To think my father is totally selfish & demanding - how would you respond?

[Rae34]

I'm in my 20s, was always close to him growing up - we had a very good relationship until a few years ago when we became argumentative and nasty. I actually thought he might be ill for a while. About a year ago, it came to a head when I said if he didn't change, I would reconsider having a relationship at all. It was very hard for me. Things have improved a lot since then.

I recently asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he responded nothing more than a hug, a card and a day out with me - how nice, I thought. Now is the time to mention my dad and I are both writers and another important point is he is a complete cheapskate.

A few months ago he said he wanted me to proofread his new book, which is hundreds of pages long - as a favour, by the way - not paying me. I stated I would be unable to do this as I work full time & am really busy completing my own projects on the side. He wasn't happy but accepted it.

He has now contacted me again and said 'For my birthday I want you to proofread and edit my book.' Not even asking or enquiring, just this is what you have to do.

Right now I am job hunting (which feels like a second job) and trying to finish my own project. I do not want to do this. I already told him I would not do it. And here he is AGAIN, telling me to do it. AIBU to tell him where to go? He is not short of cash by the way - he could easily ask a proper editor to do this for him.

Give him a fiver towards a proofreader, inside a nice card of course 😇

Of course you're not an arsehole. The people who think you're being unreasonable clearly have NO idea how much work is involved in proofreading a book. Even though people are literally telling them on this very thread.

I peer review scientific papers and have to check every single reference (eg up to 150 papers and the data and the way the data is quoted, it's robustness, it's validity as described - hours and hours, not to mention plagiarism and fact checking), proofreading a book based on scientific /medical research is indeed a professional task that needs to be paid for. Is his book something like this? If not, I think he is really asking you as his daughter to read his book and give a general opinion. I would do that for my dad.

@Warmduscher

I would say “Sorry, but as I said before, I just don’t have that sort of spare time. I would love to go with your original suggestion and can’t wait to choose somewhere we can go to spend the day together”.

This ^^

It's a birthday present, he doesn't get to dictate what you gift him.

Arrange an afternoon out somewhere nice, give him a card and a hug and if he goes on about editing snd proof reading his book, remind him that you simply don't have time to take in a large private project like that and had already told him that.

Is " Sorry it's a no. It will be no if you ask me another 10 times still, you need to find an independent editor & proof reader"

He's overshot what he expects and has asked for. It's his birthday , we all get one of those each year...

@Lysianthus

Yes. Thank you for your concern.

He doesn't need help👀
OP has already said he has plenty of money🤷‍♀️

He is probably proud of his work and wants someone close to him to acknowledge it. That is all this is probably about.

You're not the arsehole and you're not being unreasonable OP. He's taking the piss and being a manipulative cheapskate. He also clearly doesn't value your time enough to pay you.

My mother might ask me to do things that are within my professional bailiwick, but if it was something that would take a significant amount of time she would certainly offer to pay me.

Working for free is a mug's game and any reasonable, non-manipulative person would treat your skills with the respect they deserve.

I find some of the replies really weird. I have said 'I don't have the time or mental headspace to do this thing' - then lots of PPs have come on, effectively saying 'oh but you CAN do it, you just won't' - like I'm lying about not being able. Gaslighting behaviour imo.

It isn't about what YOU could personally do. I can't do it - can you not empathise with that? He isn't asking me to read and give an opinion. He is asking for me to go through it meticulously. To be perfectly honest, I don't even have experience in his genre - I am not even the best person to do this job by a long shot.

@lighteincastlewindow

Of course you're not an arsehole. The people who think you're being unreasonable clearly have NO idea how much work is involved in proofreading a book. Even though people are literally telling them on this very thread.

I peer review scientific papers and have to check every single reference (eg up to 150 papers and the data and the way the data is quoted, it's robustness, it's validity as described - hours and hours, not to mention plagiarism and fact checking), proofreading a book based on scientific /medical research is indeed a professional task that needs to be paid for. Is his book something like this? If not, I think he is really asking you as his daughter to read his book and give a general opinion. I would do that for my dad.

Sure, reading it and giving a general opinion, that's all that's involved in non-scientific proofreading.

Jesus.

@Rae34

I find some of the replies really weird. I have said 'I don't have the time or mental headspace to do this thing' - then lots of PPs have come on, effectively saying 'oh but you CAN do it, you just won't' - like I'm lying about not being able. Gaslighting behaviour imo.

It isn't about what YOU could personally do. I can't do it - can you not empathise with that? He isn't asking me to read and give an opinion. He is asking for me to go through it meticulously. To be perfectly honest, I don't even have experience in his genre - I am not even the best person to do this job by a long shot.

The replies are very weird indeed. I can only assume people just don't know what proofreading is.

lighteincastlewindow could you be more condescending? proofreading outside your disciplineis not less demanding just because you personally couldn't do it!

His request is obviously totally unreasonable. You would never request an £800 present from him.

Controlling men often struggle with their daughters once they become young women. Children have to do as they are told but a young woman can have her own opinions and won’t always do as you say.

@lighteincastlewindow Just because it’s fiction and not a scientific journal article doesn’t mean it’s just “giving a general opinion”. He hasn’t asked for a one-paragraph Amazon review, he’s asked for proofreading of the whole novel.

I know nothing about proofreading at all, and even I can guess that proofreading a novel would involve finding and fixing plot holes, grammatical mistakes, comments on tone, suggestions about changing the structure, and fact-checking (could be scientific/historical depending on the genre).

I can’t believe some of these replies. I don’t really believe that so many people on this thread, if asked by a parent to professionally proofread a whole novel with a two-month deadline, would just say “yep sure.”

I was recently asked to proofread the PhD thesis of a friend of a friend's girlfriend as a favour. No. Friend of a friend blanks us. Oh well. That's a favotof the same magnitude as "yourcat is 6 years old, although you bought it new, have a full service history and it's in good condition - give it to me as a present."

...

Those who are criticizing you have no idea the effort it takes to properly proof-read a manuscript. It is DAYS and DAYS of highly skilled work. You aren't wrong to say no. He is unreasonable.

Your car

Should proofread my own posts, but you know, nobody is paying me to...

*Sure, reading it and giving a general opinion, that's all that's involved in non-scientific proofreading.

Jesus.*

Eh? That's not what proofreading or editing is. This is not about giving a book a quick glance and giving a bit of feedback on the contents or context.
He's asking for something significantly more, that takes time, and focus.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

I was recently asked to proofread the PhD thesis of a friend of a friend's girlfriend as a favour. No. Friend of a friend blanks us. Oh well. That's a favotof the same magnitude as "yourcat is 6 years old, although you bought it new, have a full service history and it's in good condition - give it to me as a present."

...

What a cheek. It can cost thousands to proofread a phd thesis. I'm dyslexic so fortunately have received a disabled allowance to pay for it. I fully appreciate how much time and work this job takes.

Some of the toxic and utterly nasty responses on this thread are insane. As others have mentioned, proofreading an entire book takes quite a lot of time and is not some quick task. It really is entirely disproportionate to ask for this as a present!

@Amortentia

*Sure, reading it and giving a general opinion, that's all that's involved in non-scientific proofreading.

Jesus.*

Eh? That's not what proofreading or editing is. This is not about giving a book a quick glance and giving a bit of feedback on the contents or context.
He's asking for something significantly more, that takes time, and focus.

I know, I was being sarcastic. The pp I quoted seemed to think non-scientific editing amounts to little more than a primary school book review.

The mistake you made was posting it in AIBU. There are so many complete idiots on this thread. You should repost in relationships where you will get some help in dealing with a very difficult father.

I'd just say "Ha ha, don't go all King Lear on me Dad. I haven't got time to proofread your book" Get him a bottle of wine and a pair of socks.

Someone has said that this is a service that would usually cost £800. How many posters on this thread would think it reasonable for someone to demand an £800 item when asked what they'd like? It's unreasonable, even if the OP hadn't said no to it.

I know, I was being sarcastic. The pp I quoted seemed to think non-scientific editing amounts to little more than a primary school book review

Apologies 😂. Some of the replies to this thread are mind blowingly mental.

Say I have already said no to this, don’t ask again. How about x for day out?

Be as direct as you can, he will have nowhere to go from there & don’t explain you have already done that. It’s perfectly acceptable to say no.