DP and trans child...what to do?

[Fiddlediddleriddle]

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

DS2 announced they were trans woman (so identify as a woman and that is how I will refer to them in this post from now on) nearly 2 years ago. I mean I say announced, she has asd and we have had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal. It's been hugely difficult for the whole family as you can imagine.

DP (not the father of my dc) hates it with a passion and does not support it. After lots of difficult times, will now not call dc after birth given name but won't use chosen name (even though this is a name that isn't gender specific).

Things are calmer, dd is now 16 and has plans for college, but it is unlikely that they will be independent enough to leave home certainly not without some supported or assisted living. My heart breaks when I think about how tough things are for her and how tough they will be especially being trans.

Last night dp asked something that I needed to mention dd to him. He ended up really cross as apparently I used female pronouns too often just to make a point and told me exactly how I could have phrased it differently. I didn't even notice...I mentioned the gender of my DS and it wasn't a problem as they are not trans. I was just making comment on something and used her and she because she is my child and I will love and support her whatever.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. We have been together 8 years (known for longer) and if dd doesn't leave home for many years am I going to be expected to tiptoe round dp at all times when in my own home discussing my own child?

I don't know if DD will stay trans there are so many many issues but to me it doesn't matter I will love and support her whatever. We are on a waiting list for specialist counselling to help her unravel her feelings and she has support groups and CAMHS and school online support. Who knows what the future holds but she is my child, she is kind and gentle and so so funny and so so confused about herself and her life and desperately trying to find a place to fit in.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

Anyone who does not support your parenting, and your child, should be out on their ear x

If you go through the thread, the number of people disagreeing with the way the OP’s partner is behaving far outweighs the others. Are we reading the same thread?

I didn't say anything about the number of people there are some, those are the ones I'm referring to.

Absolutely I agree your child comes before your partner, no question. This man needs to go.

But while it’s obvious you are acting in what you believe to be your child’s best interests, “affirming” your child in this way might not be the best thing for them after all, because that brings its own pitfalls, just as refusing to even listen to them does.

A lot of autistic teens in particular are very vulnerable to transgenderist ideology and the fact this only started in Y9 also raises red flags for me. Children are having this ideology pushed on them in schools, by their peers, and online, and it can seem like a very clear and simple solution to other issues (especially to an autistic teen) when in fact it is simply masking those other issues.

I know you just want to keep your child safe and give them your unconditional love and support, which of course I fully understand and appreciate. But what if going down this affirmation route is not actually the best thing for them long term? It feels to me like you’ve bought into one perspective on this, which is easily done these days, but there are actually other perspectives. Perspectives which might offer more hope for your child’s long term safety and well being - but you’ll never know unless you consider them.

I would really recommend the Bayswater parents’ support group:

bayswatersupport.org.uk/

• it’s by and for parents in exactly your position, other parents who also love their children deeply and want the best for them. Have a read and see if there’s anything helpful to you there. (Don’t be put off by the name, it originated in Bayswater but is now a nationwide organisation.)

And of course I agree with everyone else that your partner is not a good man to have around your children and you need to choose them over him. Perhaps if your child is no longer having to share a home with somebody they don’t feel fundamentally safe with, there might be some breathing space for you both (you and your child) to step back from all these issues. I can’t see how your partner is anything but a negative force in terms of your child.

He can have an opinion all he wants but someone who is that rude to your child is not someone who should be around them.

@Greygreenblue

This is really the wrong forum to be asking for advice on, the TERF movement is shockingly strong here.

OP Look at the suicide statistics for trans kids who are not supported by their families vs. those that are. Then ask yourself the question again. By staying with this man, what is it doing to your child’s mental health?

TERF is a slur.

Also, maybe read the actual thread? Before you come on with your kneejerk insults.

He does not accept your child, so for me there is no option but to end the relationship.

My children come before any man, even if he waa the bio dad, life is going to be hard for your dd, she needs all the support she can, without her own family treating her that way.

He would have been out of my home a long time ago.

Gentle hugs 💐

Don't engage with people who can't discuss things like normal human beings and have to sling 'TERF' out. Report and ignore. They have nothing to offer.

@ThursdayWeld

Just because something happened in your family, *@RedToothBrush*, doesn't give you the power to say it happens in all families.

It is, ironically, a very doctrinaire view.

You know, family collapse and alienation is pretty typical though. Its more, not less, likely in families where someone comes out as trans.

Its also not necessary something that happens initially.

The happy family narrative is the one thats pushed with the idea that there is an 'evil bigot' who destroyed the family, if it does happen. Its not that simple. Really its not.

If you had known me and my family previously, you would have said that we'd 100% be the accepting happy family that could cope with it.

Thats just not true.

The reality is, it is a relationship bomb. It has the power to obliterate them completely. Not through malice and nastiness. But really more through frustration, guilt, pain and ongoing lingering what ifs.

I wish this narrative was accurately reflected and people were more honest about it - precisely so it stop the issue happening to such a high percentage of families who find themselves in this situation.

It comes back to my point about honesty.

We know there is a problem with family alienation and trans.

What we don't properly know is whats causing it, in an unbiased factual way. I'm putting my money on communication breakdown. Not malice and 'hate' as its so frequently framed.

Its just not that simple.

The fact we dont want to acknowledge this and insist on the charade of playing 'happy families' is more the point.

It can be made all consuming. Thats not healthy and i do think long term - particularly when people start families of their own - if it is all consuming it comes out in the wash so to speak.

@Greygreenblue

This is really the wrong forum to be asking for advice on, the TERF movement is shockingly strong here.

OP Look at the suicide statistics for trans kids who are not supported by their families vs. those that are. Then ask yourself the question again. By staying with this man, what is it doing to your child’s mental health?

It didn't take long for the suicide lies to be added to the thread.

OP, support your DC as best you can and be mindful of their mental health, but please don't allow anyone to manipulate you with dishonest emotional blackmail about suicide stats.

Gumption I've reported.

It is very difficult I'd be rethinking the relationship if he isn't prepared to try.

My DD is 12 ASD she was non binary for 2years she doesn't know what she is, she's female emo now, born female.
Her Dad refused to engage and completely ignored it.
I'm glad she didn't go further but has potential again.
You're terrified of talking to the DC they'll take it personally if you try balance it out and feel unaccepted by you but at the same time you're trying to save them.
As an adult he needs to get on side.
The links with ASD and transsexual teenagers is huge.
In my DD case she felt like a misfit and decided it must be a wrong body issue.

Greygreenblue

Although I agree with your comment re mental health and how it could affect this child.

The suicide statistics of trans people have been mauled so much that it is a pointless reference.

@Babdoc

Your DP may be unpleasant, and he may be expressing it clumsily, but ironically he is absolutely right, in that humans can’t change sex. By uncritically accepting your child’s claim to be trans, when they obviously have mental health issues and autism, which are a much more likely cause for their jumping on that particular bandwagon, you are doing them a grave disservice- and you risk encouraging them towards a lifetime of ill health and wrong sex hormones. If your child was anorexic, would you “support” them by agreeing they were fat, and encouraging a starvation diet? Ironically, I think your DP is right, but is going about it the wrong way - both of you need to engage gently with your child’s beliefs and unpick their confusion between dated gender stereotypes and sex. It is all too easy for distressed autistic, gay, or depressed children to think that becoming trans will solve all their problems or give them a trendy group to fit into. Actively encouraging them is categorically not being a good parent.

Yes let's keep the abusive male in the house with the vulnerable teen who makes them feel like shit in their own home.

Regardless of whether or not you agree with the OP and her child's doctrine the fact you agree with the man who quite clearly detests the child and is making home life intolerable speaks more about you than it does about them.

You have no idea what is going on in that house and what the OP is doing with her child. To compare transgenderism to anorexia really isn't the one. Many people live as the opposite sex and have done for decades. This child may be confused, they may also be transgender - it is not for you to encourage their Mother to keep her abusive partner who has no respect for said child in the house because you agree with his ideology. Moreover, who the hell gives you the right to classify someone as a good or not parent?

RedToothBrush

We know there is a problem with family alienation and trans.

This is more than likely because anything else than total acceptance is seen as being transphobic.

Maybe just maybe, if an open and honest discussion about this was allowed then some form of acceptance by both sides could be reached.

I feel really bad for asd kids, they are being targeted and manipulated on mass. It's quite sad and we are going to look back at this in 10 - 15 years and see how exploitive it was.

Your dd is suicidal your dp makes her feel bad and won't even refer to her by name. However hard it is you know what you have to do OP or else you could be on MN in a few months time upset your dd has taken her own life because your dp is so horrible to her at a time in her life when she is screaming out for love and support.

If your dd is confused and at a later date wanted to go back to being a male again, as many trans do, how could that happen in the environment she is living in with dp?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Trans matter specific aside, I could not have someone in my home and in my bed who had such disdain for my child. How can you even look at him? He doesnt even use your childs name.

Agree totally.

He has to go.

@Greygreenblue

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Utter shite The majority of people on here have been helpful and supportive so F right off with your TERF slurs. Yes, some of us are GC but the majority are also Mums who want the best for our children and have advised OP to put their child first I’m sorry if that doesn’t fit with your MN as a hotbed of Transphobia narrative (Im actually not)

Oh get rid of him OP. Our children always come first. They only have 1 life, dont let DD grow up being mocked and made to feel abnormal in her own home.

OP.

I don’t think I could put up with a dp that didn’t get in with my dc so for that reason I would end it.

It is hard when you have dc with ASD, I have been single for over 5 years, have tried introducing new partners to my dc (both ASD) and it hasn’t worked out, I have now come to the conclusion that I can’t have a relationship involving my dc’s because no one truly gets my dc and their behaviours. Dd1 is Pansexual and has quite strong views around trans rights and LGBT+, I think if someone living in our home was disagreeing with her views and not allowing her to feel comfortable being her i would not be able to have them in my home.

"But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. "

No. This is your child's life if you stay with this man. That is what is important here. How you haven't got rid of him already is beyond me.

"I do love him but I love my dc more."

Then show it.