To think my father is totally selfish & demanding - how would you respond?

[Rae34]

I'm in my 20s, was always close to him growing up - we had a very good relationship until a few years ago when we became argumentative and nasty. I actually thought he might be ill for a while. About a year ago, it came to a head when I said if he didn't change, I would reconsider having a relationship at all. It was very hard for me. Things have improved a lot since then.

I recently asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he responded nothing more than a hug, a card and a day out with me - how nice, I thought. Now is the time to mention my dad and I are both writers and another important point is he is a complete cheapskate.

A few months ago he said he wanted me to proofread his new book, which is hundreds of pages long - as a favour, by the way - not paying me. I stated I would be unable to do this as I work full time & am really busy completing my own projects on the side. He wasn't happy but accepted it.

He has now contacted me again and said 'For my birthday I want you to proofread and edit my book.' Not even asking or enquiring, just this is what you have to do.

Right now I am job hunting (which feels like a second job) and trying to finish my own project. I do not want to do this. I already told him I would not do it. And here he is AGAIN, telling me to do it. AIBU to tell him where to go? He is not short of cash by the way - he could easily ask a proper editor to do this for him.

Quite frankly, there's something extremely childish about a man his age being bothered about his birthday anyway. Does he invest as much time and effort into yours? An equivalent task would be decorating the entire inside and outside of your house.

What he wants is for his daughter to spend hours reading his words and being amazed by how wonderful and clever he is
She should agree to it and then a week later send him an email saying 'I read it and it was shiite'
He sounds like a controlling arrogant person

He doesn't like the idea of his daughter writing her own book because she might outshine him in some way, he's tried to set her a task which will use up her time so that she can't invest in herself

This thread is completely bonkers. I'm a writer and even going through my editor's notes takes hours. Actually editing a novel is as big a job as writing it in the first place. There are several levels to it - making sure that the whole thing works as a story (which could involve extensive rewriting), picking up errors and inconsistencies, line editing to make the writing flow, picking up on repetition, clunky use of language etc. I've just started the main edit of a project and I expect to be working on it for the next couple of months. I'm assuming the OP's father isn't expecting her to do that type of editing - turning a first draft into a polished manuscript that could be submitted is usually done by the writer - but even the copy editing and line editing of a full-length novel will involve hours of time and a huge amount of focus.

Proofreading is a whole other matter. It's a skilled job and, again, involves a high level of focus and concentration. My last book was published by one of the big houses, and went through several layers of editing and proofreading, but a couple of errors still slipped through. It's not just reading something quickly and giving an opinion, as several people on this thread seem to believe. I'm considering becoming a hybrid author, and while I'm happy to do all my own editing on anything I self-publish, I'll be outsourcing the proofreading to someone who actually has the skills to do it. From the OP's description of her father, I can't imagine he's the kind to shrug and think 'oh well, she did it for free' if reviewers start mentioning all the typos and errors in his book.

And yes to what a PP said about the pitfalls of editing for someone you know. I've been involved with multiple critique groups and it is not unusual for someone to either take huge offence at polite and accurate feedback or to argue every issue to the point where the whole exchange becomes unmanageable. I've done a fair bit of editing and I would never do it where there was an even slightly prickly relationship.

Yes, kungfupannda. In fact I suspect the dad has given her a deadline of two months because he is fully aware that's it a job that would take at least two months.

... but it would be so mean of the OP not to undertake two months of unpaid work for her DF, after all it's his BIRTHDAY!

Only kidding

Could you pay for another professional to edit and proof read it?
As his gift?

imnotcrazy, people on the thread have already suggested that she could make a monetary donation to the cost if she wanted to. But depending on much editing the book needs, costs could run up to £1-2k. Certainly hundreds of pounds. More than someone in her 20s should think of spending on a parent's birthday present.

[quote Tippexy]**@knittingaddict* @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop* Unfortunately for your narrative, I used to be a full time proofreader, and I still do occasional commissions now. I know full well the time it takes.

And yet if I were OP, I would still do it for her father, for his birthday.[/quote]
But you don't claim to be a proofreader and editor, and the difference is very significant. Editing involves many more responsibilities than proofreading.

It's like asking a photographer "photograph and edit my entire wedding for free", a developer "build me a website for my business", a decorator "paint my house" - no.

Or to a surgeon, "Take out my appendix."

I think that some people on this thread think that proofreading and editing are akin to a leisurely read of a novel with a cup of tea on a Sunday afternoon. It's nothing like that. It's hard work that requires a high level of skill and degrees of concentration that are mentally and physically taxing.

Good luck, OP. I don't think you are being unreasonable, and I hope you can come to some understanding with your father that spares you his unreasonable request and still leaves your relationship with him intact.

Isn't the way some posters reacting so typical though? A woman must always have the time to do what a man wants them to do...the whole concept of that not being so seems difficult for them to understand...

My father preferred us when we were little...the minute my older brother turned 10, he started becoming distant and uninterested in us. We were starting to have personalities and preferences of our own, and he didn't like it.

'I have already said I can't do this' is a perfectly acceptable response. You don't have to justify your refusal, either.

@HollowTalk

Quite frankly, there's something extremely childish about a man his age being bothered about his birthday anyway. Does he invest as much time and effort into yours? An equivalent task would be decorating the entire inside and outside of your house.

He isn't bothered about his birthday. That is why he said he only wanted a card and a hug at first. As noted by a PP above, this is emotional manipulation to get me to do it.

@QioiioiioQ I don't know if he would consciously not want me to have my own successes - I would hope that isn't the case. But he IS asking me to put my own book aside, which I barely have time for as it is in addition to my job and searching for a different job.

Another PP (sorry I can't remember who) mentioned the unpaid female labour women take on of being the person that does this work for free. You are right - a woman previously did this for him, for free. He is saying put aside your own book and focus on mine instead. That is what matters. I find it very selfishness.

Thanks for all the (good) advice. I will respond to him later.

*I find it very selfish . I should add a typo to my response to convey why I'm not the right person for the job - ha!

I'll proofread his book for him but not for free! Why don't you work out how long it would reasonably take you to do it, then multiply that number by what your hourly rate is. If that's more than you would normally spend on a present for him, then tell him the reason why you can't be expected to comply with that request, as his present. As an established author, he must have had to pay proofreaders before.

@Rae34

this is the other thing *@ThuggeryAffair*. A couple of years ago he came into his inheritance after my grandparent died and gave me a portion of it as 'early' inheritance to add to my savings to help me get on the property ladder. I was grateful.

When I said no to proofreading the book, he replied he had ALREADY PAID ME IN FULL. If that were the case, I wouldn't still have to work full time although I appreciated the help I received at the time. It seems now like that wasn't gifted but given as an 'I'll scratch your back if'

OP, seeing that your father is stingy and controlling, I wonder whether this is an indirect threat that if you do not do all these things he wants you to do for free, you won't be seeing the rest of the inheritance even on his death.

You may not be expecting to inherit anyway but just something to think about.

The issue here is you still want to maintain a nice,decent relationship with him. Sadly, no matter how nice and polite your refusal is, you can't control his reaction.

You can try " Hi dad, as I've told you before, I simply do not have the time to do this with all the other stuff I have going on. I don't want to risk not doing it justice or making mistakes because I'm rushed off my feet, especially since it's so important to you. It wouldn't be fair on you or on me to commit to something I know I can't possibly do well at the moment. I look forward to spend a day with you on your birthday, what did you have in mind?"

It's very wishy washy and naaaaaice, and totally not my style but he would have a very hard time to be a dick about it. If he is anyways, well that tells you all you need to know about him and how he views you.

@Tippexy

You asked him what he’s like for his birthday. He said, can you proofread his book… 🤷🏽

It’s not exactly ‘unfair and demanding,’ is it?

Did you not read the OP. She already told him she didn't have time to do it. If I asked a friend 'what do you want for your birthday' and she said 'for my birthday I want you to provide full time childcare for my 3 kids over the summer holiday' I'd find it rather demanding.

I like how so many people who have no idea who the OP or her father are somehow know far more about his character than his own daughter. You see what he really meant was... what he just wants you to do is... the reason he asked... you're just assuming...

It's her father ffs. She knows what he's like.

OP,

I cannot believe some of the ridiculously ignorant responses you have received.

Your father sounds like a Class A bullying asshole and I would suggest historically a part of your MH challenges.

He has zero respect for you or your career and is determined to bully you into what he wants.

You need to focus on YOUR work.
End of.

Postponing the birthday meet up might be an idea if he insists on continuing acting the prick.

You do NOT need his demandind drama in your life as you try to finish your book.

I sincerely applaud your efforts to place firm boundaries between you.

Well done you.
This was not easy to do.

Unsurprisingly with men like your father, who have zero respect for you and your boundaries, he sees them as a challenge and will continually bring stress to your life.

My advice would be pull back, take space, finish YOUR work and see how you feel afterwards.

Do not allow him the power to compromise your MH at this time.

@Rae34

*I find it very selfish . I should add a typo to my response to convey why I'm not the right person for the job - ha!

I like that idea!

I think the vast majority of the people saying to do it anyway don't understand how much work they're talking about, work that requires a lot of concentration and is pretty boring. Even if it's just proofreading, it'll take hours to proofread a novel-length work - say, 90k words? And assuming it's not a final, polished draft in a subject you're familiar with, I think you're looking at probably at least half an hour per 1000 words, so about 45 hours of solid work. Even at minimum wage, that's about 400 quid, plus the opportunity cost of not being able to do anything else in that working week. (I know that's not how proofreading pricing works, but it gives an idea of the scale for everyone saying why not just do it anyway...)

Editing is yet more work, and it can be hard to provide tactful, diplomatic feedback when there's a professional, neutral relationship with the author. In the OP's case, it would inevitably be disastrous and a total waste of time, because he wouldn't listen to her feedback anyway.

OP, I reckon the best way out would be to tell him you can't do a proper job with everything else you have on, and his work deserves professional attention, but you'd be happy to help him find someone if he'd like. And then post him a birthday card.

Good for you, @Rae34. Your father is being completely unreasonable. Good for you for enforcing your boundaries. And very best of luck with your own book!

@quizqueen

I'll proofread his book for him but not for free! Why don't you work out how long it would reasonably take you to do it, then multiply that number by what your hourly rate is. If that's more than you would normally spend on a present for him, then tell him the reason why you can't be expected to comply with that request, as his present. As an established author, he must have had to pay proofreaders before.

He wouldn't have paid for proofreaders if he's been traditionally published. But he would know it's a job in itself and that editing a novel isn't something that can be done in an afternoon. He's just self-absorbed and mean - a really bad combination.

@Tippexy

@knittingaddict @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop Unfortunately for your narrative, I used to be a full time proofreader, and I still do occasional commissions now. I know full well the time it takes.

And yet if I were OP, I would still do it for her father, for his birthday.*

Just because you would be prepared to do it for your father doesn't mean OP needs to do it for her dad. Op's schedule is different from yours and she has a completely different dad and a different relationship with him than you do with your dad. I might be prepared to send my mum on a 5 star cruise for her birthday doesn't mean your mum can demand you do the same.

@Rae34

I'm not even going to reply to the nasty keyboard warriors. They can exhaust their fingers spouting hate if they want.

Thanks @BillyTodd. For the last few years I have spent much of the relationship reasserting my boundaries because he can't accept a no. It has become hard going.

There you go @UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme has answered - £800 roughly to do this job.

I don't know about spouting hate, I think some people just disagree with you.

You asked him what he would like and he's asked you for this. Unless there is a massive backstory of him being unreasonable, from what you have written here, I think that yes, YABU. Having your child proofread your book sounds a lovely, mutually respectful thing.

@MrMucker

Well you say you are a writer yet you've missed something important to really good writers, that being given a book to proof read is an opportunity, a seriously good way to professionally develop. The skill of proofreading is good for your own writing. You come across as angry and entitled, and your unwillingness to help your father comes over as controlling and unappreciative. You could have proof read a chapter or two in the time you have invested in this thread, for example. It's not about your commitments, it is about your resentment.

Mm, I'll bear this in mind whenever I want to blag a freebie off someone. "But I'm not asking for ME, I'm trying to help you to develop your skills and experience! You could have started [building my extension/making my wedding cake/given me a week's free childcare] in the time you've spent repeatedly telling me no!"