Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and trans child...what to do?

422 replies

Fiddlediddleriddle · 04/06/2021 07:40

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

DS2 announced they were trans woman (so identify as a woman and that is how I will refer to them in this post from now on) nearly 2 years ago. I mean I say announced, she has asd and we have had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal. It's been hugely difficult for the whole family as you can imagine.

DP (not the father of my dc) hates it with a passion and does not support it. After lots of difficult times, will now not call dc after birth given name but won't use chosen name (even though this is a name that isn't gender specific).

Things are calmer, dd is now 16 and has plans for college, but it is unlikely that they will be independent enough to leave home certainly not without some supported or assisted living. My heart breaks when I think about how tough things are for her and how tough they will be especially being trans.

Last night dp asked something that I needed to mention dd to him. He ended up really cross as apparently I used female pronouns too often just to make a point and told me exactly how I could have phrased it differently. I didn't even notice...I mentioned the gender of my DS and it wasn't a problem as they are not trans. I was just making comment on something and used her and she because she is my child and I will love and support her whatever.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. We have been together 8 years (known for longer) and if dd doesn't leave home for many years am I going to be expected to tiptoe round dp at all times when in my own home discussing my own child?

I don't know if DD will stay trans there are so many many issues but to me it doesn't matter I will love and support her whatever. We are on a waiting list for specialist counselling to help her unravel her feelings and she has support groups and CAMHS and school online support. Who knows what the future holds but she is my child, she is kind and gentle and so so funny and so so confused about herself and her life and desperately trying to find a place to fit in.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/06/2021 07:42

Trans matter specific aside, I could not have someone in my home and in my bed who had such disdain for my child. How can you even look at him? He doesnt even use your childs name.

nimbuscloud · 04/06/2021 07:44

I think you know you have to put your child first. If that means ending your relationship that’s the choice you have to make.

IggyAce · 04/06/2021 07:46

Honestly you choose your child and split from him. It’s no way to live and is possibly only going to get worst when he realises that dd isn’t going to be moving out anytime soon.

honeygirlz · 04/06/2021 07:46

Trans matter aside also, your DP should be supporting you not taking his feelings out on you. Tell him explicitly the impact of his behaviour and that you will end things if he doesn’t change.

SnarkyBag · 04/06/2021 07:47

As above I won’t get into the trans issue but yes I would probably break up over this just purely because it’s a stressful dynamic and what’s the point in living with all that tension.

Teach234 · 04/06/2021 07:48

I couldn't be with someone who treated my child like that.

MakkaPakkas · 04/06/2021 07:50

He sounds awful. Is he like this about anything else?
It sounds like you and your daughter have had a very rough few years 💐

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 04/06/2021 07:53

I couldn’t be with someone who treated my child like that. I have trouble believing this man isn’t a prick in other ways too. Life is way too short to be with someone so fucking awful.

I hope your daughter’s life starts getting easier soon.

Melitza · 04/06/2021 07:54

Choose your dc.
She is entitled to your wholehearted support and your dp will negatively affect your relationship with her.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 04/06/2021 07:55

I don't necessarily think your parenting approach is the best one BUT it's the one you've decided on and your partner has to support you in that, or clear out. It's his right to think you're approaching it wrong but he doesn't have the right to stay around and berate you for it.

MinnieMountain · 04/06/2021 07:57

I’ve been a step-child twice. ALWAYS support your child over your partner.

PorridgeGoneWrong · 04/06/2021 07:59

Sorry, your partner is hugely disrespectful and unsupportive of your and your children.

He either grows up or the relationship should end.

Give him (gently) a timeline for the above.

Sumerisicumenin · 04/06/2021 07:59

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more

Whatever you decide to do, I’m 100% behind you for this statement.
Over and over again, online and in real life, I meet parents who don’t have that clarity or who choose a partner over their child.

MouseInCatsClaws · 04/06/2021 07:59

Flowers for you and your daughter, what a difficult time you've been having.
Lay it out for your partner, if he relationship is to survive, he needs to change his behaviour. And if he won't, he needs to go. I hope he steps up.

JillsFlapjacks · 04/06/2021 07:59

You have very different views on how to deal with this issue. It doesn't sound like it will be sustainable relationship long term. And your child shouldn't live in a home with someone who is acting towards them how he is. That isn't going to help matters.

Warmduscher · 04/06/2021 07:59

I completely agree with pp that I couldn’t be with someone so disrespectful to my child.

Having said that, maybe if you’ve told him you’re not sure if your child will “stay trans”, it’s led him to think it’s just a phase?

mindutopia · 04/06/2021 08:00

Your dp would have been out the door with the door locked behind him the very first time he used the wrong name or pronouns intentionally, if I were you. Your children come first. No wonder your dd has had such a tough time, with someone like that in her life being so cruel.

TheGumption · 04/06/2021 08:01

No comment on the trans issue but you should always chose your child over a man.

Coldilox · 04/06/2021 08:01

Your daughter needs you on her side 100%.

You need to leave your DP.

donquixotedelamancha · 04/06/2021 08:03

LTB (I think that's the second time I've said that in a decade).

He's allowed to feel uncomfortable or worry your child is making a mistake transitioning but not even using her name is not that- it's contempt.

Sir him down and make clear that he needs to change or you are done. If he can't start having adult, calm conversations and he doesn't treat your child with respect immediately then he needs to go.

Taliskerskye · 04/06/2021 08:04

Even if it’s a phase your DP. Should be supporting you
Not making your life harder.
Sadly I think you know what you have to do.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 04/06/2021 08:05

@Warmduscher

I completely agree with pp that I couldn’t be with someone so disrespectful to my child.

Having said that, maybe if you’ve told him you’re not sure if your child will “stay trans”, it’s led him to think it’s just a phase?

Nobody can be sure a teenager will stay trans.
HariboBrenshnio · 04/06/2021 08:05

Your daughter sounds like she's going to need continued support for many years to come and that in itself will be exhausting, as much as you love her. Dealing with your DPs complete disregard for her and total lack of understanding and empathy is something on top you do not need. I'd be separating from this man for my daughters and my own well-being. I imagine a much calmer home once he's gone.

Well done OP for the wonderful support you've given your daughter so far.

SuperMonkeys · 04/06/2021 08:08

I completely agree with you. I am firmly gender critical in this regard, but your daughter should be free to experiment with who she is and wants to be. I would not encourage any permanent changes, especially given her ASD, but if she wants to call herself another name etc then crack on.

I couldn't continue to be in a relationship with someone like this. While I am sceptical about the current trans movement, this is not just because it is "weird" or whatever.

CrazyNeighbour · 04/06/2021 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread