To wonder what everyone is so busy with?

[JT1994]

Or am I just too sociable? I’m 27 and the only single friend but not desperately seeking a relationship. I seem to be, 95% of the time, the only one suggesting plans/enthusiastic about actually doing ANYTHING. I work ful time Monday to Friday, as do most of my friends, except one who doesn’t work much but still never has time or makes effort to see us. She goes off on weekends with her partner which is cool but during the week I’m not sure what she’s so busy with as she has recently moved to the area and isnt hanging out with lots of other friends. It just seems like she can’t really be bothered or just doesn’t want to hang out?

And other friends have other things on top of work (no kids yet) as do I.. but it seems like maybe I just prioritise friends and socialising and doing fun stuff more? Especially now the weather is good. And it’s not that I’m suggesting big wild nights out, that’s not what any of us are really into. Would just love to feel like people are actually keen and enthusiastic for things. I get so excited for an evening at the beach with a bbq or picnic and my friends and to some of them it just seems like they’d prefer to be sat at home watching tv or scrolling social media???

Sometimes the group chat actually really gets me down, purely because I feel like it takes the joy out of things for me, kinda p*ssing on my bonfire feeling. I love my friends but I wish they’d be a bit more enthusiastic and excited and keen about things! Do they just use all that up on their boyfriends or what? Maybe I’ll find out eventually

@Gwenhwyfar

"have houses to look after"

Unless you have children, I don't see why housework would take up all your time.

"My friends and I probably see each other every 6-8 weeks for a dinner and night out."

So you don't have children and you go two months without socialising??

I socialise every day at work in the office 😂

Unfortunately no I don't have children, I've had 10 miscarriages but many of my friends have children.

Yes, I like to keep my house lovely and clean, is there an issue here?

I like to spend the evenings with my DH. My friends also have their children, houses and other half's.

There seems to be a lot of not understanding other people working from home. Most people I know are still mainly WFH but obviously it's not hard to understand that others aren't. I spen as little time as possible on housework but for other people it's a priority. My idea of heaven is a night watching a film with DH and a take away. A night out every few weeks is plenty. For other people this would feel very lonely and isolating.

That said whatever your personality I do think people should make effort for their friends. If your friend is single, lives alone and might feel a bit bored/lonely it won't kill you to make a bit of time for them, even if you personally are happy stopping at home.

I won if you are trying to organise something with all your friends at the same time. Those wassap type meet up organiser things are a nightmare to coordinate. Some people feel making the effort for a group is more than just meeting one person.
You could also be flexible about what you do. Meeting people at their houses is easier than going to the pub etc.
To be honest when I was single I always had to make the effort. Once I was in a couple I stopped trying so hard and my friends didn't step up and arrange things. Friendship has to involve both parties making a little effort otherwise what's the point.
I'd definitely join a club or sport op. I regret not doing that sooner as only got 5 or so years of hobbies in till body was wrecked by childbirth.

Thanks, I have thought about joining a club but not sure what kind of thing. And sadly there’s not much around here on meet-up, I live in a pretty rural area!
All my friends are also working from home so as someone else said, time to yourself is plentiful at the moment! Sometimes things are fine and people are available and I have lots of plans, but it is frustrating being the only one making an effort to organise things/feeling like you’re the only one who actually wants to see them, and feeling a bit embarrassed about it like I’m desperate? When it’s a totally normal thing to actually want to see your friends! (Just to reiterate I am in no means trying to fill every waking moment, or see them daily. I like downtime too and relaxing most evenings after work)

My friends before DH were very similar. What I now realise are Fairweather friends. I have different friends I mostly have in common with DH, but we're all equally as crap as arranging meet ups. Life just happens that way.
You can find clubs rural places if you look often, I did boxercise for a time in our village hall, met lots of different people I wouldn't otherwise have known. I've also been part of city clubs where there's generally a younger crowd, but you do need to drive to go to those. I think sometimes with friendship you have to open yourself up to being friends with people who you aren't immediately drawn to, whether geeky or a bit on the fringe, you also have to be a bit cest la.vie when people move on.
But I'm a really terrible example as dh and I had a very humble social life.

I have a job that involves talking to people all day - not just colleagues and other professionals - but people with difficult lives and problems that need support and understanding. I spend hours some days listening to people (face to face, I only wfh occasionally) and genuinely trying to understand them and help them. But most of my friends have jobs that involve loads of teams meetings / zoom meetings with colleagues and other professionals and while they deal with difficult, important issues and have budgets to account for and its v stressful (and they all earn way more than me) they still have head space at the end of the day to socialise, whereas often I'm completely done in that respect. I can't deal with any more human interaction and I just want to go home whereas they have been at home on-line all day and just want to go out.

"Yes, I like to keep my house lovely and clean, is there an issue here?"

Of course not. My question was why would housework stop someone with no children going out with friends on the weekend. Housework is not an everyday job if you don't have children.

"I was listening to the radio today with hoteliers and restaurateurs saying how many bookings they've had. LOADS of people are REALLY keen to get back out asap.
And many more LOADS who are REALLY keen not to."

Stats for this? Because it's not what I'm seeing at all and I don't think it explains 27 year olds not wanting to go out.

"I don't know why it's so strange that the OP's friends might also be busy or simply feeling overwhelmed or tired or whatever by the adjustment. Or simply that after a year of being at home they've realised their priorities and needs have changed."

Well, if it's something other than being busy, why don't they just say so e.g. "I feel like staying in tonight".

My kids are now grown up and I am fortunately single.

By the time I have been to work, walked the dog for an hour, done a bit of housework and basic personal hygiene, I am knackered.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

How big are some people's houses 👀 I get it with small kida, but with older ones or without, there is really not that much work unless you work hard to find it.

With no kids, this is how much housework I do. Granted, there are people on MN who have called me 'gross', but when I visit other people's homes, they're really not much better than mine:

Daily - maybe some food prep and wiping of surfaces, dishes or loading dishwasher
Every few days - food shopping
Weekly - wiping down the bathroom, kitchen surfaces, dustpan and brush around where I eat/cook, clothes in washing machine, iron, tidy up
Every two/three weeks - deeper clean of bathroom, dust, hoover, maybe mop, change sheets
Every few months - clean fridge/oven/windows
Twice a year - swap summer/winter wardrobe, take winter coats for dry cleaning

Have I forgotten much? I mean, it can take a few hours every other weekend, but it's not a full time job like if you have children and a load of washing every day.

@LibertyMole

My kids are now grown up and I am fortunately single.

By the time I have been to work, walked the dog for an hour, done a bit of housework and basic personal hygiene, I am knackered.

I'm presuming you're not 27 though.

Silar @Gwenhwyfar
I do run a quick weakarse hoover every evening though😂 It's very dusty around here, I like windows open and both ract to dust. So 3x6 min added😁
Though I move some of your things around, like shopping just once a week, sheets weekly (usually not always, I shower in the evening so not filthy, anyway)same with bathroom.
But on the other hand I save time by not ironing😂

Yup. Not really more than couple of hours. Also DH does stuff, though less as he works longer hours, so even more time.

I think sometimes with friendship you have to open yourself up to being friends with people who you aren't immediately drawn to, whether geeky or a bit on the fringe,

Those are exactly the ones I'm drawn to. They tend to be interesting people.

Stats for this? Because it's not what I'm seeing at all and I don't think it explains 27 year olds not wanting to go out.

There are 66 million people in the UK. Why on earth would you think a single radio show interviewing a couple of restauranteurs is enough to make a generalisation about what every single person in the country thinks?

People are individuals. Of course some people will want to go out and some people won't. That's just basic human nature.

It's so strange that pp have a problem comprehending a very basic statement like "all people are different and have different interests and comfort levels."

In terms of friends too, something I struggle with is that I have lots of friends and separate friendship groups, and sometimes I feel torn between them. I've been called anti-social in the past when really my time was being taken up by other close friends and other friendship groups I'm part of, who happened to be in need at that moment. Splitting time between people is hard.

Obviously this isn't what the OP is talking about, but surely most people have multiple separate friendship groups?

"There are 66 million people in the UK. Why on earth would you think a single radio show interviewing a couple of restauranteurs is enough to make a generalisation about what every single person in the country thinks?"

The hospitality industry is busy in general, that's why it was a story. It's not just restaurateurs!

"People are individuals. Of course some people will want to go out and some people won't. That's just basic human nature."

Of course, but there are average and there are tendencies and also if people are in a group of friends together, they're likely to want to socialise together, otherwise, why would they be friends?

@WisconsinRaw

In terms of friends too, something I struggle with is that I have lots of friends and separate friendship groups, and sometimes I feel torn between them. I've been called anti-social in the past when really my time was being taken up by other close friends and other friendship groups I'm part of, who happened to be in need at that moment. Splitting time between people is hard.

Obviously this isn't what the OP is talking about, but surely most people have multiple separate friendship groups?

I don't know if most people are as popular as you Wisconsin! I also think people differ on the extent to which they can keep their friends separate. I always want to introduce everyone so I end up with only one group anyway. Having just had a year of lockdown as well there have been no clubs/activities and little opportunity to make new friends so I think many people have retreated into a little bubble. If this was the case for OP's friends, surely they would say 'oh sorry I'm seeing x tonight'. And then x can't join OP's thing because there's a limit of numbers...

@WisconsinRaw

In terms of friends too, something I struggle with is that I have lots of friends and separate friendship groups, and sometimes I feel torn between them. I've been called anti-social in the past when really my time was being taken up by other close friends and other friendship groups I'm part of, who happened to be in need at that moment. Splitting time between people is hard.

Obviously this isn't what the OP is talking about, but surely most people have multiple separate friendship groups?

I do. occasionally there's an overlap and obviously when we have big parties we invite everyone that's important to us so they do meet (and if from that they end up meeting without me I'm genuinely happy about that) but yeah, it's compartmentalised because of different backgrounds, interests, dynamics etc.

like you, I've recently had to keep saying no to friend A because friend B was about to move and needed help at odd times so she was temporarily a priority.
luckily I only have friends who don't sulk about me not being available (just as I don't sulk when they are unavailable).
I'm meeting friend A tomorrow as it's the first free day for both of us after half term. can't wait!