To think my father is totally selfish & demanding - how would you respond?

[Rae34]

I'm in my 20s, was always close to him growing up - we had a very good relationship until a few years ago when we became argumentative and nasty. I actually thought he might be ill for a while. About a year ago, it came to a head when I said if he didn't change, I would reconsider having a relationship at all. It was very hard for me. Things have improved a lot since then.

I recently asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he responded nothing more than a hug, a card and a day out with me - how nice, I thought. Now is the time to mention my dad and I are both writers and another important point is he is a complete cheapskate.

A few months ago he said he wanted me to proofread his new book, which is hundreds of pages long - as a favour, by the way - not paying me. I stated I would be unable to do this as I work full time & am really busy completing my own projects on the side. He wasn't happy but accepted it.

He has now contacted me again and said 'For my birthday I want you to proofread and edit my book.' Not even asking or enquiring, just this is what you have to do.

Right now I am job hunting (which feels like a second job) and trying to finish my own project. I do not want to do this. I already told him I would not do it. And here he is AGAIN, telling me to do it. AIBU to tell him where to go? He is not short of cash by the way - he could easily ask a proper editor to do this for him.

If your father is a professional writer who earns money from his work then he is just being a CF. Paying a proof reader is a tax deductable business expense as well he knows. Remind him of that.

A couple of years ago he came into his inheritance after my grandparent died and gave me a portion of it as 'early' inheritance to add to my savings to help me get on the property ladder.
You didn't try to test your boundaries by saying No to that

I'm not sure I see what the problem is. You asked him what he would like for his birthday. He told you he would like you to proofread his book as his present. That's not demanding that you do it! It was a request. Why can't you say "I wish I could, I would love to, but unfortunately I don't have the time right now."? Why the huge drama?

Given what you said about growing up maybe your reply should be no dad im sorry you are forcing me to make this clear. That’s only the kind of effort Id make for a dad who was there for me growing up.

@Anonymous48

I'm not sure I see what the problem is. You asked him what he would like for his birthday. He told you he would like you to proofread his book as his present. That's not demanding that you do it! It was a request. Why can't you say "I wish I could, I would love to, but unfortunately I don't have the time right now."? Why the huge drama?

Because she’s already said she can’t?that hasnt changed?

@Anonymous48

I'm not sure I see what the problem is. You asked him what he would like for his birthday. He told you he would like you to proofread his book as his present. That's not demanding that you do it! It was a request. Why can't you say "I wish I could, I would love to, but unfortunately I don't have the time right now."? Why the huge drama?

She has said that. Now he's asking again and telling her that he already paid when he gave her money a few years ago.

And to the people sayin that she would do it if paid - she has not said that. The OP said that he can afford to get it professionally proofed; she never said that she would then be the proofer.

This thread is showing why proofreading is needed....

The fact the OP is now accusing people on this thread of gaslighting her is quite revealing. Your dad sounds difficult but so do you.

You asked him if he’d pay you so presumably it’s not a case that you CAN’T do it as you keep claiming, but just that you don’t want to. You even admit in the main post that you just don’t want to.

If that were my dad, I’d do it - but I was very close to my dad. You’ve also got 2 months which is lots of time. But I would have warned him that I’m not confident in the quality of the results and he really should get a pro editor because I might miss things. Or at the very least beta readers.

Ultimately though if your relationship is problematic and you don’t want to do it, just say no. It doesn’t need to be a huge issue, just push back and say no again. You have the right to refuse and that’s entirely your choice. You don’t need to come up with excuses. It’s up to him if he gets the hump with your answer.

For full disclosure, I’ve been working as a freelance writer/proofreader/editor for around 11 years.

Could you not go back and say something like I'm a bit busy at the moment but will do it when I've got time. Churn that line out every time he brings it up and until you genuinely have free time

@TheLeadbetterLife
way easier proofreading a novel

@Lavender201
fixing plot holes, grammatical mistakes, comments on tone, suggestions about changing the structure, and fact-checking

all way easier and very subjective.

He wants his kid to read his novel and wants her to be proud of it.

Reading it is not the same as proofing it.

Asking her to read it and comment, because he respected her professional opinion, would be a perfectly reasonable request.

@lighteincastlewindow

He wants his kid to read his novel and wants her to be proud of it.

OP hasn't said it's a novel. She's also clearly stated several times that he wants it meticulously proofed, not just read and reviewed.

Your reading comprehension is a little weak, considering your rarefied skills.

I'm wondering if you are being a little unfair to your Dad. Not because you don't have time to proof read his novel but in judging his motives rather harshly.

As a pp has said maybe he is keen for you to do the proof reading because he respects your opinion. Perhaps if you just offer to give it a once over and tell him what you think, it would mean a lot to him.

With regard to the job-hunting, I find many people completely underestimate the time you have to spend job hunting these days. A few years ago, the local paper would come out on a Friday, you'd look in that for any jobs you were interested in, fire off an application by post and wait to hear. You wouldn't be able to do much else until next week's paper came out. Your Dad may be hopelessly out of touch with how time consuming job hunting is these days.

Maybe he is just being tight and manipulative or maybe he is proud that you are a writer too and wants you to relate to him from a position of mutual respect.

@TheLeadbetterLife Jesus, he wants her approval, it's not hard to proofread for grammar be it 500 pages, he wants her to see what he has written. Maybe she is in competition with him? Maybe she doesn't like him, maybe she is too self-involved, maybe he is a complete pain in the backside. But OP needs to figure which it is and get on with it and be honest with herself. and then him.

@Tippexy

I would proofread it. I think you’re being unfair.

This smacks of someone who has absolutely no understanding the time and cost of proofreading a book.

The OP's dad would pay someone thousands for this service

oh my writers have a bit of a chip.

@WindowsSmindows

Why this talk about "boundaries" He's previously asked for something, you said no Then recently, because it's his birthday, he's asked again. Why is that not just a variation of normal? Why is this anything to do with your boundaries? The rest of the world tolerates people asking them twice, why can't you? You are only 20 (please stop going on about working full time, as if that's noteworthy,why wouldn't you work full time) and he gave you enough money to get on the property ladder and all you're willing to do is a card and a hug. Selfish.

Are you the OP's dad?

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Nobody is an arsehole, but the OP could do it for her dad. I wouldn't charge my dad for doing me favour.

🤔?

DRAMA LLAMA!!!!!

OMG says the person practically crying over a stranger not getting a present he wanted 🤣🤣🤣

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop At least you are not my kid 😌

My interpretation of the ‘will you pay me convo’ wasn’t because op would suddenly have the expertise and time. Rather to gauge his reaction and motives.

Several ways to tackle this - options include:

• roll over and proof read
• say you will make time to read it and try to point out any obvious mistakes but don’t have the time / expertise to fully proof the manuscript
• stuck record no and not allow yourself to be drawn into discussion (such as the convo about payment)
• period of low / no contact to assert your boundaries