To wonder what everyone is so busy with?

[JT1994]

Or am I just too sociable? I’m 27 and the only single friend but not desperately seeking a relationship. I seem to be, 95% of the time, the only one suggesting plans/enthusiastic about actually doing ANYTHING. I work ful time Monday to Friday, as do most of my friends, except one who doesn’t work much but still never has time or makes effort to see us. She goes off on weekends with her partner which is cool but during the week I’m not sure what she’s so busy with as she has recently moved to the area and isnt hanging out with lots of other friends. It just seems like she can’t really be bothered or just doesn’t want to hang out?

And other friends have other things on top of work (no kids yet) as do I.. but it seems like maybe I just prioritise friends and socialising and doing fun stuff more? Especially now the weather is good. And it’s not that I’m suggesting big wild nights out, that’s not what any of us are really into. Would just love to feel like people are actually keen and enthusiastic for things. I get so excited for an evening at the beach with a bbq or picnic and my friends and to some of them it just seems like they’d prefer to be sat at home watching tv or scrolling social media???

Sometimes the group chat actually really gets me down, purely because I feel like it takes the joy out of things for me, kinda p*ssing on my bonfire feeling. I love my friends but I wish they’d be a bit more enthusiastic and excited and keen about things! Do they just use all that up on their boyfriends or what? Maybe I’ll find out eventually

I totally understand what you mean! I'm the same age, I do have my fiance and most of of my friends are coupled up now but I think we're all just at that age now where things get busy. I definitely agree about maybe trying to widen your circle. I live really far away from my closest friends but luckily there are two of us in our group that are always on top of booking in something to everyone's calendars as we know life can get busy. Is there another personality like that in your group that you can almost preplan the activity with and then you know you have buy in, it's always easier to get the ball rolling if one person says they're keen.

With my local friends short bursts of socialising seems to work, e.g. do you want to go a walk at lunchtime for an hour. I don't even ask a group just one friend who know will be free so it doesn't become an "event" but it's still sociable.

However for the most part it is definitely maybe one weekend a month we have an event, e.g. BBQ/beach/out for dinner then maybe just a walk or cinema during the week.

I'm also 28 FWIW.

"I was mentally exhausted from being in company all day"

@MrMeeseekslookatme

that's 100% me.
from the day DS1 was born almost 20 years ago...and the more kids we had the more I craved a bit of time to myself.

I do like meeting friends & family (mainly parents themselves, some are single).
But I desperately crave time on my own so it is a self-sustaining priority for me over meeting people!

[quote JT1994]@dreamingbohemian I mean.. I’m going to be bridesmaid for one of them at their wedding next year, we’ve been friends for years, we are going for a weekend away in a couple of months as a group, I think if they wanted to step back from our friendship this wouldn’t be the case? And it’s not that they always decline. Maybe I worded my OP wrong. We do see each other, it’s just that a lot of the time they are unable to do it or we do things for less time and nearly all the time it’s my suggestions.[/quote]
When I say step back, I don't mean they don't want to be friends anymore, or that they care about you less. I mean they might just not want to hang out quite so often. It's probably not even personal, they just don't sound extremely sociable. They may be happy to meet up once in a while, go away for a weekend, but just not be in the mood to socialise frequently or on the spur of the moment.

I think the key thing you say is this: 'We do see each other, it’s just that a lot of the time they are unable to do it or we do things for less time and nearly all the time it’s my suggestions.'

I mean, that doesn't sound great. I'm not saying they don't want to be friends, but I think they are trying to get across that they don't want to socialise that often, for whatever reason.

@TedMullins Wow. You have completely misinterpreted my post. I have lots of single friends, friendships I’ve maintained for decades, who I still see regularly, thanks. I think you’re projecting your insecurities onto my post.

I simply said what dozens of other posters have said. All OPs friends are coupled up, and she is single - that’s the crux of the problem. She’s not happy going a week or so without making plans, and they are, because they’ve got someone to socialise with at home. It’s not rocket science.

From OPs description it sounds like they need to be more upfront and honest with her about how often they actually want to meet up with her. Because and I quote, they seem like they can’t be bothered, never making plans, never enthusiastic, seem like they’d prefer to be sat at home. Those aren’t very nice friends. Either OP is massively misinterpreting the actions/attitude of her whole friendship group/WhatsApp group, or they need to be more honest with her.

Actually you say the group chat gets you down -- what are they saying in the group chat?

For ex if they are constantly saying they are exhausted from work or whatever, I mean there's your answer really

They’re just not that in to you.

Theres nothing worse than somebody always doing and planning stuff and trying go drum up enthusiasm. Some people just like to chill after work. Why not join a sports group or mountain climbing group to get rid of your energy. These types probably would probably have more energy to keep up with you. Sounds a bit exhausting to me. I agree with widening your circle.

I used to love having friends like you who were always full of ideas and good at organising events!

If your present friends don't like going out, or are too busy, why not join groups or go to events where you may meet others who share your interests? Your enthusiasm is an asset, so I hope you find more people to enjoy it with.

A big thing I found was when I switched to a more intense and sociable job, my interest in socialising after work went through the floor. Previously I was a scientist in a very boring, non-sociable team, worked 9-5, but was often not busy, and was desperate to do something sociable at least 4 weeknights a week. Now I work in a much more collaborative, social environment, but also work more like 8am-7pm, without much breathing space, so after work I really am quite happy to have dinner, watch TV, and hang out with DH. I much prefer the intense job btw! So could it be you're looking to compensate an unfulfilling day-to-day job with lots of fulfilling interaction in the evening?

The other thing is - some people just have a lot less energy. DH and I are constantly organising things, have packed weekends etc. but lots of people are happy to just get to Saturday morning and go with the flow. Some people are introverts. I'd suggest you maybe try and find a new group of friends who are more focused on activities and organising things in advance rather than trying to 'fix' your old group.

What sports do you do?

Sport is a great way to make friends, get exercise and have fun.

Hill walking, badminton, tennis, golf, are all great for this.

My DP will often he'll be working weekends or nightshift so I can't rely on him for company, maybe that's the difference?

It probably is! If we get a (rare) babysitter, my first thought is great, DH and I can go for a meal. We play board games and video games together, watch a couple of films a week, cook some nice food after DS is in bed. Pre-child we'd go out for the day to Bristol or Bath or a theme park, outlet, etc one of the weekend days. Now we take it in turns to go to the cinema while the other stays at home with DS. Together with having weekend visits from 2 sets of long distance parents, all the usual washing/cooking/lawn mowing/food shopping and our other friends being fond of weekends away themselves we probably meet up every 6 weeks or so.

If you take the partner out of the circumstances for me, of course there are loads of free evenings and weekends.

Sometimes when all your chums are settled down ,friends come last sadly .Of course they still like you ,just family first sort of thing really. Maybe see if you can ask new people ? Anyone at work single or fancy free.I do think its a mistake when chums are off loaded though .They will probably expect you to be free when they need you!

Sometimes the idea of something is nice, but then when it comes to actually doing it - it requires too much effort ! Maybe this applies to your friends..?. I’m definitely like this. I say ‘I can’t wait to meet up and sit in a pub garden and chat and have a drink’ ... and I Do mean it... except when it comes to it ... I’m tired and lazy and I find I can’t get energised and it’s easier to not bother. This has definitely got worse since lock down. It’s sad but true.

This really shows how different people are.

I can't believe some people would rather have a day chilling at home than go out and see friends. We've been stuck inside (more or less) for so long that I'm happy to see anyone else other than the family I live with day in day out!

I get so excited for an evening at the beach with a bbq or picnic

I wouldn't want to be doing this after a day at work, it doesn't happen by magic, someone has to organise it and prep the food etc, tidy up and so on.

This week I have been 'busy' (on top of work) with: Monday at my mum's for the BH, Tue drove back after work, got in at 10pm, Wed walking club, Thu haircut and then some local friends came for a drink, tonight a date, nothing tomorrow except shopping, laundry, bed making etc, Sunday walking club and then a friend coming over.

@Ellpellwood If you take the partner out of the circumstances for me, of course there are loads of free evenings and weekends.

But you don't have to spend every waking moment together? Even on days or evenings we're both off, we'll still sometimes make separate plans. This is what I don't understand, some couples do everything together and are then saying they don't have any free time

@notalwaysalondoner Watch out OP, now your job is unfulfilling cos you wants to have friends! That or you have a better work-life balance than PP... one or t'other

@MrsJBaptiste

This really shows how different people are.

I can't believe some people would rather have a day chilling at home than go out and see friends. We've been stuck inside (more or less) for so long that I'm happy to see anyone else other than the family I live with day in day out!

🤣

well, duh!
people are different
you don't need to believe it, it's a fact.
not sure why you'd think everyone decompresses the same way as you, surely you can't be that ignorant

OP, I could have predicted the replies you would get!

I’m married and a homebody but I’m very conscious that friendships can slip into nothing if effort is made, that’s why I force myself to be sociable because I know once I arrive I have a lot of fun!

I also don’t cancel meet-ups last minute unless it’s a dire emergency and I’m very understanding when friends need to cancel.

One thing I have done is go away less with my single friends and I really want to change that as I’m just realising the impact on a friend who only ever went away with me and her family.

I can't believe some people would rather have a day chilling at home than go out and see friends.

But why is this so hard to believe?

Clearly some people just don't need to socialise so much and there's nothing wrong with that.

Personally I do socialise quite a lot but there are times I just really need a quiet day at home, why is that weird.

If I say I'm busy, it's not always a case of doing things, but I'm busy with plans to unwind and relax.

Even on days or evenings we're both off, we'll still sometimes make separate plans.

Yeah well, I don't want to. Because he's my favourite person to spend time with when I'm not working, cleaning or looking after a toddler.

Could be loads of reasons for this op but basically your friendship group aren't up for socialising often. You can't change this so need to expand your circle of friends.

When I was 27 I was single and living in London. I went out 4 nights a week and sometimes away at weekends. This was normal for me and my peers many of whom were coupled up, however I had lots of different friends so not reliant on one group. It was a happy time for me - I'm sociable and you never run out of things to do in London!

I am 45 now, married with kids, obviously do not go out 4x a week but still v sociable and have wonderful friends who I value and see as much as I can.

I think you need to find your people. Best of luck.

I struggle with social anxiety. I would much rather say I'm busy then say I'm afraid to go out.

Maybe that could be happening. Especially after a year of on and off lockdowns. People may not be ready to go out yet which is reasonable.

Also they might just be busy. I've got a day off but have only just sat down. I can't tell you a single thing I've done today but I've been busy.