Friend and I not speaking - who should apologise?

[AudacityBaby]

I’ve NC for this but a regular user.

I’m infertile and my friend has a toddler and a baby.

I was complaining to her about a work policy that was introduced in March 2020 that allowed those with caring responsibilities to halve their hours on full pay, whilst expecting those without caring responsibilities to pick up the normal workload and additional work created by COVID for no extra pay. A great policy but a pretty unbalanced impact.

The trade off we were told was that everyone working half hours would have to use their annual leave so that those working overtime could be prioritised for longer periods of rest. The problem is that this wasn’t enforced by the employer and now those who are back are insisting on using their annual leave for large stretches of the summer to cover childcare. Which is fair enough, but once again those without are being told that they’ll need to cover and that their break can be September onwards.

Anyway… I was saying to my friend that I’m knackered now and don’t know whether it’s time to look for another job. She said that in her view people with kids are doing something useful for society and therefore the role of those without is to assist them in doing that. I was surprised and said that I didn’t consider my role in life was to help parents, particularly - I’ll help others of course, that’s part of being in a society, but that’s not my purpose! I have my own things too.

She said that childless people aren’t contributing to society long-term and therefore they should be expected to help out like this in times of crisis and not try and attack parents who are doing the best they can and providing for everyone’s future. She also said it’s anti-feminist to refuse to help out as the COVID burden fell mostly on women with children.

I told her how hurt I was at how she apparently viewed my life and we’re not currently speaking. AIBU to be so upset? Is this just something I should chalk up to everyone having had a horrible year and perhaps saying insensitive things? Or is this a sign that we’ve outgrown each other? We’re not as close as we used to be and maybe we just don’t see things the same way.

And no, this isn’t a reverse - I hate the bloody things!

YABU - friend has a point / you’re being petty and need to just let it g
YANBU - friend was insensitive and should be the first to reach out

Oh @AudacityBaby good luck with finding a job in a workplace which is not so out & out discriminatory. Everyone has the right to a private domestic life - even those who have not done the animal thing of breeding.

Please only work your absolutely essential hours & do nothing extra either for your firm, your managers, or the entitled parents who think their home lives, health & well-being are worth more than yours.

Oh what a nightmare. I take there's still no alternative compensation for the rest of you ito time off/additional pay etc? nightmare.

I'm sorry to hear things have ended with your friend. But not surprised. I was on the thread from the start (different name) and it was clear she was one of those women who thinks being a parent (mother) means that no one else is ever allowed to complain/expect any kind of understanding. Im' sorry for your loss though - losing a longstanding friendship is always painful.

If someone said thus to me, including the update, I would tell them to eff off. I'm childfree but also suffering from mental health issues. As an essential worker, ( I work in retail) I worked all through the pandemic including all through lockdown despite my anxiety and depression ramping up to eleven. I had constant insomnia due to my anxiety being so bad, but I still forced myself into work cuz I was needed due to colleagues being off sick or having to isolate.

After everything calmed down a bit, I took holiday in order to rest and recharge. Had anyone told me that I wasn't as tired or stressed as a parent, I probably would have slapped them. To add to that, I'm a vulnerable person ( autistic) which is why I got my vaccine early.

She’s a twat

Your friend is an nasty, stupid, insensitive, idiotic woman and I would cut the friendship off immediately. People who are that stupid shouldn't even procreate

Sorry to hear about the infertility.

I have a child and I think that’s a badly thought, unfair, policy that will cause a lot of resentment (and probably lead to parents being indirectly discriminated against, I mean why promote the pregnant woman in an office with this policy if you could instead promote someone who’ll do full hours). I suspect the policy isn’t even legal.

Your friend is really rude and also dim. Is ridiculous to say only parents are contributing to society long term. Not sure that contributing to overpopulation is particularly noble. I don’t know if she knows you have infertility but if she does that that was even more hurtful in quite a shocking way

It’s not for you to apolgise.

I don’t think I could consider her much of a friend after this.