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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend and I not speaking - who should apologise?

306 replies

AudacityBaby · 04/06/2021 11:10

I’ve NC for this but a regular user.

I’m infertile and my friend has a toddler and a baby.

I was complaining to her about a work policy that was introduced in March 2020 that allowed those with caring responsibilities to halve their hours on full pay, whilst expecting those without caring responsibilities to pick up the normal workload and additional work created by COVID for no extra pay. A great policy but a pretty unbalanced impact.

The trade off we were told was that everyone working half hours would have to use their annual leave so that those working overtime could be prioritised for longer periods of rest. The problem is that this wasn’t enforced by the employer and now those who are back are insisting on using their annual leave for large stretches of the summer to cover childcare. Which is fair enough, but once again those without are being told that they’ll need to cover and that their break can be September onwards.

Anyway… I was saying to my friend that I’m knackered now and don’t know whether it’s time to look for another job. She said that in her view people with kids are doing something useful for society and therefore the role of those without is to assist them in doing that. I was surprised and said that I didn’t consider my role in life was to help parents, particularly - I’ll help others of course, that’s part of being in a society, but that’s not my purpose! I have my own things too.

She said that childless people aren’t contributing to society long-term and therefore they should be expected to help out like this in times of crisis and not try and attack parents who are doing the best they can and providing for everyone’s future. She also said it’s anti-feminist to refuse to help out as the COVID burden fell mostly on women with children.

I told her how hurt I was at how she apparently viewed my life and we’re not currently speaking. AIBU to be so upset? Is this just something I should chalk up to everyone having had a horrible year and perhaps saying insensitive things? Or is this a sign that we’ve outgrown each other? We’re not as close as we used to be and maybe we just don’t see things the same way.

And no, this isn’t a reverse - I hate the bloody things!

YABU - friend has a point / you’re being petty and need to just let it g
YANBU - friend was insensitive and should be the first to reach out

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 04/06/2021 11:13

Your friend was insensitive but sometimes people disagree.

Do you want to carry on the friendship? Get back in touch if you do. You can agree to disagree.

mildlymiffed · 04/06/2021 11:14

YANBU. Think your friend was being deeply insensitive.

And I think it's a shitty policy that unfairly dumps on those without kids. Sounds too heavily weighted towards those who do. Think employer should have found another way!

TimeForTeaAndG · 04/06/2021 11:14

I have a child and I think that's a ridiculous policy.

OrangeRug · 04/06/2021 11:16

I think what she said was awful.

VeganCheesePlease · 04/06/2021 11:16

What your friend said is mad insensitive. I can totally understand why you're upset. I agree with PP that this is up to you whether you want to continue the friendship. You have not done wrong at all.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/06/2021 11:17

I cant vote either way as there is too much to unpick here so I'll summarise.

  1. The workplace policy is fucking batshit
  2. It is not the sole job of the childless or the childfree to prop up the lives of those who have kids
  3. The fallout from covid surrounding addition caring burdens did fall, in the main, on women
  4. Having kids or not having kids doesnt increase/decrease your contribution to society. In fact, some may argue that the world is overpopulated and more kids = greater environmental burden.
  5. I am really sorry to hear that you had to have this conversation with someone who has kids, and you cannot, and have her have that opinion of the childless/childfree. She is at best thoughtless, and at worst, nasty.
Brefugee · 04/06/2021 11:17

Blimey, OP. Have you requested holiday and it's been turned down?

My reaction to that would to be to send my boss and HR copies of the agreement and asking them to keep their word.

TimeForTeaAndG · 04/06/2021 11:18

Also, working half your hours by using annual leave isn't the same as getting paid full time for fewer hours. Working half for full wage still gives you AL allowance to use when you need it.

Your employer sounds very unsure of what they've actually offered or they've worded it extremely badly.

Didiusfalco · 04/06/2021 11:18

I think I’d find a new job and a new friend. Yes, people do have different views, but who needs someone in their life who is so fundamentally insensitive?

paralysedbyinertia · 04/06/2021 11:19

Your friend was being a twat. I'm not sure that the friendship is worth preserving tbh, it doesn't sound like she has any respect for you and your life choices.

As a parent, I recognise that non-parents have lives and responsibilities too. I don't expect my needs and wellbeing to be prioritised over theirs.

oldperson1 · 04/06/2021 11:19

Agree with you re the work policy bonkers, your friend was very insensitive especially if she is aware of your infertility!
I suppose it depends on how much you want to continue the friendship, personally I wouldn’t apologize but maybe just agree to disagree.
Hope you get your work situation sorted.

HoboSexualOnslow · 04/06/2021 11:20

I wouldn't be able to get over a 'friend' saying my life was worthless because I haven't procreated. I have had this said to me before and it's not easily forgotten.
I'm not here to assist with your children wtf

RosaBudDrood · 04/06/2021 11:20

She said that childless people aren’t contributing to society long-term

Pathetic. I'd knock her on the head completely.

Wearywithteens · 04/06/2021 11:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Babyboomtastic · 04/06/2021 11:22

What she said is insensitive, but I'm guessing that it was in the context of an argument in which you both spoke, so without knowing what you said to her, I'm not going to judge.

No, it's not the job of people without children to prop up the lives of people that have children. Saying that, practically, an element of that was necessary at the begining of the pandemic, to allow people to balance childcare and work, in an exceptional emergency situation.

paralysedbyinertia · 04/06/2021 11:22

Sorry, I missed the fact that you mentioned infertility in your OP. That just makes it worse tbh.

Chloemol · 04/06/2021 11:22

YANBU. Your friend is a twat

You may like to pint out to her that actually you are doing the world a favour as having children is one of the worst things for the environment!

Everyone plays a part on society and no one group is better than another. Children are parents responsibility, not the responsibility of society at large. Childless people can have other responsibilities than children, and provide different aspects to society and she is stupid if she doesn't understand that

Personally I would leave her to it let her make the first move and if she doesn’t apologise withdraw from the friendship. Life is to short to have people like her as a friend

AryaStarkWolf · 04/06/2021 11:23

He opinions are very insulting and superior imo and I do have kids as well. She was bang out of order especially since I assume she knows that you can't actually have kids

Nogoodusername · 04/06/2021 11:24

Ditch the friend and the job

Chikapu · 04/06/2021 11:25

She said that childless people aren’t contributing to society long-term

Ah she's one of those people that think having children elevates her to some saintly status. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone with such a shitty attitude.

Original poster
AudacityBaby · 04/06/2021 11:26

Thanks all! Wasn’t expecting so many replies so quickly - will try to keep up!

Work never wrote down the precise policy which is part of the issue - they just asked that parents indicate on their time sheets where they needed their hours topped up. They weren’t expected to use annual leave for the top ups but they were apparently told to use the majority of their allowance during the period March-May so that those working full time could take priority for annual leave after that.

I agree that work hasn’t handled this well.

My friend doesn’t know about the infertility and is pretty blunt as a person. I’ve suspected we’ve outgrown each other and this may be the final nail as it were.

I don’t really want to find another job as I like this one but for this issue. Interesting to see that other workplaces didn’t do something similar for their staff during COVID!

OP posts:
TheChiefJo · 04/06/2021 11:27

YANBU.

KitNCaboodle · 04/06/2021 11:27

Oh goodness me. She has a bee in her bonnet doesn’t she?
Coming from someone with 3 children, your friend is being incredibly narrow minded. Your job sounds like they don’t know what they’re doing. How can people who continued to work full time not be prioritised for annual leave? Nonsense.

TheChiefJo · 04/06/2021 11:29

Posted too soon.

You already sound considerate and understanding. You are right that assisting others is not your purpose, though. She should apologise. If she doesn't, she isn't a great mate. I'd chalk it down to drift apart.

Triffid1 · 04/06/2021 11:29

Unfortunately, this is often the attitude of both people who have kids and companies who only allow flexibility for child-caring reasons.

Your friend is very unlikely to change her mind. She absolutely and truly believes that parents should be treated differently and that the rest of the adult population must always, and consistently, accommodate them, even to their own detriment. So I'd say she should apologise but you should accept this friendship may have run its course.