To wonder what everyone is so busy with?

[JT1994]

Or am I just too sociable? I’m 27 and the only single friend but not desperately seeking a relationship. I seem to be, 95% of the time, the only one suggesting plans/enthusiastic about actually doing ANYTHING. I work ful time Monday to Friday, as do most of my friends, except one who doesn’t work much but still never has time or makes effort to see us. She goes off on weekends with her partner which is cool but during the week I’m not sure what she’s so busy with as she has recently moved to the area and isnt hanging out with lots of other friends. It just seems like she can’t really be bothered or just doesn’t want to hang out?

And other friends have other things on top of work (no kids yet) as do I.. but it seems like maybe I just prioritise friends and socialising and doing fun stuff more? Especially now the weather is good. And it’s not that I’m suggesting big wild nights out, that’s not what any of us are really into. Would just love to feel like people are actually keen and enthusiastic for things. I get so excited for an evening at the beach with a bbq or picnic and my friends and to some of them it just seems like they’d prefer to be sat at home watching tv or scrolling social media???

Sometimes the group chat actually really gets me down, purely because I feel like it takes the joy out of things for me, kinda p*ssing on my bonfire feeling. I love my friends but I wish they’d be a bit more enthusiastic and excited and keen about things! Do they just use all that up on their boyfriends or what? Maybe I’ll find out eventually

Maybe they just can't be bothered? Nothing wrong with that.

I think "busy" doesn't always mean busy.
it's a polite way of saying no thanks when you don't want to say a specific excuse.

When I say I'm busy, sometimes I am.
or any of the following: tired, got bad period, sad, angry, restless, ill, need my space to relax, want to be alone, can't be bothered to get dressed, house is too messy to have people over, not in the mood to be sociable, ill kid at home, working through a problem I don't want to talk about but would inevitable do if with people and so on....
none of it is about the other person though.

remember people are still feeling quite bruised by their lockdown experiences and some just aren't ready to do stuff with others. it's like coming out of hibernation, they need time

How do you know they're sat at home scrolling through social media?

Why dont you go to a class and meet some new people who are in more of the same headspace as you?

To be honest if I have been busy at work all day, the last thing I want is to get ready for a BBQ or picnic on the beach in the evening, I would rather chill out at home.

@WellLarDeDar

How do you know they're sat at home scrolling through social media?

Why dont you go to a class and meet some new people who are in more of the same headspace as you?

That's a point, they might be out with other people

My group don’t tend to do much through the week, other than the odd dinner etc. We all have work, general life stuff through the week.
Come weekend, we make plans if we aren’t already committed to something else or partners.
Sometimes people just don’t want to do stuff and giving the past year I think it’s harder for people to get the up and go again.

Two things occur to me.

Firstly people have got out of the habit of going out much. They’ve got very comfortable with being at home with their partner and doing the things you describe.

Secondly they don’t have the same need to be out and about because they are in relationships and for the main that’s enough, particularly if they’ve recently moved and are getting their new homes together.

It does sound disappointing for you but it’s just life progressing.

Sometimes I try and keep the odd weekend totally free for me and family and so I would say no I can't do that weekend which may come across as rude when we're just chilling at home or locally but sometimes families just want to hang out together and make no plans with anyone. Rubbish for you but that's what horns when you have a family

YANBU to wonder.

but the question has a tinge of judgement & criticism which is on the nose.
like a husband asking their SAHM wife "and what have you been doing all day?" to which the correct answer is "fuck off"😉

@soreenqueen21

People don't exist to make you happy. They're not a supporting cast in the musical of your life. Maybe they just don't want to be your entertainment?

Wow you sound like a joy 😬 no, people don’t exist to entertain others but it’s a reasonable expectation that your friends would be enthusiastic about spending time with you. I wish people would be more honest, instead of saying ‘busy’ as a catch all, they should freely admit they’re just not feeling well or can’t be bothered. Thankfully my friends and I do this, and we also do make time to see each other. I don’t understand people who keep all their free time for their partners, must be a very insular life. Can you join any online groups to meet new friends in your area?

Horns?? No idea what I meant there 😂

You are not being unreasonable but neither are they. They are just less social than you is what it sounds like - so you need to widen your social circle.

You’re nearly 30, priorities change. I’m 30 and spend a lot of evenings after work (especially after a long day) just chilling at home. The last thing I want is a Friday night out drinking 😂 of course it’ll depend on peoples personalities, but things just.. change. Especially if they have partners.

I’m a coupled up friend and it’s often not that I’m ‘busy’ just that I don’t have the headspace for socialising. I have quite an intense job so even though I’m not working late, a lot of the time I just want to chill out after work at home.

I’d be more up for the kind of activities you suggest if it was planned in for a weekend, so I could get it in my schedule and look forward to it.

I think as well when you live with someone, there’s less of a need to go out to see people to stave off boredom, so there’s a bit of that as well. I will admit I was more sociable when I was single.

Maybe your friends are just content within themselves/their relationships and don't need or want external stimulation.

Maybe instead of being so sure it's them that's the problem, you could take a look at yourself and see why you need so much going on?!

Or accept you need a different social circle these days?

Busy often just means they’re spending time with other people so don’t have time to hang out with you. Harsh but happens when you’re the single friend.

if sitting at home and scrolling through phone is their choice of entertainment and relaxation over meeting with you so what?

@MatildaTheCat

Two things occur to me.

Firstly people have got out of the habit of going out much. They’ve got very comfortable with being at home with their partner and doing the things you describe.

Secondly they don’t have the same need to be out and about because they are in relationships and for the main that’s enough, particularly if they’ve recently moved and are getting their new homes together.

It does sound disappointing for you but it’s just life progressing.

Is it though? I’ve got friends in long term relationships and a couple have kids but they all still make time to go out with friends without their kids or partner and enjoy doing that. Other parts of life don’t have to stop because you’ve got a family (obviously there are exceptions like a single parent with childcare issues etc)

@soreenqueen21

People don't exist to make you happy. They're not a supporting cast in the musical of your life. Maybe they just don't want to be your entertainment?

Absolutely this! Do they have families? I’m only a couple of years older than you and have 2 kids and a husband and my own hobbies and other friends and ill family members and family dramas and the need to relax and maybe they have jobs too. Think of your life now, and then add MORE on (some of the elements listed above) and maybe that goes some way to explaining things.

Christ, these replies. So basically you’re all saying that once you’ve got live-in partners and kids you just discard your single friends because you’re “content” and the problem is them for needing “so much going on?” What a depressing indictment of how much you (don’t) value friendships. I hope none of you ever break up with your partners and need those friends. Very glad I don’t know people who think like this

I feel that with the pandemic, my desire to do stuff with people has totally changed.
For example, I'm going to a bbq on Saturday, and I declined a roast invite on Sunday, just because I want to relax and enjoy being idle at home.

I now feel easily drained when I socialise. I like it, but I need way more "me time" than before.
I almost feel dread now when I have something planned out.
I suspect it will take time to go back to how I was before, if I go back at all!

I want to see any individual one of my friends monthly tops, and that's for no more than about 3 hours, and I do one or two social things a week generally. I've ended friendships when I've felt the pressure to be something other than how I like to be. Careful you don't pressure your friends and end up losing them. If you like to do lots of things more often that's great, but then you need to widen your network rather than pressure your current network to conform.

I expect the friend who has just moved is busy with DIY and house stuff, which takes moments to plan but weeks to get done and the others have become happier with just chilling out at home.
After a full day's work I don't know many people who want to be planning stuff for the evenings and same for every weekend as well.

Surprised at some of these replies! It’s not unreasonable to want human connections and spend time with your friends!

OP I would say it doesn’t really matter why your friends behave this way, I’m sure they’ve all got different reasons. If I were in your shoes I’d look to broaden my social circle slightly so I had more options, still retaining those of your friendships that are important to you.