To wonder what everyone is so busy with?

[JT1994]

Or am I just too sociable? I’m 27 and the only single friend but not desperately seeking a relationship. I seem to be, 95% of the time, the only one suggesting plans/enthusiastic about actually doing ANYTHING. I work ful time Monday to Friday, as do most of my friends, except one who doesn’t work much but still never has time or makes effort to see us. She goes off on weekends with her partner which is cool but during the week I’m not sure what she’s so busy with as she has recently moved to the area and isnt hanging out with lots of other friends. It just seems like she can’t really be bothered or just doesn’t want to hang out?

And other friends have other things on top of work (no kids yet) as do I.. but it seems like maybe I just prioritise friends and socialising and doing fun stuff more? Especially now the weather is good. And it’s not that I’m suggesting big wild nights out, that’s not what any of us are really into. Would just love to feel like people are actually keen and enthusiastic for things. I get so excited for an evening at the beach with a bbq or picnic and my friends and to some of them it just seems like they’d prefer to be sat at home watching tv or scrolling social media???

Sometimes the group chat actually really gets me down, purely because I feel like it takes the joy out of things for me, kinda p*ssing on my bonfire feeling. I love my friends but I wish they’d be a bit more enthusiastic and excited and keen about things! Do they just use all that up on their boyfriends or what? Maybe I’ll find out eventually

@Writersblock2
You are only around people who might progress your life!
WTAF is that. Literally never heard of that

Hi OP, I'm late 20s and understand where you're coming from. I'm happy in my own company mostly but with the pandemic it has become a bit much - I think I'm now suffering from some mild depression because of it.

But since restrictions have lifted I have been seeing friends more - and they are all coupled up. Sometimes during a weeknight or a weekend. They still value their friendships but of course they spend most of the time with their partners.

A PP said dating is the solution and that is up to you. I think it can be risky to think that is the solution as you sound as though you're feeling a bit vulnerable and lonely and could end up with a wrong type of person in that mindset.

For me - I see my best friend once a month and other friends once every 2-3 months. They have partners like I said. A PP saying picnics and BBQs sound dull is odd - that is what most people my age have been doing over the past month. We enjoy them! And there is still only so much you can actually do/sunny weather is perfect for it.

This happens in late 20s, that is just how it is. Best to appreciate your friends as they are as you can't force something different. Continue to initiate and try to meet new people via your hobbies.

For me busy would be.
6 days a, week I'm home with the dcs. Dh out working 8am till 6.30 he gets in. We then all eat together. He has quick wash and change out work clothes. He sorts kids. I wash up etc (I like to before anyone says it should be shared) so once kids are bathed. He spends time with them. I shower. Either one of us puts them to bed. He then has his shower shave etc.
I then do lunchboxes for next day or whatever needs doing. I'm a clean freak so always find something that no one else sees.
Then he makes a cuppa and slice of cake. Whislt I whip round the bathroom (goes mouldy if not all cleaned and dried off tiles.)
We then sit down around 9.45.

If people ask me to go out week days I hate it. I love our little boring ' busy' routine

Plus dh often does overtime so sometimes won't get home till. 9pm. In which case I do the majority of it all.

Sunday is our family day.

@PASStheCAKEandCHOC
You have no friends? That you see regularly

@PASStheCAKEandCHOC For me busy would be.
6 days a, week I'm home with the dcs.

" Dh out working 8am till 6.30 "

What are you doing for those intervening 10 and a half hrs?

" he gets in. We then all eat together. He has quick wash and change out work clothes"

You cooked dinner then?

"'I wash up etc (I like to before anyone says it should be shared) so once kids are bathed"

"He sorts kids".

Sorts kids how? He baths them?

"He spends time with them".
You have free time here.

"I shower".
How long does that take?

"Either one of us puts them to bed".

It's DH isn't it.

"He then has his shower shave etc".

Does he have time to shite?

"I then do lunchboxes for next day"

That takes 5 mins.

"Or what ever needs doing"

You have had 10 and half hours all day to do what needs doing .

"I'm a clean freak so always find something that no one else sees".

Did you not use yr 10 hrs earlier to see?

"Then he makes a cuppa and slice of cake. Whilst I whip round the bathroom (goes mouldy if not all cleaned and dried off tiles.)".

That takes 5 mins and a spray of Viakal.

"We then sit down around 9.45."

You really are rushed off yr feet. No wonder you have no time to see yr friends.

"@PASStheCAKEandCHOC Plus dh often does overtime so sometimes won't get home till. 9pm. In which case I do the majority of it all".

God, that must be horrendous. You have the most heinous existence. Here is a medal for you. 🥇

God this thread has been like a bucket of cold water! Similar age but two birthdays in lockdown (of which the first year was spent caring for a terminally ill family member) so it does feel like I've fast-forwarded in some ways. I thought the solution was to get out and meet new people but judging by some of the responses here I possibly shouldn't bother

I've also always been the one organising everything, in that the conversation typically goes from "We should all do a city break next bank holiday" to "Whistle is good at this stuff, can you just sort it and let us know how much £££ to transfer you?" I never minded a bit as it was more than worth it to me to spend the time together, just like the weekends spent putting together their ikea furniture, or sticking labels on their wedding invites, or watching their DPs rugby team lose dismally, or whatever other thing fitted in around their lives at the time.

Despite being the only one coupled up throughout uni and the only mum my female friendships were always a priority. I suppose that's what I saw growing up, I had a lot of "aunties"! I guess to some other people they're just a way of putting in time til the "real" people came along.

Messaged a close friend last weekend saying I'd be in her area next weekend (so two weeks' notice) if she and her dog wanted to meet for a walk in her local park. I don't love walks but she does, I won't actually "happen to be passing anyway" but as PPs mentioned wouldn't want to seem too "needy" or "demanding"... Reply came back "dunno if that'll work for me, ask me again friday eve?" Didn't ever think I'd be two weeks on a waitlist waiting to see if someone gets a better offer than me

What a nasty, bullying post girl71

I suspect should any of your friends find themselves in a position when they have to on holiday alone, live alone, go for coffee alone and walk the dog daily alone, basically do life alone, day after day, you may find that they are not as "busy" as they used to be!

There's definitely truth in this, but I've been single for ever, do almost everything that's not work-related alone (have lived alone since I was 16, only ever had two holidays not alone) and while I do get lonely and have empty time sometimes I'm also often extremely busy and have periods of really intense busyness. It's like society just can't admit that women who aren't married/mums can still be genuinely just really busy.

I was listening to the radio today with hoteliers and restaurateurs saying how many bookings they've had. LOADS of people are REALLY keen to get back out asap.
And many more LOADS who are REALLY keen not to.

Also, as OP is 27, I'd be really surprised if many of her friends are vulnerable to Covid or excessively worried about it.
That's not really the point, the point is the world opening up again is deeply weird for many people, and everyone has a different comfort level. FWIW the only people I know personally who are clinically vulnerable or scared are 20/30 somethings.

Are you saying that you are the only single one in your main friendship group?

That is hard. People do socialise less as they settle down in relationships. That’s fairly normal. They also tend to socialise mostly with other couples. (Not exclusively, but mostly).

Meet up for .com would improve your social life. Couples live very differently from single people which is dead normal. Sorry but you need to make some single friends.

Jesus. It does worry me that so many young women are pinning all their lives on a man. I actually left a ltr at 27 as he was abusive and decided to stay single for a while - in fact I was single (though had casual affairs!) for 4 years.

I was a junior doctor so decided to take advantage of that and work in an African country with MSF for 6 months. Then went on to travel around the continent for a further 3 months before coming home. When I was home I went back to study for further qualifications. The hours were long but we all had time for fun stuff like drinking, sailing (occasionally at the same time), weekends away, hiking etc. Some were in relationships and either came alone or brought their partner. Others like me were single.

At 51 I now have slowed down, but by god I'm glad I had my adventures in my late 20's because apart from the absolute fun I had, I learnt a lot about who I was and what I could do. It's made me the person I a, today.

Know what you mean OP. They’ll be back in a few years when they have no one, I’ve seen that happen to a couple of friends already. Friendships are so important for mental health, the washing and diy can wait for a quick coffee. I’ve realised that some friends seem to have become less able to compromise as we’ve aged and think the friendship is only there to serve them.

@Whistle99 what your friend said . I hope you met another friend who didn’t wait list you.

" people who aren’t going to really progress my life"

And have you find people who are going to progress your life?

@Writersblock2

I am busy. It’s just not socialising with people who aren’t going to really progress my life. That’s doesn’t mean I hate them or I never want to hang out, but at the end of the day I’d rather work on things that will provide me with a better future or personal fulfilment or achievement than sit around having yet another beer.

People are different. This shouldn’t be surprising.

This is such a toxic, Instagram meme mentality. 'Don't waste your time on people who don't contribute to your goals or your bank account' #girlboss pish. Life is for living and being happy. Ever think that by focusing purely on what progresses you you're missing opportunities to help others? Just seems a selfish way to live to me.

@WisconsinRaw

What a nasty, bullying post girl71

I think we can all understand how having small children makes you busy, but it seems most of OP's friends don't have children yet so the 'busy' is a bit of a puzzle. They may work long hours, but it's unlikely they have lots of other things in the evenings as we're just coming out of lockdown so 'busy' is an excuse for 'lazy' or just not interested.

Do women who are mums really, genuinely think women who aren't mums can't possibly be busy? That's just bizarre.

I have huge sympathy for the OP but the idea that it's "lazy" to not want to socialise, or that not wanting to socialise needs an excuse, is just strange. People are allowed to make their own decisions how to spend their time, and we're coming out of a year of extreme change and trauma. For many people the end of lockdown is a joy but for many it's a huge adjustment. It's also just exhausting. I've gone from working from home/barely working and sitting on the sofa for a year, to straight back into 90-minute commutes and not getting home from work till 11pm. It's a huge shock to the system and I'm just so tired. Obviously loads of people don't work those kinds of jobs but that's the point - everyone is different and has different challenges and adjustments to make coming out of lockdown.

I think there's a balance to be met. When you're in a relationship and you have company on tap it's easy to be complacent about investing in other friendships. Its important to make the effort with your friends and not let those other important relationships slide or neglect people who have been there for you.

That said different people have different levels of energy for socialising. I love my down time. If I've been at work all day I'll really look forward to some time to myself. Other people might feel the opposite and want to unwind in a big group and that's fine too.

I'm 28 and in a close friendship group of 6 other girls, we never fall out, we are always there for each other but we are not in each others pockets.

We all work full time, have houses to look after, I'm knackered by the time the weekend comes round, I have the cleaning of the house, the laundry to do, find some time for myself, take dog out.

Life is busy and hard especially when you work full time.

My friends and I probably see each other every 6-8 weeks for a dinner and night out.

" or that not wanting to socialise needs an excuse, is just strange. "

Well, I don't know. I have a group of friends in a Whatsapp group about meeting up on the weekend so if they don't want to meet up on the weekend, it would be normal to give a reason why. After all, if you don't want to socialise at all, why do you even have friends?

"have houses to look after"

Unless you have children, I don't see why housework would take up all your time.

"My friends and I probably see each other every 6-8 weeks for a dinner and night out."

So you don't have children and you go two months without socialising??

"That said different people have different levels of energy for socialising. I love my down time. If I've been at work all day I'll really look forward to some time to myself. Other people might feel the opposite and want to unwind in a big group and that's fine too."

Everyone I know is wfh so time to ourselves is what we get way too much of! Also, not physically tired with no going to work and coming back.

How big are some people's houses 👀
I get it with small kida, but with older ones or without, there is really not that much work unless you work hard to find it.

There's a big difference between a "reason" and an "excuse." Pp are implying the friends are lying about being busy, because apparently only mums can be busy.

There's a difference between "not wanting to socialise at all" and "not getting excited about big beach outings during this really strange period when we're struggling to adjust to coming out of lockdown and being back at work." I dearly love to socialise and normally dedicate a huge amount of time to seeing my friends, I just can't right now because being back at work is genuinely so overwhelmingly busy and exhausting.

I don't know why it's so strange that the OP's friends might also be busy or simply feeling overwhelmed or tired or whatever by the adjustment. Or simply that after a year of being at home they've realised their priorities and needs have changed.

Everyone I know is wfh so time to ourselves is what we get way too much of!

I don't know anyone who's still wfh.