To wonder what everyone is so busy with?

[JT1994]

Or am I just too sociable? I’m 27 and the only single friend but not desperately seeking a relationship. I seem to be, 95% of the time, the only one suggesting plans/enthusiastic about actually doing ANYTHING. I work ful time Monday to Friday, as do most of my friends, except one who doesn’t work much but still never has time or makes effort to see us. She goes off on weekends with her partner which is cool but during the week I’m not sure what she’s so busy with as she has recently moved to the area and isnt hanging out with lots of other friends. It just seems like she can’t really be bothered or just doesn’t want to hang out?

And other friends have other things on top of work (no kids yet) as do I.. but it seems like maybe I just prioritise friends and socialising and doing fun stuff more? Especially now the weather is good. And it’s not that I’m suggesting big wild nights out, that’s not what any of us are really into. Would just love to feel like people are actually keen and enthusiastic for things. I get so excited for an evening at the beach with a bbq or picnic and my friends and to some of them it just seems like they’d prefer to be sat at home watching tv or scrolling social media???

Sometimes the group chat actually really gets me down, purely because I feel like it takes the joy out of things for me, kinda p*ssing on my bonfire feeling. I love my friends but I wish they’d be a bit more enthusiastic and excited and keen about things! Do they just use all that up on their boyfriends or what? Maybe I’ll find out eventually

It was said to me years ago and its true that by and large people can always find time for what they want to do.....

@JT1994

lavender - wow. If you were my friend and you kept fobbing me off expecting me to take the hint instead of just telling me you didn’t want to hang out then I don’t think I’d want you as a friend either!

Hmmm but is that realistic OP?

It is very very unlikely that anyone will ever tell you directly they don't want to hang out with you, or that they would rather only hang out occasionally. People don't like confrontation and it's a very uncomfortable thing to do.

So I'm not sure it's reasonable to expect people to do this. It's much more likely people will be fobbing you off and hoping you get the hint. It might not be fair but that's just how people are.

If I was constantly hearing from my friends that they were busy and didn't want to hang out, I would personally be assuming they wanted to step back from the friendship a bit and I'd be looking for some new friends just in case.

OP you’ve mentioned hiking and that you have a dog. Do any of your friends like hiking? You could meet up to do that, that would be an awesome day out somewhere, a catch up, a coffee & cake, fresh air etc. Do any of them live fairly nearby with a dog? You could meet up for early morning dog walks. Seeing friends isn’t just about going out for drinks or shopping or whatever.

You do sound lovely, I really hope you can find a solution

Don't invite them.

I join events on Meetup or whatever. I might say "I'm going hiking up a mountain on the 17th if anyone fancies coming along, two spaces left" or "I'm at that exhibition on Saturday, lemme know if you want to meet up" but ultimately I arrange things for me and go for me.

Yes it's nice if your friends come too, but yeah you're right - truth is there are people who like to do a lot of things and people who don't like to do things, and you can't make one out of the other.

I work full-time, two kids but I don't like sitting still and love making plans. However, if no one else wants to go that's totally fine, I don't expect them to. I hike, play sports, go to the cinema or theatre or go climbing or the gym, or see friends, more than my family do, and that's fine.

Sorry x-post

Okay good they're not just pretending to be busy, but it's still possible they just want to hang out less and are hoping you will get the hint

You say they have few friends overall and just want to see their partners on the weekends, this suggests they are not all that sociable in the first place and that's just how they are.

I think sometimes it is honestly just a mismatch of people which can happen to the best of us as friendships evolved.

For example I genuinely don't find outings in the evening fun , I just don't enjoy them after work because it feels rushed. It's not a comment on others but it's really not about not prioritising fun it's that I don't see it as fun.

I didn't really in my twenties either but then I said yes to keep the peace with others. Now I'm older I don't as much.

There are lots of things that other people don't enjoy but I really do , I wouldn't consider it them not prioritising me, just that they don't feel like doing it.

I do have a friend like you OP and I think its fair enough for you to want them to be honest. I love my friend but she is really into going out and about and is always the one planning things. We had a really honest conversation where she was a bit upset noone else planned things. I did point out that she didn't actually give anyone else a chance because she always had something that she wS planning but I was also very upfront that it was no reflection on her but I honestly couldn't (and didn't want to) keep up.

She was honest about equating my attendance with showing how much I cared. We ultimately found a middle ground. I don't think you are at all unreasonable for wanting honesty but equally perhaps you are making assumptions about their idea of fun?

You're not wrong tbh, I see my friends now and again but I want to spend the majority of my free time with my kids/partner.

The first two posts were spot on -

"People don't exist to make you happy. They're not a supporting cast in the musical of your life. Maybe they just don't want to be your entertainment?"

"Maybe they just can't be bothered? Nothing wrong with that."

Whilst not directly relevant, I have to say that one of my biggest regrets in life is the amount of time I wasted hanging round with and drinking with work colleagues and friends, when I could have been at home by myself a pursuing hobbies.

@dreamingbohemian I mean.. I’m going to be bridesmaid for one of them at their wedding next year, we’ve been friends for years, we are going for a weekend away in a couple of months as a group, I think if they wanted to step back from our friendship this wouldn’t be the case? And it’s not that they always decline. Maybe I worded my OP wrong. We do see each other, it’s just that a lot of the time they are unable to do it or we do things for less time and nearly all the time it’s my suggestions.

@JT1994 do remember this is MN where any request to spend time or support a friend is seen as clingy and demanding.
In the real world, there are people who claim to be so introverted that they don't need anyone outside their "own little family" - until, of course they do and find that they don't have anyone left. This happened with a friend of mine from years ago. She was all coupled up when the rest of us were single and by god didn't she ever let us forget it. She turned down every social event because she had to spend time with John, watch crap TV with John, iron John's fucking underpants.

Fast forward to their wedding and her surprise that none of our friendship group went even though we were invited to the evening do (we weren't important enough to be day guests as we were still all single and so would spoil the seating plan).
Then the kids came and she was always too busy with them and John. More underpants to iron I guess.
Then John ran off with his secretary and guess who she came running to because suddenly her smug married and mummy group of friends didn't want the single woman around their husbands....

Only thing is, we weren't there for her.

All of my friends have children, and most have partners so meeting up requires a bit more planning and tends to happen infrequently. However the majority of us message most days about something or another; might be child or school related, might be something funny, might be idle chat. It's those interactions that keep the friendships going, not relying on constant meet-ups.

Christ Almighty this is a sad thread to read! There are some very unpleasant attitudes being voiced here.

I'm married and I work full time and I jump at the chance of a night out with girlfriends especially if it's a school night! I'm also quite ancient.

Hang in there OP, I spent a long time single so I understand

As a single person with a decent social life, I am v grateful that my friends (whether single or partnered) aren't like this. Honestly, you need to make some new friends - not to replace these ones but in addition. What with work, hobbies, meet-up groups etc this should be v possible at your age.

One thing I've always noticed is that particular friends routinely disappear off the face of the earth when they've got a boyfriend. Usually the same people want your undivided attention when it goes wrong and want to talk to you constantly, until they find another boyfriend.

I'm too old to compare fairly but my children are busy and working too hard to want to party every night.

The 28 year-old works as GP doing up to fourteen hours a day, over four and half days. Every other weekend she provides medical cover for a hospice. She sometimes gets so tired she just wants to collapse on the sofa when she get home - the journey adds another hour onto her day. She has just married so was busy with the arrangements for that and now is busy looking to upscale houses ready for the next stage in her life, so has to make sure house is tidy and clean before viewings,
She spends her leisure time having meals with friends who understand that sometimes she's just too tired - they are similar. She also walks and runs with the dog or goes to the gym, if its raining. A real luxury for her is an evening at an Everyman cinema with her new husband (but they haven't been for a while, obviously).

I think at your age, lots of people are past the clubbing phase and want to settle down, take careers more seriously and enjoy less frenetic activity. Quieter meals where you can actually talk to small groups of friends gradually takes over from larger group events. People know more what they enjoy and many are more focused on relationships with partners. Even our 26 year old son is settling and wanting to have suppers with small groups rather than the louder barbecues of a few years ago.

Holy shit these replies! It actually answers your question though OP, some people would rather sit at home than see their friends. Of course they have cooking and DIY and studying and hobbies to do, unlike single people who don't have to do these thing! (/sarcasm)

I totally relate, I'm in my early 30s and even pre-covid my friends were starting to become less interested in nights out and drinking, but even in days out and coffees or meals. I don't get it, I'm in a long-term relationship of a few years, we live together and have a dog, I have a reasonable professional career. I still like to do things after work a couple of times a week. My DP will often he'll be working weekends or nightshift so I can't rely on him for company, maybe that's the difference? But honestly I can't see myself being one of those women who does everything with their DP regardless. I think it's maybe just one of those things that happens at this age. Fortunately I've met a new group of (more fun) friends through my boyfriend, and his sister is fab so we've become good friends. In your shoes I'd find stuff to do that didn't involve those bores, go to gym classes or something so you're busy without having to rely on people.

@HilaryBriss

To be honest if I have been busy at work all day, the last thing I want is to get ready for a BBQ or picnic on the beach in the evening, I would rather chill out at home.

This.

I got sick to death of (mainly single people with no kids) mithering me constantly during the pandemic. Between 8 hours of working and homeschooling, all I wanted to do each evening was either sit in my bedroom with my phone off in silence alone or go for a walk, in silence, alone.

They would be bored with being indoors alone all day. I was mentally exhausted from being in company all day.

Sorry - got interrupted and sent too soon...

I'm married and have been for years. I have two adopted children and a demanding job that has recently seriously cut down on my MN opportunities .

However, I have friends who are important to me and with whom I have a shared history, shared interests, a shared sense of humour and outlook on life and who enhance my life. Sometimes one of them are in need of support, sometimes I'm the one in need of support. It is different to the relationship I have with my husband and that's why I like it and why I always make sure I spend time with this wonderful group of men and women who I choose to have in my life.

It is fine to not have friends. It is fine to only have casual friends. I don't think that those people are missing out. But it's not fine to string friends along and make them feel like they are demanding.

OP, what you describe sounds familiar, although it was a long time ago for me.
What I remember is in my late 20s is that life starts to change and jell, relationships can become more serious, many people are starting to move up the career ladder and take on more responsibility and are expected to carry a big load of work home, couples do spend more time together, starting living together etc.
I was the one who wanted to do 'stuff' in the evenings, especially at this time of year and the solution was to seek out new friends who were similarly minded. Didn't mean I turned my back on existing friends, it just became less frequent.
when I too met someone, fell in love, lived together etc later on, I also tended to spend less time out, especially 'out out'.

@DK123

One thing I've always noticed is that particular friends routinely disappear off the face of the earth when they've got a boyfriend. Usually the same people want your undivided attention when it goes wrong and want to talk to you constantly, until they find another boyfriend.

Yes! When I met my boyfriend one of my friends threw a huff and ghosted me for a year. There was no real reason for this and she eventually apologised and accepted it was her fault. She's spent her whole 20s single bitching and moaning about other girls wanting to spend time with their boyfriends. Guess what? She's got a new man and is very very busy with him. Fs

I got sick to death of (mainly single people with no kids) mithering me constantly during the pandemic.

You mean people who were probably struggling with their mental health because they were alone all day every day? Who might not have seen another person or had a conversation with someone?

Or is it only people with families who were allowed to get tired, stressed and in need of support?

@JT1994

lavender - wow. If you were my friend and you kept fobbing me off expecting me to take the hint instead of just telling me you didn’t want to hang out then I don’t think I’d want you as a friend either!

But you’ve said ”I seem to be, 95% of the time, the only one suggesting plans/enthusiastic about actually doing ANYTHING.” So this is literally what your friends are currently doing to you!?!? If they never suggest plans, and then aren’t enthusiastic when you suggest them? No?

My conscience is clear. I say to my friends “we are next free on X June, let’s pop it in the calendar now.” Or “September time would be good to visit, but I don’t have a whole weekend before then. First weekend?”. I would never fob my friends off, and equally I suggest plans with my friends as often as they suggest plans with me, it’s reciprocal.

I think for a lot of people the fact that we know what our friends are up to via social media and group chats has taken the place of real life meetings. We feel like we've had our recommended dose of friends and don't need any extra.

You are at a different stage in life. Once people settle down with a long term partner they have different calls on their time. Time together, two sets of parents wanting to see them, probably a larger home so more time and money spent on that. It's not a case of dropping single friends as a PP suggested . I had a very different life when I was single. Much more time and money to socialise. An ex once blamed me for his friends not wanting to meet up with him as much, when the real reason was they were all newly married or had young kids. He was a bit 'me me me' and didn't get it.

Do you live with your parents?

I much prefer spending time with DP and DS over seeing friends.

I like being able to chill out at home.