To not understand why people doubt male bisexuality?

[zenithfreedom]

Bisexuality is ironically stigmatized not just amongst some straight people but in LGBT circle. It's common for people to believe "bi woman are really just straight and bi men are just gay".

But when it comes to males and being attracted to both genders, many people doubt it. I recently thought about this as my workmate has a boyfriend who she was discussing is bi and she was a bit wary of that but accepted it. Most other girls said that he's deluding himself and it's only a matter of time before he starts shagging other guys/looking for them on Grindr.

I think that the reason why there are less bisexual men anecdotally and by statistics isn't because it's less common but rather the stigma.
In actual fact, I would have thought that bisexuality would be more common in males, the reason being is that men have a higher sex drive and are overrepresented in paraphilias and fetishes compared to women. So wouldn't men be more likely to have sex with their gender than women.

ah, cross-posted with ghostyslovesheets there

I know a bi man who's been with his female partner for nearly 30 years. (I don't actually know whether they're monogamous) Not married, originally on principle, but committed to raising their children together.

As a bi woman I have no "place" in any lgbt group and have consistently been made unwelcome when at uni and in employment groups etc . I'd be more welcome saying I was a straight ally. So I just don't engage. Hence I married a man, because it limited my dating pool, hence they all think they were right all along. Bi is definitely treated as bs

My ex was a bi man. He's with two women right now (nearly 50) but he'll not end up with anyone.

@TentTalk

I'm bisexual and honestly, the biphobia is awful. I was very much ostracised by lesbians and straight people.

As a bisexual person what are your thoughts on pansexuality? I've heard from quite a few bisexual people I know that they think it's pretty offensive to them and basically saying bisexuality is the bigoted version of pansexuality

@3scape

As a bi woman I have no "place" in any lgbt group and have consistently been made unwelcome when at uni and in employment groups etc . I'd be more welcome saying I was a straight ally. So I just don't engage. Hence I married a man, because it limited my dating pool, hence they all think they were right all along. Bi is definitely treated as bs

The LGBTQIA i’ve been trying to be part of, have all had problems.

Misogyny is rife.
Lesbophobia, biphobia, aphobia.... etc.
Plenty of racism.

My best friend is a gay man and he won’t go out with bisexual men because he thinks they’re actually gay and too afraid to admit it. He thinks they’re cowardly and think saying they’re bisexual is more acceptable because at least they still like girls a bit. I disagree with him personally but it is quite a common attitude within the gay community, he isn’t alone in this. They do tend to think bisexual women are straight and going through a phase/trying to be edgy too.

I went out with a bisexual man once years ago, I do think he was actually gay tbh. We had a good sex life but he was very camp and AFAIK he’s only had boyfriends since we split.

I am bi (what the kids these days call pansexual) and so is my husband. Some things I have noticed:

There is far less stigma attached to being a bisexual woman than a bisexual man. There is probably more acceptance of being a gay man than a bisexual man.

Straight Men are not threatened by having a bisexual female partner, but many straight women are repulsed by the idea of a bisexual male partner, either due to weird ideas about masculinity and sexuality, or fears about gay sex being dirty or unsafe. Interestingly many gay women also act in quite a biphobic way to bi women, as if you are somehow contaminated by having sex with men.

Generally there's a type of biphobia that assumes a bi person will always want both genders so won't be monogamous. That's not a thing by the way.... but it's what we commonly see on here when someone says their husband looks at gay porn and everyone says 'clearly a 6 on kinsey scale, leave the bastard'.

Its kind of tied up with the idea that if you have sex with men, a female partner will never be able to give you 'everything you want' because of a phallocentric view of sex.

Many straight people don't realise that quite a few "gay" men do find their sexuality broadens and becomes more fluid later in life, but they have spent all their adult lives identifying as gay and don't seem to feel the need to upset the apple cart. Deep down they know they won't be accepted by cis straight women. Other gay men don't tend to care if a guy also sleeps with women, in fact, many seem to find it quite hot (again due to weird ideas about masculinity I think).

All of these revolve around the fact that most of us (male, female, whatever, gay, straight, whatever) have some degree of unconscious or internalised homophobia and/or sexist attitudes or problematic ideas about masculinity.

Same 3scape, though I'm not in a relationship now

Really great post @EpitomeofAnOldBattle. Thank you.

Sorry to read that @TentTalk. I wonder if it’s a generational thing? DD1 (26) is pan sexual (she doesn’t use Bi) and in her LGBT Brighton bubble I honestly don’t think she’s had any stigmatisation that I know off.

Her take on bisexuality is pretty much it’s all about the person, not their bits. I think from what she says that’s pretty common so the idea that a bisexual individual is going to be always feeling they were missing out on the alternative is b*llocks really.

As for Duncan James and other LGBT male personalities who come out as bi before press exposure and going on to have relationships solely with men- ah come on! All about keeping their female fan base alive with potential hope I suspect.

My son is bisexual snd currently in a relationship with a girl. I'm bisexual and currently in a relationship with a man. If that relationship ends I'm not sure I'd date another man.

Contrary to popular belief bisexual people aren't looking for greener grass all the time and are perfect capable of being monogamous in a relationship with either sex.

I didn't admit to being bisexual for years for fear of being mocked/told it was a phase/not taken seriously etc and I find it quite bizarre that people assume that just because someone is bisexual they cannot maintain a monogamous relationship. I find women more attractive casually, than I do men. I fancy women more often than I fancy men, overall.

My recent ex is a bisexual man.
He is also pretty shy and not promiscuous at all. He had only had a few partners of both sexes.
Didn't bother me at all, we both used to fancy the same men lol.

@SJaneS49

Sorry to read that *@TentTalk*. I wonder if it’s a generational thing? DD1 (26) is pan sexual (she doesn’t use Bi) and in her LGBT Brighton bubble I honestly don’t think she’s had any stigmatisation that I know off.

Her take on bisexuality is pretty much it’s all about the person, not their bits. I think from what she says that’s pretty common so the idea that a bisexual individual is going to be always feeling they were missing out on the alternative is b*llocks really.

As for Duncan James and other LGBT male personalities who come out as bi before press exposure and going on to have relationships solely with men- ah come on! All about keeping their female fan base alive with potential hope I suspect.

Yes possibly. People seem to think I'm more likely to cheat. But monogamy has nothing to do with my sexuality!

I don't agree with OP.
And don't agree with her final point re sex drive.
But of course men can be bi. My ds's are teens and they don't even care whether someone is bi, trans, anything. It's getting better.

But too many men, like Elton and Duncan have said bi, when really gay.

I know most (all) bi women do end up with men, though.

Not true, it's just that bi women in long term relationships with women tend to be quite quiet about their bisexuality (mostly because twats like you judge them for it)

Anecdotally a lot of my bi male friends end up dating men because they find that straight women are less accepting (often with an air of “ew bum stuff”). Also male relationships are often more “monogamish” which can be appealing.

My ex turned out to be gay. After 18 years together, he first said he was bi, then 'probably just gay', then he retracted that last statement and said he wanted a divorce because I was impossible to live with.

He's now in a relationship with another man, and I also have a new boyfriend. This new relationship has been a revelation - whatever ex thinks, I am convinced he's gay. The difference between my relationship with him and my new, straight boyfriend is so marked. I don't know now how I ever thought my ex actually loved me and fancied me.

I'm in a support group for people in my situation, and it's very common for men to come out to their female partners as bi before going on to say they're actually just gay. A few are genuinely bi, but on the whole there's a bi 'phase' and they eventually come out as gay.

I really don't think that helps. It's more common than most people realise. During my ex's bi phase, I spent a lot of time on the bi boards of reddit, trying to understand and be supportive. There seems to be a very wide variety of ways that bi people identify, and I think that makes it harder for straight or gay people to understand.

Ultimately, I believe that sexuality is highly individual.

However, given my personal experience (finding out my partner of almost two decades was actually gay was/still is a massive trauma that caused huge destruction in my life) and the very similar experiences of other straight partners who find their way to the support group I'm in, I would be very wary of any man who says he's bi. I don't like that, because I don't want to be suspicious and I don't like how phobic it seems, but I am.

It is so, so important to eradicate prejudice. Everyone should feel free to be their true self. I know that relationships end for all sorts of reasons, but I feel robbed of the opportunity to have a lifelong partnership because my ex was too afraid to be gay.

Gone off at a bit of a tangent there, sorry.

I think the problem for women is that men did use to women as cover when they were really gay by marrying them. I really hope this doesn't happen now (though I suspect it does sometimes) and I'm sure in the future it will be a moot point.

Personally of course I believe people can want to have sex with people of both sexes but if your declaredly straight partner hides gay porn you're not going to think it's because they're embarrassed about having porn are you.

I think the idea that women are more rejecting of bisexuality as a thing is just bollocks but it might seem like that because they've been the secondary victims of the repression of homosexuality more than men have, historically.

@EmergencyHydrangea

I know most (all) bi women do end up with men, though.

Not true, it's just that bi women in long term relationships with women tend to be quite quiet about their bisexuality (mostly because twats like you judge them for it)

Yeah, thanks for that.

If you read my other post you could see i talked abou all kinds of discrimination.
I’ve experienced it myself.

I want to call you twat back, but i won’t stoop down to your level.

I don’t really get it. If someone tells me their sexuality I believe them- it’s never crossed my mind not to?

@YouShouldLeave

And even so, here you are perpetuating stereotypes and biphobia

Just to make a point, ‘Bisexual’ and ‘pansexual’ aren’t interchangeable terms.

Bisexual = 2 sexes. Men and women.

Pansexual = anything goes. Attracted to men, women, trans, gender fluid, non binary and all that.

All i said was that the bi women i know are married to men.

What you did was saw phobia where it wasn’t and called me names 🙃

No you didn't you said all bi women end up with men. All of them. Not just the ones you know

I really take issue with some of the above comments that say no one is 100% straight, as I can assure you I am.
I have 0% sexual attraction to women, and that is not because it’s repressed etc! I fully agree that sexuality is on a scale - but if you believe that, then surely you have to believe that some people will be completely at either end of that scale- either 100% gay or 100% straight, even if it’s uncommon for the majority. I just happen to be at the extremely straight end! It also pisses me off as I feel you wouldn’t say to someone that identifies as an 100% gay man that they are deluded and must sexually fancy women to some degree.

I have had previous partners (male) that are bisexual and they would always be told they were just in the closet (especially by gay men) which is/was not the case at all. I don’t think sexuality is something you can choose obviously and I’m accepting of however someone wants to define themselves- dating a bi man wouldn’t concern me at all.