To wonder what everyone is so busy with?

[JT1994]

Or am I just too sociable? I’m 27 and the only single friend but not desperately seeking a relationship. I seem to be, 95% of the time, the only one suggesting plans/enthusiastic about actually doing ANYTHING. I work ful time Monday to Friday, as do most of my friends, except one who doesn’t work much but still never has time or makes effort to see us. She goes off on weekends with her partner which is cool but during the week I’m not sure what she’s so busy with as she has recently moved to the area and isnt hanging out with lots of other friends. It just seems like she can’t really be bothered or just doesn’t want to hang out?

And other friends have other things on top of work (no kids yet) as do I.. but it seems like maybe I just prioritise friends and socialising and doing fun stuff more? Especially now the weather is good. And it’s not that I’m suggesting big wild nights out, that’s not what any of us are really into. Would just love to feel like people are actually keen and enthusiastic for things. I get so excited for an evening at the beach with a bbq or picnic and my friends and to some of them it just seems like they’d prefer to be sat at home watching tv or scrolling social media???

Sometimes the group chat actually really gets me down, purely because I feel like it takes the joy out of things for me, kinda p*ssing on my bonfire feeling. I love my friends but I wish they’d be a bit more enthusiastic and excited and keen about things! Do they just use all that up on their boyfriends or what? Maybe I’ll find out eventually

@dreamingbohemian nothing like that, it’s more that it just feels so one sided and that I’m carrying the conversation, making the effort, which is making me feel down about the chat

Thats intresting someone said at around 30 prioroties change. .
I have always been a fun seeker. Even when i had babies i hosted afternoo n gatherings , when the dc were little we did halloween etc , I let dc have all.sorts of mates round. Open house. Fed em all. Am now near 60. Have friends comming for chips n wine at teatime. Am sitting with a musical friend tomorrow as she gigs. In the evening am going to watch live music outdoors in the village.
I very much enjoy change. So am with you op.i have to arrange amd invite , people come of they want. I also need a lot of quiet time, but its good to squeeze stuff out of life. I also ride horses ,knit, read and get piddled . But not at same time.

Often people rely on people like you. I have a mate who if she doesnt be the energy for something ,nothimg happens . Just the way it is . Dont worry.

I don't have kids, work normal hours 8-5, and I rarely want to do anything on a weeknight evening. I'm just mentally drained from work and mostly want silence!

I'll go out on a weeknight maybe once a month for drinks or a meal but definitely wouldn't do it weekly.

How frequently are the meet ups you suggest op? Is it a couple of social things a month? Or every week?

I suppose what I'm saying with my situation is that we don't have a lot of free time after cooking, housework, work including overtime, and seeing family (including ill parents). Your relationship goes a bit shit if you only ever do the grunt work together like Tesco and B&Q. Saying you don't have to do everything with your partner - sometimes "everything" is still not a lot.

@notalwaysalondoner just started a new job and friendly with people there, it’s working from home so no not much social interaction but I don’t think that’s it.. I’m not saying I want every evening packed and it’s not even particularly that I’m desperate to go out in the evenings after work, I also like to chill a lot! It’s just that I also like having friends and seeing people I like and doing things we all enjoy (I think some people further up suggested my friends don’t like the same things as me, they do, I don’t just suggest things because I want to do them and give no option for anything else) And when I say BBQ on the beach, here that isn’t a big deal/anything that requires huge amounts of planning. And I’m never suggesting huge social events or nights out, it is nearly always a walk, coffee, beach when the weather is good.

I actually kind of expected people to be the opposite coming out of lockdown, and I guess some are (but mostly not people on here evidently), that people would be excited to socialise again and do things and get out the house! Wasn’t everyone talking at the start about how we’d never take that for granted again? I guess it’s half and half, some have realised they can do without and are happy to, and some have realised they want to be out and doing all the things we’ve (mostly) been stopped from doing for the past year.

I think you need some new mates up for the kind of socialising you want to do. They will be out there, you may need to put yourself out a bit though. I moved to a new area in my late 20s to be with DP and I found exactly these type of people, who were keen to meet new mates and wanted to go out all the time. Perfect! One of them is still a very close friend.

Ten years on I have some new lovely mum mates, we obviously do kiddie play dates but I've been out for drinks with them twice this week.

Then I have my friends from way back.

It's great to have longstanding friends but sometimes you need friends who fit your stage of life too.

Honestly? We're not done with covid yet and I'm not fully confident out and about. I don't think we should be locking down again, but my 35 year old DH's second jab isn't until August and I definitely think ditching masks and social distancing in 2 weeks will be madness. You may just be willing to do things earlier than others.

Even in my 20s, the last thing I wanted to do after a long day at work is go out. Tv or a book, there was no internet, and a little quiet were all I wanted. I’d plan some weekend activities, but definitely didn’t want to fill every weekend or every minute. I really valued my down time even then.

Are you sure the activities you're suggesting are ones your friends would enjoy? When I was in my twenties, an evening at the beach with a bbq or picnic would have seemed very dull.

@Ellpellwood *Yeah well, I don't want to. Because he's my favourite person to spend time with when I'm not working, cleaning or looking after a toddler.

I suppose what I'm saying with my situation is that we don't have a lot of free time after cooking, housework, work including overtime, and seeing family (including ill parents). Your relationship goes a bit shit if you only ever do the grunt work together like Tesco and B&Q. Saying you don't have to do everything with your partner - sometimes "everything" is still not a lot.*

Howling at part one, sorry. Imagine never wanting to spend time away from your partner. And as for part two, you literally just said if you take your partner out of the equation you have loads of free evening and weekends. Honestly I think your relationship is just as likely to go to shit if you rely on each other too much for company. Spending time apart with other people is so important, it makes you appreciate the time together.

As other posters have said I think you need to widen your search a bit OP and find more than one group of people to meet up with.

Bear in mind that they may want to see their families as well if they haven't been able to during the pandemic restrictions, their priorities may have changed.

ashmts I didn't read ellpellwood's post the same way as you at all - she was saying the opposite!

Howl all you want, love. We've managed pretty well for 20 years.

My point, not that you can arsed to take it in the midst of your mirth, is that plenty of people in the thread said that single people have homes, family and work too. But they don't have the addition of a partner to, for want of a better phrase, find time for.

@ChicChaos

ashmts I didn't read ellpellwood's post the same way as you at all - she was saying the opposite!

Thank you!

[quote JT1994]@dreamingbohemian nothing like that, it’s more that it just feels so one sided and that I’m carrying the conversation, making the effort, which is making me feel down about the chat[/quote]
I'm really sorry OP, I can totally understand how that would make you feel down.

Honestly, from everything you write, it just sounds like your friends are not feeling very sociable these days. Maybe it's lockdown, maybe they're getting older -- most likely it has nothing to do with you, it's them.

You could try talking to them about it? Maybe they don't realise how much they've changed.

Otherwise I do think it's time to make some new friends. Speaking as an old lady : ) it's totally normal for friendships to evolve and for people to need to make new friends. You sound like a really lovely and fun person, I'm sure you can meet some people to do things with. And then you can still see your old friends whenever they are up for it.

just started a new job and friendly with people there, it’s working from home so no not much social interaction but I don’t think that’s it.

I would have throught WFH you're going to have a greater need for social interaction than someone working in an office and having someone around in relationship at home.

Also lockdown is only slowly lifting so maybe it will improve as summer gets closer - but it may well be time to just expand your social group a bit more with hobbies or sport or study rather feel like you're hanging around waiting for these friends to have time for you.

I think the excitement and enthusiasm is the problem.I quite often like to do things but don't like it when somebody is judging my reaction by how enthusiastic I am.I am quite good at looking forward to something without it looking like I'm looking forward to it if you see what I mean.

I also think priorities change around your age. I moved from the majority of my time being with friends and then when I was 27 the majority of my time was with a partner. Then when I had a baby my circle changed again as it was impossible to socialise with people who didn't have children as it was all encompassing. Now my daughter is 10 things have levelled out again and I am seeing more friends and I'm very enthusiastic about things but generally only if they are planned at the weekend.

I think you need to listen to what your friends want and maybe not be as full on. Can you try and plan something for say four weeks time and see what response you get?

I would just join groups and expect way less out of any friends coupled up. Seems easier to achieve to me.

I think in all kindness you just need to expand your social circle to include more people who like doing the same things as you and who aren’t in couples .

I’m the same as your friends, generally can’t be bothered, go out with them occasionally.

@Ilovemycat13

You’re nearly 30, priorities change. I’m 30 and spend a lot of evenings after work (especially after a long day) just chilling at home. The last thing I want is a Friday night out drinking 😂 of course it’ll depend on peoples personalities, but things just.. change. Especially if they have partners.

The last thing you want is a night drinking? At 30? What will you be like at 60?? To be fair, I'm sometimes tired on Friday, but if a friend was keen I'd go if I could go straight after work and be home early or I'd say 'let's do Saturday' when I have more time. At 27 I was able to go out in the week as well. Now in my 40s, I don't have the energy to go out (if it involves a couple of drinks) more than once during the week and probably Friday OR Saturday, but not both, but in my late twenties and thirties I could. I'd expect people OP's age to have the energy to go out during the week, but it does depend how intense/busy their jobs are and obviously single people have more need to go out and socialise than those with a partner at home or a boyfriend living somewhere else.

Your problem is being single when everyone else is coupled up. I had the same problem when I found myself single all of a sudden at the age of 29. People prioritize time with their partners. They're at work all day, they need to exercise, cook, buy houses, take care of family relationships, do hobbies etc, and when they have a spare night they'd rather spend it with their other half. Surely you understand that? It really is disappointing but your lives change massively in your late 20s. So you just need to start dating I'm afraid.

@Ellpellwood

Honestly? We're not done with covid yet and I'm not fully confident out and about. I don't think we should be locking down again, but my 35 year old DH's second jab isn't until August and I definitely think ditching masks and social distancing in 2 weeks will be madness. You may just be willing to do things earlier than others.

Earlier than other people in her age group? I doubt it!