To wonder what everyone is so busy with?

[JT1994]

Or am I just too sociable? I’m 27 and the only single friend but not desperately seeking a relationship. I seem to be, 95% of the time, the only one suggesting plans/enthusiastic about actually doing ANYTHING. I work ful time Monday to Friday, as do most of my friends, except one who doesn’t work much but still never has time or makes effort to see us. She goes off on weekends with her partner which is cool but during the week I’m not sure what she’s so busy with as she has recently moved to the area and isnt hanging out with lots of other friends. It just seems like she can’t really be bothered or just doesn’t want to hang out?

And other friends have other things on top of work (no kids yet) as do I.. but it seems like maybe I just prioritise friends and socialising and doing fun stuff more? Especially now the weather is good. And it’s not that I’m suggesting big wild nights out, that’s not what any of us are really into. Would just love to feel like people are actually keen and enthusiastic for things. I get so excited for an evening at the beach with a bbq or picnic and my friends and to some of them it just seems like they’d prefer to be sat at home watching tv or scrolling social media???

Sometimes the group chat actually really gets me down, purely because I feel like it takes the joy out of things for me, kinda p*ssing on my bonfire feeling. I love my friends but I wish they’d be a bit more enthusiastic and excited and keen about things! Do they just use all that up on their boyfriends or what? Maybe I’ll find out eventually

I would suggest them for the weekend but one friend exclusively spends weekends with her partner (which is fine) and other usually does.

I'd stop making an effort with friends like this. Spending the weekend exclusively with your partner is fine, if you're not bothered about keeping your friends 🤷‍♀️.

I work almost full time and spend my time outside of work:

• quality time with my daughter (I appreciate this might not be the case with your group of friends but this time is so precious)
• Keeping fit / exercising (I can meet up with a friend for a run and it ticks the ‘endorphins’ box and the ‘catch up with a friend’ box
• Housework / tedious life admin
• Socialising with friends. I have a few different friendship groups from all walks of life. I don’t see anywhere near as much of them as I did when I was single, child free and lived at home. It sucks but I sincerely hope that none of them think I don’t have time for them if they are going through a bad patch
• Spending quality time with my husband outside of day to day routine, parenting, juggling schedules to make sure everything is done and sleeping. Again, before we had our daughter or even lived together this was so much easier as we both had less commitments.

Can you try to meet up with less of them more often? Eg if Jane and Steph can’t both do Thursday, just go out with whoever can. Then meet the other when they are free. You get two social occasions, they both get to see you, win-win!

the only single friend

This is your answer. They’re not sat at home scrolling through social media or lazing around They’re spending time with their partners. Cooking meals, doing house or garden stuff, maybe a shared hobby. For most people after a busy day at work, this is enough.

We see our other friends with partners every 6 weeks or so, for a full day out; this is enough for us, and works well.

To be honest if you were my friend and you kept suggesting stuff every week, and you weren’t getting the hint that people didn’t seem that keen, I would find that annoying. Maybe find some single friends who are more on your level with socialising.

I know exactly what you mean and I'm not single.
My friends with children would love to meet up and show all the enthusiasm I could desire when they get the chance, but I do have friends with the same type of commitments as me who have just become lazy with the lockdowns...I know this because I have too!
I have not organised anywhere near the level of socialising (this is not exciting activities, just meet ups) that I would have this time last year.
When I do things I enjoy them and am glad I went but my forward planning and spontaneity have gone.
I really hope they come back and I think as time goes on it will, especially when I get my second vaccine and with the weather improving.
Your friends may just need a bit of time to re-set their routines.
But I would definitely be open to spending time with new people too, especially on your weekends if your friends norms seem to be to put coupley things first on the weekend.

Maybe you need a partner (boyfriend/girlfriend, loyal dog, co-dependant sibling/parent, another single needy friend who not looking for a romantic relationship etc... take your pick) because you're obviously not happy in your own solo company and are expecting friends to pick up the slack of you being bored/lonely from not having a life partner to funnel your energy into.

They dont exist for that though, they have their partner and priorities and clingy people who expect their friends to drop everything to be like their 'partner' when they arent their partner is tedious and draining and usually doesnt last long because people cant revolve their life around you.

@JT1994

Zingdrama no judgement, sorry if it sounded like that. It just seems sometimes that people are a bit addicted to the ‘oh I’m so busy’ thing and that they really don’t prioritise friends or fun much

@JT1994

maybe they don't priorities friendships by choice.
or maybe they don't priorities friendships because of circumstances.
you might never know which one, but the worst thing you can do is to take it personally and behave as if they wronged you in any way

and as to fun: surely you realise that what's fun for you might be the last thing someone else wants to do. why judge them and decide that therefore they have a life without fun?
stating "they don't priorities fun" is just dumb...how would you know what fun they actually have that "I'm busy" covers?

as I said sometimes "I'm busy' is true, sometimes it's a polite brush off.
I hate the phrase too. but it's one of those British codes like "I'm fine" and "I'll call you". they usually mean nothing

This is the absolute worst place to ask this question. Most on here don’t answer the front door!

A lot of people think as long as they are being asked to things they’ve got a ‘social life and friends’ thing covered. So you are asking them and they are thinking great I’ve got friends I don’t have to bother actually going.

I think maybe widen your social circle a bit. Join some groups with like minded people if you can. Don’t give up, we have an awful lot of lonely people stashed away on their own in old people homes wondering where it all went wrong.

A friend of mine complained to me about similar some years ago when I had got serious with my boyfriend (now husband). She was annoyed I couldn't see her more and she gave off at me a bit. Fast forward a few years, she meets a man who she started going with, who's now her fiancee. She actually called me and apologised for what she had said, because she understood the strain of work, partner, family, personal life, moving into your house together, social life, friends.
I just think that sometimes when in a relationship its harder to make as much time as before and it's very important to work hard to make the time, but also to understand others will be busy.

I think you're just not as compatible as you maybe thought you were

I have some friends who are constantly social and enthusiastic, those are the type of people you need to meet!

Your friends who won't spend the weekends with anyone other than their partners, when they don't have kids, are a bit unusual I think. I would actually suspect they are blowing you off and hoping eventually you will stop suggesting things (sorry to be blunt)

Welcome to your late twenties! I found this as well that when friends start settling down you generally stop hanging out just for the sake of it. When kids come along it gets even worse and trying to co ordinate diaries is a nightmare! Don’t take it personally OP I think it’s just one of those things that happens naturally.

@TedMullins

Christ, these replies. So basically you’re all saying that once you’ve got live-in partners and kids you just discard your single friends because you’re “content” and the problem is them for needing “so much going on?” What a depressing indictment of how much you (don’t) value friendships. I hope none of you ever break up with your partners and need those friends. Very glad I don’t know people who think like this

I agree with this, there's a lot of smug-coupleness going on with some posts on this thread.

Fair enough, everyone needs friendships that work for them. But some people seem to have no empathy for what it's like to be a bit lonely, and treat single people like weird demanding losers. I wonder how they would manage if they suddenly found themselves single.

Sometimes I am busy eith doing nothing.
Nothing is fully acceptable thing to do and more people should try it.

Maybe spread your want to socialise and do something between more mates.
Like one day do something with x, next with y, once in a while whole group. That's imho the best of compromises. People won't feel overwhelming, you get soicial interaction.

@mam0918

Maybe you need a partner (boyfriend/girlfriend, loyal dog, co-dependant sibling/parent, another single needy friend who not looking for a romantic relationship etc... take your pick) because you're obviously not happy in your own solo company and are expecting friends to pick up the slack of you being bored/lonely from not having a life partner to funnel your energy into.

They dont exist for that though, they have their partner and priorities and clingy people who expect their friends to drop everything to be like their 'partner' when they arent their partner is tedious and draining and usually doesnt last long because people cant revolve their life around you.

Wow, is the concept of a friend so unimportant to you that you just see them as placeholders in life until you get a partner? What a depressing attitude. Friends (true friends) want to spend time together, it’s nothing to do with fillip a gap. Partners shouldn’t fill a gap anyway, they should be a bonus addition!

People in relationships can also be bored and lonely, you know. Having a partner but no friends is also a pretty lonely existence. You can prioritise both, which is healthy. Being single does not equate to being needy or a failure or just sat waiting for a partner to come along. OP wants to spend time with her friends, that’s hardly a radical concept!

I'm 30, so not much different in terms of age. I'm often busy on weekday evenings. Sometimes it's working late, sometimes it's because I've got to work on a house project, other times it's because of an appointment or hobby.

I would suggest them for the weekend but one friend exclusively spends weekends with her partner (which is fine) and other usually does.

Maybe there are using the week evenings for the housework, over time, DIY, cooking, hobbies or even study if they are busy at weekends all the time - though have you asked about occasional weekend meet ups?

I don't think your unreasonable to want to see friends at some point - so perhaps it's time to try widening your friendship group and find people who do have time to do things with you.

lavender - wow. If you were my friend and you kept fobbing me off expecting me to take the hint instead of just telling me you didn’t want to hang out then I don’t think I’d want you as a friend either!

(Not criticising all couples by the way. I've got some brilliant friendships with people in couples, whether I'm single or not at the time. Sometimes meeting often, sometimes meeting just occasionally. But they are all people who value friendship, rather than seeing as bottom of their list of priorities.)

Also. I dropped (and I am not even single) some friends who basically refused to socialise without their partner. It became ridiculous
"Are you free tue evening? Maybe have a dinner?"
"Oooh yeah! I am! I have to check if X is off though"
I just let it simmer out. Some people turn into someone completely different and incapable of socialising without the ither half. Bit sad, but as long as they are happy

Maybe they don't like midweek meet ups? I value my evening just to decompress after work, have a bath, dinner and Mumsnet. If we socialise at the weekend I try to spread it out too so that we have some downtime as well.

I will socialise midweek if people can't meet on a weekend but it does feel like a lot of effort for me. I know a lot of people my age would agree (and we're a similar age).

@mam0918 think that’s maybe a bit harsh. As I said I do have a dog and I do spend a lot of time on my own and am happy doing so. I’m not expecting my friends to fill every spare minute of mine, just to want to hang out sometimes and do some fun things together.. which I think is pretty normal of friends to do. I’m not clingy, I’m actually the only one of my friends who WOULD go for a hike alone, go to the cinema alone. So thanks but I think you’ve very much got me wrong

@Lavender201

the only single friend

This is your answer. They’re not sat at home scrolling through social media or lazing around They’re spending time with their partners. Cooking meals, doing house or garden stuff, maybe a shared hobby. For most people after a busy day at work, this is enough.

We see our other friends with partners every 6 weeks or so, for a full day out; this is enough for us, and works well.

To be honest if you were my friend and you kept suggesting stuff every week, and you weren’t getting the hint that people didn’t seem that keen, I would find that annoying. Maybe find some single friends who are more on your level with socialising.

You sound horrid tbh. Why do you view single people with such contempt? Why are they in the wrong for wanting to see their friends? Do you never laze around scrolling on your phone or is every second of your time taken up with important special couple activities?

Single people also run homes, do DIY and have hobbies, look after their pets, some even have kids! I know, shocking right? They’re not all sat at home weeping into their big knickers in a decaying wedding dress like miss havisham.

I honestly hope such sanctimonious people like you don’t mind the thought of being cast out by your couple mates if you ever become single, although with your attitude I’m surprised anyone, single or not, would want to be friends with you.

@dreamingbohemian no, they really do just spend the weekends with their partners. Thankfully they aren’t awful friends who sneak around doing things with other friends - we all joke about how few friends we have and when they do see other friends or people from work they dont hide it. That would be pretty weird as I would never care at all

Having this kind of social life is alien to me now as I had four kids in my 20s and most of my friends have children too so my social life is with other mums around child based stuff. Meeting without kids for fun stuff is very rare for me. I think it's normal now and again and great if you've all got time, but it doesn't seem a typical thing to be meeting up to go the beach with friends regularly in your late 20s.

I think you might feel different if you were not single.

I meet up properly with my friends (all age 28-36) about once a month/six weeks (maybe less often) and this is more than enough. I do meet up much more often with friends and the dc but this is more of a “fancy a cuppa while the dc play in the garden?” type thing and usually arranged on the day!

In general, we have group chats and text most days but after a long day at work, the thought of having to go out again for an event that requires effort e.g. to the beach/out for a picnic (even if I didn’t have a family) would not be fun.

Maybe try arranging more informal meet ups like popping over for a a glass of wine/coffee etc. :)

@TedMullins thank you! Crazy how people translate me wanting my friends to put a little effort in rather than just me suggesting plans all the time to - I want my friends to entertain me every minute of the day when I’m not at work!

Yes - I also have lots to do, I exercise a lot, have a dog, have family to see, am buying a house and planning lots to do with that. Crazy that a single person isn’t just crying into their big knickers hey?