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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP and trans child...what to do?

422 replies

Fiddlediddleriddle · 04/06/2021 07:40

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

DS2 announced they were trans woman (so identify as a woman and that is how I will refer to them in this post from now on) nearly 2 years ago. I mean I say announced, she has asd and we have had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal. It's been hugely difficult for the whole family as you can imagine.

DP (not the father of my dc) hates it with a passion and does not support it. After lots of difficult times, will now not call dc after birth given name but won't use chosen name (even though this is a name that isn't gender specific).

Things are calmer, dd is now 16 and has plans for college, but it is unlikely that they will be independent enough to leave home certainly not without some supported or assisted living. My heart breaks when I think about how tough things are for her and how tough they will be especially being trans.

Last night dp asked something that I needed to mention dd to him. He ended up really cross as apparently I used female pronouns too often just to make a point and told me exactly how I could have phrased it differently. I didn't even notice...I mentioned the gender of my DS and it wasn't a problem as they are not trans. I was just making comment on something and used her and she because she is my child and I will love and support her whatever.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. We have been together 8 years (known for longer) and if dd doesn't leave home for many years am I going to be expected to tiptoe round dp at all times when in my own home discussing my own child?

I don't know if DD will stay trans there are so many many issues but to me it doesn't matter I will love and support her whatever. We are on a waiting list for specialist counselling to help her unravel her feelings and she has support groups and CAMHS and school online support. Who knows what the future holds but she is my child, she is kind and gentle and so so funny and so so confused about herself and her life and desperately trying to find a place to fit in.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

OP posts:

Overthebow · 04/06/2021 08:08

Your child comes first. If your DP will not accept her then you need to separate. Otherwise your DD won’t ever feel comfortable in her own home and that’s not fair.

RainingZen · 04/06/2021 08:11

If DP is unbearable and not improving then I'd recommend having a "this is a deal-breaker" chat with DP. Im sorry he's put you right in the middle of a really lawful choice. If still no improvement then it's the end of the relationship. It is your DP who is being an arse, and you are absolutely doing the right thing to try and support your DD through this. It's really irrelevant what your DP thinks about the validity of your DD's decision to live as a woman. This is a child, who needs help moving through an extremely difficult adolescence into adulthood. If your DD is going to stand a chance of dealing with all this, and using the counselling from CAHMs to figure out if the gender dysphoria is a function of the ASD, it a permanent and genuine desire to live in a female identity, then one supportive parent will be a lot more useful than one helpful parent and one who is a massive negative influence. Teenagers have a habit of digging their heels in, too, when met by parental disapproval, and it will make it harder to create a space in which she could change her mind (losing face and smug DP saying he knew all along she was a boy etc).

Sexnotgender · 04/06/2021 08:16

Not getting into the trans issue.

But I have a 17 year old who has suffered serious mental health issues and my husband (her step father) has been nothing but supportive. I couldn’t imagine him behaving like this to her.
If he did he’d be gone. He sounds awful.

Original poster

Fiddlediddleriddle · 04/06/2021 08:17

@Warmduscher

I completely agree with pp that I couldn’t be with someone so disrespectful to my child.

Having said that, maybe if you’ve told him you’re not sure if your child will “stay trans”, it’s led him to think it’s just a phase?

I have never discussed this with dp. I've never discussed it with anyone apart from here and now simply because my child has always always needed to know that I am totally on her side. My concern is that this became an issue in year 9 and had never been mentioned before and tied in with the asd diagnosis. I have done a lot of reading on the links between the two things and I used the phrase perhaps too flippantly here where actually I am whole heartedly behind her. I hope that makes sense!

I am very aware that my parenting decision to support her is not what every parent would do, I go to a support group for parents linked to my dd's support group and there are parents there who parent this very differently to me. But I firmly believe that I am doing this the right way for my child.

I haven't ever really addressed my dp's reluctance to support in the same way because I have been so wrapped up in getting her through this while also supporting my other dc that it was only really last night that I suddenly saw it for what it was. I deal with everything as they are my dc and not his (he has his own who he sees regularly) so there are times when I can only deal with the immediate issue and last night I suppose was the first time this has come up without me being so distracted by other things that it hit me.

OP posts:

bunnybutts · 04/06/2021 08:17

Again no comment on the trans issues, but you absolutely need to put your child here first. I couldn't be with someone who was having a detrimental effect in my DC. It would be a deal breaker for me.

AllIknowsofar · 04/06/2021 08:20

Does this man live with you and your child as a family? I don’t see how you can’t live a day with him with his attitude like that. What a horrible atmosphere for your child to grow up in.

Bagelsandbrie · 04/06/2021 08:21

Why aren’t you kicking him out?! Your child will see you as not sticking up for them. The whole trans thing is a red herring here. He’s an abusive arse.

HeavenHotel · 04/06/2021 08:26

I won't give you my opinions on the trans issue, as that's not what you're asking.

But yes 100% leave you partner, your child should always come first.

billy1966 · 04/06/2021 08:27

OP,

Your poor children have had this man for 8 years in their home.

How stressful for them.

You have looked the other way for years.

He has NO doubt contributed to the pain your child was in.

You have chosen him and his distain for your child, over your child.

Your poor child is unable to live independently so is stuck with your house and him.

He sounds dominating and a bully.

You apologising to keep the peace and get sleep says EVERYTHING.

donquixotedelamancha · 04/06/2021 08:28

My concern is that this became an issue in year 9 and had never been mentioned before and tied in with the asd diagnosis. I have done a lot of reading on the links between the two things and I used the phrase perhaps too flippantly here

I don't think you did. The vast majority of kids with Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria desist. I think you need to start discussing this with your support network (for you).

There are quite a few mums on here who have been through what you are going through. Don't post on AIBU but I'd you asked for their input on Feminism Chat or LBQT Parents I'm sure you'd find some.

Sometimeswinning · 04/06/2021 08:29

Why aren’t you kicking him out?! Your child will see you as not sticking up for them. The whole trans thing is a red herring here. He’s an abusive arse.

So the op doing her best, zero support, looking for advice isnt doing enough for you? She now needs to feel guilty?

User135792468 · 04/06/2021 08:31

I couldn’t be with someone who treated my child so poorly. On the flip side, I also would find it difficult to deal with the situation you have described so if I were your dp, I would have left you a long time ago. This relationship isn’t going anywhere.

StillDumDeDumming · 04/06/2021 08:32

I am in a similar position. Not trans issues but something else similarly fundamental. I have realised that dp by setting up opposition, making me tip toe around, is forcing me to choose. How sickening that a grown man says it's me or your child. I have always said that nobody comes first but now, if you force me to choose like this then essentially it is him doing the choosing. And I will always 'choose' my child. The heartbreaking thing is that it is completely unnecessary. As you say, he can be uncomfortable, disapproving almost but he still has to support you, and that means your child.

Bagelsandbrie · 04/06/2021 08:32

@Sometimeswinning

Why aren’t you kicking him out?! Your child will see you as not sticking up for them. The whole trans thing is a red herring here. He’s an abusive arse.

So the op doing her best, zero support, looking for advice isnt doing enough for you? She now needs to feel guilty?

She’s put up with this for years. Sometimes people need to see things for how they really are. I don’t know why you’ve singled me out to quote - the majority of replies are saying the same thing more or less.

It’s not easy to leave an abusive partner - I know, I have done it myself. But the ops child doesn’t have the ability to leave, they are stuck with this horrible man who doesn’t even recognise them for who they are.

MizMoonshine · 04/06/2021 08:33

Your boyfriend sounds awful.

Call him your boyfriend because he's not acting like a partner.

He's not supporting you or your daughter through this.

You're handing everything for your kids. After eight years? This man is not a partner.

If you don't remove this man from your lives things are only going to get worse for your daughter. You say you're putting her first and I see that intention but, to her, every second that he's there you are choosing him. Put yourself in her shoes. Could you imagine the pain and confusion of your mother not instantly throwing out the man who is emotionally abusing you?

Because that's what it is. He's emotionally abusing your child.

She already has complex needs that require work. Don't enable him to add to them.

Get him out!

paralysedbyinertia · 04/06/2021 08:35

I am really sceptical of the concept of gender, and honestly speaking, I would really struggle if dd identified as trans. However, I would 100% put her mental wellbeing above everything, and if that meant accepting a new identity for her, then so be it. I would not be able to stay with a partner who refused to respect her wishes about something so personal.

You sound like you know what your priorities are, OP. You know what you need to do. I'm sorry, as it must be really difficult, but you are right to put your child first.

Endofether · 04/06/2021 08:35

@Fiddlediddleriddle

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

OP am so so sorry . If my partner didn’t support my child in this way I couldn’t stay in the relationship. My ds came out in year 8 and is now a happy and secure adult but it’s been a hard hard road and if my partner (not his dad) hadn’t been supportive it would have been so much worse for my child ( so sorry you’re going through this. My mum was v unsupportive of my child and it has really damaged our relationship a lot as it made me really dislike her !

Hockney236 · 04/06/2021 08:35

Your relationship is doomed and you know it. I struggle with the trans-fad myself to be honest, I think there’s many underlyings going on usually and this is how it manifests in some kids (I have experience of this). But your kid trumps all and your vocal stroppy partner is being an arse.

DoingItMyself · 04/06/2021 08:36

Partners come and go.
Children are for life.
Stick with the child, sack the partner.

Sleeplessem · 04/06/2021 08:37

@Fiddlediddleriddle from what I’ve read you sound like a tremendous mother! It can’t be easy but accepting your child be whoever they are is truly the best thing.

As for your partner, of course your DD identifying as trans must have come as a shock and it might be hard for him to conceptualise BUT given DDs history how he’s acting is shameful. Perhaps he could attend a support group too and have things very plainly laid out for him. If he still refuses to accept DD then, the choice is clear xx

GoJetterGirl · 04/06/2021 08:42

Bin him.

GoJetterGirl · 04/06/2021 08:43

Your so called DP,

Not your DD2

Aprilx · 04/06/2021 08:45

I am not a parent but this is the clearest “WWYD” scenario I have ever considered on MN. You simply cannot have another person in your house that will not accept your child for who they are.

Hoppinggreen · 04/06/2021 08:46

I am not going to comment on the Trans issue BUT no child deserves to live in a home where they are made to feel weird by a patent figure.
It’s cruel and abusive.
Unless your child is making decisions that will cause themselves direct harm they should be supported by all of their family members
Your partner doesn’t need to understand or agree with the changes your child has made but at a minimum they should treat them with kindness and respect

user7891011 · 04/06/2021 08:46

It doesn't matter the situation, even if they had robbed a bank you support your child over any man. Obviously here your DC has done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to be treated with anything but respect from the people who live with her

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