To wonder what everyone is so busy with?

[JT1994]

Or am I just too sociable? I’m 27 and the only single friend but not desperately seeking a relationship. I seem to be, 95% of the time, the only one suggesting plans/enthusiastic about actually doing ANYTHING. I work ful time Monday to Friday, as do most of my friends, except one who doesn’t work much but still never has time or makes effort to see us. She goes off on weekends with her partner which is cool but during the week I’m not sure what she’s so busy with as she has recently moved to the area and isnt hanging out with lots of other friends. It just seems like she can’t really be bothered or just doesn’t want to hang out?

And other friends have other things on top of work (no kids yet) as do I.. but it seems like maybe I just prioritise friends and socialising and doing fun stuff more? Especially now the weather is good. And it’s not that I’m suggesting big wild nights out, that’s not what any of us are really into. Would just love to feel like people are actually keen and enthusiastic for things. I get so excited for an evening at the beach with a bbq or picnic and my friends and to some of them it just seems like they’d prefer to be sat at home watching tv or scrolling social media???

Sometimes the group chat actually really gets me down, purely because I feel like it takes the joy out of things for me, kinda p*ssing on my bonfire feeling. I love my friends but I wish they’d be a bit more enthusiastic and excited and keen about things! Do they just use all that up on their boyfriends or what? Maybe I’ll find out eventually

I think with covid it has really made people have downtime to realise what they don't want to do. It's allowed for many to get out of obligations or focusing time on priorities. As an introvert this has been very welcomed by me. People are busy doing what they want rather than what they don't/feel obligated to.

I get what you mean OP.

I have a job, I'm studying, I have a kid and 2 dogs and I'm always on the go but I always, always make time for my friends. Quite often I end up wanting to spend more time with them than they do me.

I just like being around my pals, it's not unreasonable to want to spend more time with them!

To be honest if I have been busy at work all day, the last thing I want is to get ready for a BBQ or picnic on the beach in the evening, I would rather chill out at home.

Exactly.

Some people have demanding jobs, a long commute, even without kids there is housework- a home to run, a possible early start next morning.
I have never been into doing stuff on a " school night" even when I had no children.

@Zari29

I think with covid it has really made people have downtime to realise what they don't want to do. It's allowed for many to get out of obligations or focusing time on priorities. As an introvert this has been very welcomed by me. People are busy doing what they want rather than what they don't/feel obligated to.

It’s a shame you think keeping up with friends is an obligation. Of course it’s fine to cut down on socialising or say you don’t feel like it sometimes but the way people are talking about OP here it’s as if she’s asking her mates to go on 3 hen dos, a music festival and a holiday in the space of a week. Friends should be people you actively want to spend time with! You never know when you’ll need them. I didn’t think I was unusual or lucky to have friends I could still rely on despite them having homes and partners but perhaps I am!

It’s a shame you think keeping up with friends is an obligation

Introverts can't help feeling that way.

Are our feelings not valid?

Busy doesn’t just mean someone is doing one off a list of legitimate and tangible things- busy just means I don’t want to hang out with you at the thing you’ve suggested, it could be just cos they don’t want to do anything and that’s fine!

Obviously people should make an effort with their friends but you sound a bit demanding and unable to see anyone else’s perspective tbh.

TedMullins - thanks, I’m not judging them, it’s just sometimes I do think they just don’t want to and I’d much rather they were honest! As I am if I don’t feel up to something they suggest (rare because they don’t often suggest things!)

Chihuahuacat - I would suggest them for the weekend but one friend exclusively spends weekends with her partner (which is fine) and other usually does. And have said things like ‘I can’t wait for summer when we can do things in the evenings when it’s nice’ but when I suggest them aren’t keen.

Ted I didn't mean obligation as in a chore, I meant as in I don't feel like socializing but I wouldn't want to let down a friend. I really think this pandemic situation has changed the way people want to make use of their time. Not every one is rushing out to meet up with friends, that they have kept contact with perfectly fine in other ways. I do think that extroverted people really struggled with this the most.

Zingdrama no judgement, sorry if it sounded like that. It just seems sometimes that people are a bit addicted to the ‘oh I’m so busy’ thing and that they really don’t prioritise friends or fun much

@speakout

It’s a shame you think keeping up with friends is an obligation

Introverts can't help feeling that way.

Are our feelings not valid?

I am an introvert. I love spending evenings pottering about by myself, I don’t like big parties and I need time to recharge after socialising.

But my friends aren’t an obligation. They’re people I care about and who care about me. If I’m not feeling up to socialising I tell them the truth. If they felt like an obligation and I made that obvious by always saying I was “busy”, I’d expect to end up alone and friendless and that isn’t a life I want. Being an introvert doesn’t excuse you from making an effort sometimes for people you care about.

LatteLover - I don’t think wanting to socialise with friends and have fun warrants ‘looking at myself’ or finding out what’s going on for me.. I feel like that’s a pretty normal thing for someone in their 20s..

Terrazzo - no as I said none of us have kids. They’re in the same situations as me only difference is long term partners

Speakout - not necessarily, I’m introverted and love time on my own sometimes but I still love spending time with my friends

Being in a relationship definitely changes people's social lives, I'd like to think I still make an effort to keep in touch with my friends, but I have less time available now I'm with someone compared to when I was single. I work shifts so spend some evenings at work, and am an introvert so need at least one evening alone per week.

When I got into my late 20s my social life changed, I used to see some friends every week before then, and now it's more like every month, or sometimes longer. I have also drifted apart from some friends, some who I had been really close to but now are more acquitances rather than friends, no big fall out or anything, just drifted. One of them would always be sat scrolling on her phone like you describe in your OP, so I just stopped asking her to do anything, thought I'd see if she initiated anything and she didn't until nearly a year later when she messaged me saying she missed me, though she'd also just split with her boyfriend (suprise). Anyway, people also started "settling down" and moving to more affordable areas to buy a house. When we were all living at home with our parents, we lived within walking distance of each other, now it's a potential one hour round trip so meet ups need a bit more planning.

When I was single, I planned the week in advance, and would initiate more plans with friends than I do now. I was the only single one for a couple of years, and felt a bit lonely at times, but I kept myself busy with things I could do on my own. I career changed at 26 and then did a lot of overtime at work to save for a house deposit. The gym, running, yoga and swimming were very important to me. I signed up for a few charity events for running and swimming (can't believe I did them now!) which gave me something to focus on and work towards. I joined a walking group where I met a couple of new friends that I wouldn't have met otherwise. I also just started really enjoying my own company, if there was something I wanted to see at the cinema and no one was free then I would just go on my own.

Sorry for the ramble, your social life changing can be hard, I miss the times when I saw my friends more than I do now. It's a normal human thing to want to spend time with friends, we're pack animals at the end of the day (even though I'm also an introvert )

P.S. I'm jealous that you live near the beach!

I have a kid now, but before that when I worked full time I probably only had the mental energy for a weeknight friend "event" every month or so. I wasn't just sat in my pants on social media - I just used to do the meals out and cinema with my husband instead.

@TedMullins

Christ, these replies. So basically you’re all saying that once you’ve got live-in partners and kids you just discard your single friends because you’re “content” and the problem is them for needing “so much going on?” What a depressing indictment of how much you (don’t) value friendships. I hope none of you ever break up with your partners and need those friends. Very glad I don’t know people who think like this

Exactly this; the message seems to be “when I’m in a relationship I don’t NEED my friends so not concerned if they’re lonely, but if I was single I’d want to socialise”. Not factoring in the other persons needs at all which if you’re truly friends with someone you’d want to do as you care about them.

I'm an introvert. I can only manage 1-2 bouts of socialising a week maximum.

I'm not keen on pre-planning social things for weeknights, I'm often knackered from work and need to be up early the next day.

I'm skint, and can't really commit to anything that costs much money.

The next 2 months of weekends are fully booked with various things that were pushed back due to lockdown. I think the next free weekend I have is early August.

Could the above apply to your friends?

Thanks everyone. A bit surprised by some of these replies. Im definitely not demanding, unless just wanting to do nice things with your friends sometimes is demanding? I feel like it’s pretty normal, and I do have one friend who is in a relationship but still nearly always keen to do something if she hasn’t got other plans with family/boyfriend. I also spend a lot of time doing my own thing, have a dog and do walks alone, I’ve travelled alone and been on holiday alone - but I like balance! Being alone by choice is one thing, being alone all the time when you don’t want to be can be lonely. I’m also busy with other life stuff - buying a house and work and walking the dog and exercise and family. But I make time for people I love and enjoy spending time with because that’s what you do isn’t it? I know everyone is different but I just feel that time and effort are some things that all relationships, friends and partners, need - and from both parties.

I would also try not to take it personally OP. You don't know what other people's reasons are, they could be struggling with their mental health or something else that you're not aware of.

If the group chat is upsetting you then maybe take a step back for a while?

Did they used to meet up in the evenings before? I’m a bit like others who have commented, after work I’m usually knackered and would always decline doing stuff after work because I wanted to go home and sleep! It’s not that I’m busy but it’s like my mind was and needed time to decompress (even if that means watching Netflix and scrolling Instagram!)

Definitely becomes an issue if they won’t meet up after work and weekends too. I see it from the other side though, I’d happily spend every weekend just with my husband (part of why I haven’t hated lockdown) but you need to make an effort with everyone in your life you want to maintain a relationship with.

Wonder if there’s something social you could do in the evenings where’d you meet other people who enjoy after work socialising?

Dazzledrop - I really hope that by having this experience as a single person, when/if I do get into a relationship, I might be more mindful of how single friends feel. Sometimes I do think that some people are generally just more mindful of others feelings anyway and maybe this is what gets me down sometimes.. ‘stop expecting you from other people’ is a good quote!

Hobnobs - thanks, the group chat sometimes just gets to me when it’s like I’m the person instigating all conversations, as well as suggesting plans. I think I will take a slight step back from it - normally when I don’t talk for a while it stays dead quiet anyway!

I think when you are single you need a bigger friendship group than most people in couples. Generally those in couples have a bit less time, and less "need" for social contact because a lot of that basic need is fulfilled by the partner. It can feel a bit shit as the single friend, but I guess it's an inevitable truth.

There's nothing wrong with what you want But I think you'd be best to branch out and widen your friendship circle. Might be fun to meet some new people anyway.