To think my father is totally selfish & demanding - how would you respond?

[Rae34]

I'm in my 20s, was always close to him growing up - we had a very good relationship until a few years ago when we became argumentative and nasty. I actually thought he might be ill for a while. About a year ago, it came to a head when I said if he didn't change, I would reconsider having a relationship at all. It was very hard for me. Things have improved a lot since then.

I recently asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he responded nothing more than a hug, a card and a day out with me - how nice, I thought. Now is the time to mention my dad and I are both writers and another important point is he is a complete cheapskate.

A few months ago he said he wanted me to proofread his new book, which is hundreds of pages long - as a favour, by the way - not paying me. I stated I would be unable to do this as I work full time & am really busy completing my own projects on the side. He wasn't happy but accepted it.

He has now contacted me again and said 'For my birthday I want you to proofread and edit my book.' Not even asking or enquiring, just this is what you have to do.

Right now I am job hunting (which feels like a second job) and trying to finish my own project. I do not want to do this. I already told him I would not do it. And here he is AGAIN, telling me to do it. AIBU to tell him where to go? He is not short of cash by the way - he could easily ask a proper editor to do this for him.

@Rae34

*I find it very selfish . I should add a typo to my response to convey why I'm not the right person for the job - ha!

Awful idea.

You must agree to proofread it, then do 'Find and Replace' as follows:

'It's' for 'its' (and vice versa)
'Should/could/would of' for 'Should etc have'
Change 'S/he said' to 'S/he grinned/chortled/screamed/declaimed'
Randomly copy and paste in some choice paragraphs from the 'Bad Sex in Fiction' awards.
Add a final line to the end: 'And then [main character] woke up and realised it was all a dream.'

He's said he preferred you when you were younger - more malleable - and now you've the cheek to be successful in his profession. Tight sod can pay for his own proofreading. He should be encouraging you to complete yours not sabotage your available time. Buy him an Artist's and Writers Yearbook for his birthday present ( if they're still going!) and a card. Cont. saying no.

I'm sympathetic but I wonder if you need to see it in those terms. You talk of boundaries. He is probably wanting you to read it. Perhaps he really wants your opinion not just that of an outside editor. He also gave you some money so maybe feels a bit annoyed if you are saying he's not paying you etc. Perhaps you need to take a step back and reframe it for yourself and then try something like people suggested above along the lines of I really don't have the time and concentration to do a good job for you on this. Also perhaps it's not the best idea for family to do this role anyway. But I would love to read it in due course. Can I contribute to getting an editor as part of your birthday present?

It's hard with people who know how to press our buttons but perhaps he wants interest and acknowledgement from you rather than a free editor. And perhaps you want acknowledgement from him in terms of wanting to achieve your project and the fact you don't have a lot of time and feel stressed about that. Perhaps you also want acknowledgement for your dreams and ambitions separate from him and don't want to get pulled into his project as opposed to being seen for your own projects. I totally get this if so.

You have so much in common, it seems to me with better communication the pair of you could understand each other and be supportive rather than getting cross or offended. I offer this knowing I know nothing about the background so apologies if that is wide of the mark. Good luck with your own project OP! It is brilliant that you are pursuing your talents and dreams.

YANBU.

I would tell him that I expect it would take 20 hours to complete and therefore you expect to have it back to him no sooner than 20 weeks, more when and if you get a new job.