To think my father is totally selfish & demanding - how would you respond?

[Rae34]

I'm in my 20s, was always close to him growing up - we had a very good relationship until a few years ago when we became argumentative and nasty. I actually thought he might be ill for a while. About a year ago, it came to a head when I said if he didn't change, I would reconsider having a relationship at all. It was very hard for me. Things have improved a lot since then.

I recently asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he responded nothing more than a hug, a card and a day out with me - how nice, I thought. Now is the time to mention my dad and I are both writers and another important point is he is a complete cheapskate.

A few months ago he said he wanted me to proofread his new book, which is hundreds of pages long - as a favour, by the way - not paying me. I stated I would be unable to do this as I work full time & am really busy completing my own projects on the side. He wasn't happy but accepted it.

He has now contacted me again and said 'For my birthday I want you to proofread and edit my book.' Not even asking or enquiring, just this is what you have to do.

Right now I am job hunting (which feels like a second job) and trying to finish my own project. I do not want to do this. I already told him I would not do it. And here he is AGAIN, telling me to do it. AIBU to tell him where to go? He is not short of cash by the way - he could easily ask a proper editor to do this for him.

@Rae34

At the moment my full time job is so consuming that I don't even have time to edit my own book. It is taking me forever. I am job hunting in the evenings. I have little energy and feel really down most days.

I think I am going to say 'I said before that I am unable to do this. Have you forgotten? I have neither the time nor the headspace and I am quite surprised that you think I do?'

and then make the offer of birthday dinner and what not. There is a part of the relationship that is dealing with his inability do respect my boundaries. That is the real problem.

That's a very aggressive response. Fair enough if you can't/won't do it. I'd word it like a PP up thread.

I'm sorry but he has a ridiculous amount of money since coming into that inheritance. He could easily pay for this service.

I'm sickened that he wants to add something like this to my already full plate. I asked him before if he would pay me to do it and he said he wouldn't.

Of course you're not an arsehole. The people who think you're being unreasonable clearly have NO idea how much work is involved in proofreading a book. Even though people are literally telling them on this very thread.

Stick to your guns, you can do this. "Sorry but as I already said I don't have the time to do that."

"But I've already paid you"

No dad, you gave me my inheritance early, that's NOT the same thing.

Sorry, I still don't have the time.

But

No. I don't have the time.

Sorry, No.

Go for a big old dull broken record of Nope. It actually gets quite fun for you and sooner or later he will take the hint but you must be committed to your answer.

You are not unreasonable. You know this. So does he, which is why he's trying buillshit like telling you he has already paid you

So you do have time to do it if being paid?

proofreading a book is a present worth approximately £800. I know, I've done it (not as present).

Well someone hasn’t taken enough water with it tonight and it’s not the OP

@Warmduscher

Well someone hasn’t taken enough water with it tonight and it’s not the OP

Sorry I would also make time to go this for my dad. Maybe he values your opinion over someone else's. Maybe he wrote the book for you and wants you to read it.

I dunno, as a one off I personally would do it. If all it takes from you is time, but set your own deadline for when it would be completed. I’m in the creative industry and I’ve created many things for family for free, that took a good bit of time, while working full time in a stressful job, and having children to care for. I suppose I’m in the mindset if I can help out a family member I will. But if your mental health is bad and you’re not in the right frame of mind, don’t put yourself under that pressure, but explain to your dad why so he doesn’t think you’re being selfish.

Indeed.

Op sounds like you have a good understanding of your dad and how he can be manipulative.

Of course this is him attempting to cross your boundary by using manipulation (it’s what I want for my birthday) and emotional blackmail (I already paid in full).

I think it’s best to be direct as others have suggested. Tell him that, as you have already told him, you cannot help him in this instance as you simply don’t have the time. The money he gave you was gifted and if there wasn’t any agreement about the money at the time it’s too late for that to be put on now.

If this happens a lot I think you’ll need to think about how much contact you can have realistically.

I'm not even going to reply to the nasty keyboard warriors. They can exhaust their fingers spouting hate if they want.

Thanks @BillyTodd. For the last few years I have spent much of the relationship reasserting my boundaries because he can't accept a no. It has become hard going.

There you go @UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme has answered - £800 roughly to do this job.

Keep it simple and as unemotional as you can. 'Sorry Dad, I already said I couldn't proofread the book. Is there anything else you fancy or shall I just surprise you?' And then broken record if he won't accept it: 'as I said, I can't do that so I'll get you a surprise'.

There’s a good reason proofreading and editing costs so much. It is time consuming, and very mentally challenging. I think the negative comments you’ve received come from people who have absolutely no clue how difficult and skilled a task it is. You can’t give in to this, very unreasonable demand. But, I think either way your relationship is going to be damaged. He’ll be angry if you say no, and you’ll be angry if you say yes.

Sorry Dad, I can't do it - I could maybe look at doing it in XXX months ? Would that appease him ?

It was only a year ago I had the conversation with him @Totallyrandomname about potentially limiting contact between us - which to me is obviously the nuclear option.

It tends to go:

nice time together, boundary manipulation, nice time together, boundary manipulation - so the boundary stepping is sprinkled with nice times in between. I reckon it is to do with the way he was raised because his sibling is manipulative in a similar way.

[quote FangsForTheMemory]@Tippexy, you clearly have no idea how much work this involves. It’s potentially several weeks’ full-time slog. OP, if I were you I’d offer to help him find a freelance editor to do this, at most. He’s being completely unreasonable.[/quote]
Funnily enough, I used to be a proof reader. I still do it occasionally so know full well the work involved. I’d still do it.

@Amortentia

There’s a good reason proofreading and editing costs so much. It is time consuming, and very mentally challenging. I think the negative comments you’ve received come from people who have absolutely no clue how difficult and skilled a task it is. You can’t give in to this, very unreasonable demand. But, I think either way your relationship is going to be damaged. He’ll be angry if you say no, and you’ll be angry if you say yes.

exactly right. It is time-consuming and mentally challenging.

All you can do is tell him that you don't have the headspace and might miss something. I think you've got to get over your Dad's inheritance. He's set you up with a deposit, he's entitled to have and hold on to his money. As for his fall out with another relative, that's none of your business. It sounds as though you both need boundaries. Perhaps disentangle yourself and put some space between you for a while.

Advic3Pl3as3 not years, 16-20 hours. Before tax. Howmuch did you spend on your dad'sbirthday this year? £800 - £1000? Of course you did!

@Rae34

It was only a year ago I had the conversation with him *@Totallyrandomname* about potentially limiting contact between us - which to me is obviously the nuclear option.

It tends to go:

nice time together, boundary manipulation, nice time together, boundary manipulation - so the boundary stepping is sprinkled with nice times in between. I reckon it is to do with the way he was raised because his sibling is manipulative in a similar way.

Honestly I really related. My parents are both emotionalism manipulative and my dad is particularly crosses boundaries all the time (in various form including things like hugging too tight).

I wonder if maybe it’s hard for some people l, who haven’t experienced a parent attempting to control and manipulate everything you do l, to understand why this request might be such a big deal.

I once had to block my mum on everything and not talk to her for weeks because her control he got out of hand. It was the best thing I did and things have never got that bad again. Though I have developed ways to manage them (being direct and strong with my boundaries, calling out any lies or manipulation etc).