To think my father is totally selfish & demanding - how would you respond?

[Rae34]

I'm in my 20s, was always close to him growing up - we had a very good relationship until a few years ago when we became argumentative and nasty. I actually thought he might be ill for a while. About a year ago, it came to a head when I said if he didn't change, I would reconsider having a relationship at all. It was very hard for me. Things have improved a lot since then.

I recently asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he responded nothing more than a hug, a card and a day out with me - how nice, I thought. Now is the time to mention my dad and I are both writers and another important point is he is a complete cheapskate.

A few months ago he said he wanted me to proofread his new book, which is hundreds of pages long - as a favour, by the way - not paying me. I stated I would be unable to do this as I work full time & am really busy completing my own projects on the side. He wasn't happy but accepted it.

He has now contacted me again and said 'For my birthday I want you to proofread and edit my book.' Not even asking or enquiring, just this is what you have to do.

Right now I am job hunting (which feels like a second job) and trying to finish my own project. I do not want to do this. I already told him I would not do it. And here he is AGAIN, telling me to do it. AIBU to tell him where to go? He is not short of cash by the way - he could easily ask a proper editor to do this for him.

So you've got time to do it if he pays you, but no time to do it if he doesnt?

@HalzTangz well considering it's a job that will take several days (as in 9am-5pm working days) or even weeks then I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect the OP to be paid for her time.

I'm pretty sure AdvicePlease (can't be fagged with the numbers) is trolling.

Oh and no one owes their parent anything for not neglecting them, FYI. No one gets kudos for feeding their children

I know full well what proofreading involves, and I would definitely do that for my dad; I'd do it for a good friend too. I'd be honoured to be asked for my opinion on their book.

If you think proofreading is "giving an opinion on a book" then you don't actually "know full well" what it involves

Proofreading takes about 1 hour for 1-5 pages. It's 2-3 weeks full time work for a small piece.

Copy-editing takes more than twice as long.

It's at least a couple of hundreds of pounds worth of work.

I wouldn't ever dream of saying no when my dad asks for help, and those that do are frankly selfish

Ugh I hate it when people come on who have no idea what it's like to have a toxic parent, and call others selfish for not dedicating every spare seconds of their life to them. It's SO narrow minded.

I'd love to know your limits @HalzTangz - do you say yes to everything? What if your dad wanted £5,000 from you, or for you to quit your job, or to go in a home and have you pay the £1,000 a week fees? What if he wanted you to source a Latvian prostitute to live in the spare room for his pleasure? I hope you don't say no because - by YOUR standards - that's sElFIsh doncha know!

[quote lighteincastlewindow]@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Nobody is an arsehole, but the OP could do it for her dad. I wouldn't charge my dad for doing me favour.[/quote]
Like building you an ensuite extension? You’d just do that? Cos he asked?

Luckily my dad is a rational loving man and does ask favours related to my job but reasonable ones - ‘hey time what are your thoughts on this? No worries if you’re busy’.

[quote Rae34]@HalzTangz Sorry but this is a completely different issue altogether, it isn't even comparable. Of course I will look after my parents when they are older.[/quote]
God @HalzTangz would HATE me, my dad died young but I am no way looking after my mother when she's older. Not even considering it

Daily rate of £100-300+
£20-40 per 1000 words depending on how badly written it is.

Minimum rate of £25 per hour

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop a thread that got too heated; it doesn't matter, I'd do it for my dad, appreciate everybody has a different family and would not ever do the same; for valid reasons. Goodnight and take care.

@lighteincastlewindow

He wants his kid to read his novel and wants her to be proud of it.

Bollocks.

He wants a freebie

@lighteincastlewindow

oh my writers have a bit of a chip.

Oh I love a good ironic comment. You seem very upset that proofreading a novel is generally considered just as hard as what you proof/read

[quote lighteincastlewindow]@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Nobody is an arsehole, but the OP could do it for her dad. I wouldn't charge my dad for doing me favour.[/quote]
A £1,000 favour? That takes up several days and hours of your time? That is mentally quite draining and technically challenging?

If that's true (I suspect it isn't) then you're the exception and you surely must see the rule is that most people don't have time for that?

[quote lighteincastlewindow]@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop At least you are not my kid 😌[/quote]
Oh I am sobbing into my pillow right now at the thought of you not being my mother 😂😂

@timeisnotaline

reread the post, jesus Christ, I can't help you 🥴

[quote lighteincastlewindow]@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop a thread that got too heated; it doesn't matter, I'd do it for my dad, appreciate everybody has a different family and would not ever do the same; for valid reasons. Goodnight and take care.[/quote]
You'd do several weeks free and expensive work for your dad - ok...but do you realise is perfectly ok to expect others NOT to do the same? Can you expand your mind to accept others don't have the time/relationships/mental capacity like you do? Or do you think everyone is the same as you? If not, then why are you berating the OP?

I'm pretty sure my kids would be happy knowing that I wouldn't put such huge demands on their time when they are adults. Feel sorry for some of your kids if that's what you're expecting in the future.

Why not offer an exchange of service? It isn't a good idea to proofread your own book so you could ask him to proofread yours while you spend the time you would be proofreading your own book working on his.

Or you just tell him that you don't want to.

I think asking for payment just muddied the waters.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop I love a good ironic comment. You seem very upset that proofreading a novel is generally considered just as hard as what you proof/read

It's not even a patch on it and that's why everyone is upset. Waiting for a writers withering comment, not getting it, you've had hours now? Jack in that job, maybe it is time to let go 🥴😂

OP, I don't like the sound of your dad. He sounds emotionally manipulative, plays mind games and is not shy to lay on the guilt trip whilst being tightfisted as fuck. I don't want to proof read no book. The last thing I want to do at the end of a draining day is read someone else's ramblings, correct their spelling and punctuation and try to make sense of it. Maybe his work is high quality but maybe not. There is a reason why there are professional proofreaders and why they get paid. £800 is not enough, if you ask me.

You have no head space for this. Best to distance.

@lighteincastlewindow

I'm a teacher I just happen to know things outside of my scope funnily enough.

How many novels have you professionally proof read then?

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop Feel sorry for some of your kids if that's what you're expecting in the future.

Are you drinking?

@lighteincastlewindow why would I be drinking?

Some people here think that adult children should do everything their parents ask of them.

I therefore feel sorry for their kids.

If you don't see the connection, I really can't help you.

Also not sure you're as clever as you think you are.

a teacher excellent, therefore a brilliant writer, excuse my ignorance.... FFS