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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and trans child...what to do?

422 replies

Fiddlediddleriddle · 04/06/2021 07:40

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

DS2 announced they were trans woman (so identify as a woman and that is how I will refer to them in this post from now on) nearly 2 years ago. I mean I say announced, she has asd and we have had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal. It's been hugely difficult for the whole family as you can imagine.

DP (not the father of my dc) hates it with a passion and does not support it. After lots of difficult times, will now not call dc after birth given name but won't use chosen name (even though this is a name that isn't gender specific).

Things are calmer, dd is now 16 and has plans for college, but it is unlikely that they will be independent enough to leave home certainly not without some supported or assisted living. My heart breaks when I think about how tough things are for her and how tough they will be especially being trans.

Last night dp asked something that I needed to mention dd to him. He ended up really cross as apparently I used female pronouns too often just to make a point and told me exactly how I could have phrased it differently. I didn't even notice...I mentioned the gender of my DS and it wasn't a problem as they are not trans. I was just making comment on something and used her and she because she is my child and I will love and support her whatever.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. We have been together 8 years (known for longer) and if dd doesn't leave home for many years am I going to be expected to tiptoe round dp at all times when in my own home discussing my own child?

I don't know if DD will stay trans there are so many many issues but to me it doesn't matter I will love and support her whatever. We are on a waiting list for specialist counselling to help her unravel her feelings and she has support groups and CAMHS and school online support. Who knows what the future holds but she is my child, she is kind and gentle and so so funny and so so confused about herself and her life and desperately trying to find a place to fit in.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

OP posts:
SuperstoreFan · 04/06/2021 08:47

Your DP sounds like a twat, he needs to either support you and your DD or fuck off.

TheChild · 04/06/2021 08:47

Why are you with this man?! What a horrible environment for your child to grow up in. She must feel the hostility from him a mile off, I can feel it from your short post!

Please ditch him, and continue to support your child and provide them the love abd support they need.

Washimal · 04/06/2021 08:50

You need to put your Daughter first, which means LTB. All the support she is recieving for her Mental Health will be ineffective if she's living with or regularly spending time with an adult who is emotionally abusive towards her.

copperpotsalot · 04/06/2021 08:50

This is a child who has attempted suicide. He should be happy to refer to her as any bloody thing she chooses of it makes her feel supported.

Why is he choosing this hill to die on??

FeatheredHope · 04/06/2021 08:55

A nearly universal response here!

I agree with all the previous posters and wonder just how big an impact your boyfriend’s behaviour has has on your child. Do you think the last 2 years of hell would have been as bad they were if he had been a loving, supportive stepfather or even partner to you?

As a grown arse adult, if someone refused to call me by any name, I would be hurt beyond belief. This is just one thing he’s done to a vulnerable, conflicted child. That’s abusive.

BrutusMcDogface · 04/06/2021 08:55

Tell him in no uncertain terms that your good comes first. If he can’t change the way he deals with her, then you shouldn’t continue the relationship. Sounds like you’re being wonderfully supportive.

Budapestdreams · 04/06/2021 08:55

Support your child above all.
She is already having a really tough time, I'm sure your DP is probably making her life even more stressful.
I couldn't stay with someone in these circumstances.

BrutusMcDogface · 04/06/2021 08:57

*your good? I obviously meant CHILD. 🙄

Tubbs99 · 04/06/2021 08:59

I won’t comment on the Trans thing, however, your partner isn’t helping your child by creating a hostile environment for them to live in, so you need to make a choice between them.

User629202 · 04/06/2021 08:59

You sound like a lovely and supportive mother. He sounds awful. I agree you have to prioritise your child and save her from living with someone who is disdainful of her.

Babdoc · 04/06/2021 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AlmostSummer21 · 04/06/2021 09:03

I don't think you have any choice but to separate really. You've chosen what you feel is best for your child & he cannot support your decision.

It's not something you can agree to disagree about.

It's going to be very stressful for everyone if you keep trying to live together.

FelicityPike · 04/06/2021 09:05

@mindutopia

Your dp would have been out the door with the door locked behind him the very first time he used the wrong name or pronouns intentionally, if I were you. Your children come first. No wonder your dd has had such a tough time, with someone like that in her life being so cruel.
Absolutely 100% agree with this. Dead naming her and using the wrong pronouns is so bloody disrespectful and rude.
ChaosMoon · 04/06/2021 09:05

On the one hand, I think you're doing your best in an incredibly difficult situation. On the other hand, you've allowed this man to bully your daughter, in her own home, for nearly 2 years. This will be contributing to her mental health issues.

I'm not saying this to be punishing and I don't think you should bear yourself up for it. Rather, I want to illustrate that the time to act is now. The time for ultimatums was 18 months ago. He has to go. Today if possible.

Sleeplessem · 04/06/2021 09:05

@Babdoc, you cannot conflate anorexia and being trans. That is a weak example

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 04/06/2021 09:06

I would find it difficult to call a male person she. I have asd and I find it hard to be dishonest
I don't think pretending someone is the opposite sex helps their mental health. We are creating children with dysphoria
I would avoid using pronouns and names rather than offend but I'd leave anyway if I were your partner

maddening · 04/06/2021 09:06

Also agree, your dc comes first.

Taliskerskye · 04/06/2021 09:09

@WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld
But surely you could do something someone asked. If someone was called John but came to you at work and said my nee name is Fred would you really not be able to call them Fred because it’s not the truth?

viques · 04/06/2021 09:10

I think you know what you need to do OP. Put it this way, if your child was of mixed heritage and your partner made racist remarks about them you wouldn’t stay with them would you? I can’t see the difference between this and disparaging your child who is identifying as trans.

TheChiefJo · 04/06/2021 09:10

OP, I can't help wondering if the current trans situation has just shone a light on a DP problem that's been there all along. You might need to consider that ending your relationship with DP will improve your DD's mental health and well-being overall. DP may have been imperceptibly undermining this kid for a long time and a contributing factor to the difficulties they've had.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 04/06/2021 09:13

I have a trans child.

Their dad didn't accept them, I left (it was a bit more than misgendering in that instance).

My parents didn't accept my child and intentionally dead named them and said some awful things. I cut them out.

My brothers were extremely transphobic. I cut them out.

Various 'friends' have said things over the years and they were instantly gone too.

My child, and whatever they are going through come first at all times.

The psychological process of being trans, even if you believe it to be a phase your child is going through, is very important. Your child will need to feel loved, supported and comfortable in their own home. That can't happen while this person is there.

I don't say it lightly, and I know how hard it is, but he really needs to go.

LipstickLou · 04/06/2021 09:13

@Babdoc
I admire your brave post. I have a ftm 17 year old. My DH is a wonderfully kind accepting father. I remain hearbtoken. I wouldn't put up with a abusive partner which was the question here. When I posted about my dc I got very hurtful aggressive comments . My DC has experienced all the issues of the OPs child. I think a '"last chance' conversation is called for as it could be a lack of underdtsnding and fear for the future. Transition is a horrendous journey for the whole family. However if he is an arse anyway he should go.

Shoxfordian · 04/06/2021 09:14

Your daughter absolutely needs your support more than this man who treats her badly

Turin · 04/06/2021 09:14

How does your child feel about DP? Do they have any sort of a relationship?

My child’s mental health would mean more to me than any partner.

CatherinedeBourgh · 04/06/2021 09:15

@Babdoc

who the fuck died and made you god of parenting?

OP knows her child best, and is doing what she thinks is right with as much professional support as she can get.

If you have nothing useful to contribute to the question she asked, then you should stfu.

OP, itks understandable that you’ been caught in the whirlwind and not had the air to pick up your dp on this. Could you sit down with him and tell him what you need from him with regards to your dd? His response will tell you all you need to know...