterry · 05/06/2021 00:19

I think he wants your input rather than someone else’s, so maybe it’s not about the money to him but that he values your opinion as a fellow writer? Couldn’t you do it but say it may well take you until his next birthday to finish? If you really don’t want to then just say so, phrase it that you don’t feel confident enough to do it to his high standards and it would be better to hire someone professional.

Original poster
Rae34 · 05/06/2021 00:20

@RoseGoldEagle

Glad you are ignoring the weirdly aggressive posts OP. I wouldn’t get emotional in your response, it unfortunately sounds like he quite likes getting a rise out of you if he’s behaved like this in the past. Stick to very short and sweet ‘Sorry Dad I just don’t have the time.’ And don’t give in to this. Was he quite controlling when you lived at home? Sounds like he’s still trying to exert that control the even though you’re not living with him. Suggest another birthday present instead and be pleasant but firm on this one!
@RoseGoldEagle I didn't really grow up with him. My parents divorced when I was young. Whenever we are together in one place for more than a few days, we begin to struggle. But we did get along well every other weekend we spent together.

He never used to be controlling but has become more controlling in recent years. He made a joke last year that he preferred me when I was a child - I really, really didn't like that comment. I took from that it was because I could just be directed back then, like a puppet.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 05/06/2021 00:20

@Rae34

At the moment my full time job is so consuming that I don't even have time to edit my own book. It is taking me forever. I am job hunting in the evenings. I have little energy and feel really down most days.

I think I am going to say 'I said before that I am unable to do this. Have you forgotten? I have neither the time nor the headspace and I am quite surprised that you think I do?'

and then make the offer of birthday dinner and what not. There is a part of the relationship that is dealing with his inability do respect my boundaries. That is the real problem.

Oh OP! It's getting you down and I can see why. He's taking no bloody notice of what you're saying! A grown man making such demands for his birthday, really!

How about saying to him -
Dad, to do your book justice, someone needs to spend proper time and attention proof reading it. As I've said, I have my own projects I need to focus on, and don't have the time or headspace to do a proper job on yours. So I'm sure you'll understand that I am saying^ no to this. I'd love to get you a birthday present or take you to dinner if you'd like, but proofreading your manuscript is not one of the options I'm actually offering. So, unless there's a gift you'd like me to buy you, where would you like to go to dinner?^

And next time, don't ask him or anyone what he'd like for his birthday, just buy him a box of chocs and have done with it.

Lysianthus · 05/06/2021 00:21

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UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 05/06/2021 00:21

LalalalalalaLand123 you don't know what proofreading involves if you think, as you write, that its being asked your opinion on a book.

frazzledasarock · 05/06/2021 00:22

I work full time, currently WFH and I just want to curl up in front of the tv or with a good book in the evenings. I spend the weekends running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get chores done and try and rest a bit.

I would not have time to do a second full time job for in between my normal full time job.

Obviously I’m presuming the book is actually novel length and not a ‘that’s not my tractor’ kind of book, and if it is the latter then it would be reasonable to do the proof reading.

HalzTangz · 05/06/2021 00:22

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

HalzTangz do you spend £800 on non significant birthday presents for your parents every year? Most people don't, especially if their parents are not the only important people in their lives.
Yes, week in week out, I care for my disabled DD so he can remain in his family home instead of paying £1000 a week car home fees. I also work full time, and have children. I wouldn't ever dream of saying no when my dad asks for help, and those that do are frankly selfish. Especially those that have basically said if you pay me I'll do it
Original poster
Rae34 · 05/06/2021 00:22

no @butterry when he said he wanted it as a present, he also said it would need to be finished in 2 months. So the summer...

OP posts:
Original poster
Rae34 · 05/06/2021 00:23

@HalzTangz Sorry but this is a completely different issue altogether, it isn't even comparable. Of course I will look after my parents when they are older.

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 05/06/2021 00:26

[quote Rae34]@HalzTangz Sorry but this is a completely different issue altogether, it isn't even comparable. Of course I will look after my parents when they are older.[/quote]
Of course it's comparable, my dad asks for help I give it without making excuses.

Your dad asks for help and you make excuses.

Doesn't matter what that 'help' is

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 05/06/2021 00:26

HalzTangz DD = darling daughter. I hope you're not supporting your elderly parents through proofreading or editing...

Lavender201 · 05/06/2021 00:26

@Warmduscher Well you could almost do it then.

Grin This made me chuckle. I think @Advic3Pl3as3 must be the dad.

This does sound like an unusual dynamic. But to take it down to bare bones- is it unreasonable for a parent to ask for an £800 gift from their grown-up child for their birthday, when the child has already said it’s not within their means? Yes it is.

If I were OP I would just ignore the request.

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