DP and trans child...what to do?

[Fiddlediddleriddle]

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

DS2 announced they were trans woman (so identify as a woman and that is how I will refer to them in this post from now on) nearly 2 years ago. I mean I say announced, she has asd and we have had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal. It's been hugely difficult for the whole family as you can imagine.

DP (not the father of my dc) hates it with a passion and does not support it. After lots of difficult times, will now not call dc after birth given name but won't use chosen name (even though this is a name that isn't gender specific).

Things are calmer, dd is now 16 and has plans for college, but it is unlikely that they will be independent enough to leave home certainly not without some supported or assisted living. My heart breaks when I think about how tough things are for her and how tough they will be especially being trans.

Last night dp asked something that I needed to mention dd to him. He ended up really cross as apparently I used female pronouns too often just to make a point and told me exactly how I could have phrased it differently. I didn't even notice...I mentioned the gender of my DS and it wasn't a problem as they are not trans. I was just making comment on something and used her and she because she is my child and I will love and support her whatever.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. We have been together 8 years (known for longer) and if dd doesn't leave home for many years am I going to be expected to tiptoe round dp at all times when in my own home discussing my own child?

I don't know if DD will stay trans there are so many many issues but to me it doesn't matter I will love and support her whatever. We are on a waiting list for specialist counselling to help her unravel her feelings and she has support groups and CAMHS and school online support. Who knows what the future holds but she is my child, she is kind and gentle and so so funny and so so confused about herself and her life and desperately trying to find a place to fit in.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

If your partner can’t respect your daughter in here own home then you need to have a serious conversation with him. I know MN tend to say LTB over any little issue, but have a conversation first. Set boundaries and if he can’t respect your decisions then you need to do what is right for your daughter.

I am very gender critical, but there is no excuse for your DP treating your DD this way. If he really cared about trans issues, he would see your DD as the victim of a society that tells young people that they have to fit into a girl or boy box, and that anyone who doesn't is in the wrong body. Your DD is a victim in all this, and needs to be treated with compassion and understanding.

I don't think you can continue in a relationship with this man.

I have a trans child. I know how hard it can be to adjust to a new name and pronouns.

However, your DP is showing you who he is. He is treating you and your child with disdain, and demanding that you do things his way.

Time to bin him and find someone who will love your whole family.

It's bullying, is what it is. And it won't stop if/when your DD leaves home - you will avoid referring to her around him. Which is awful.

I too am gender critical, and I also feel affirming isn't the best way to go, however you know your child and I'm sure your doing what you feel is best for them.
Your DP should be supporting you, have you tried having a conversation with him? What are his reasons for not using her preferred name etc..?

I can understand how upsetting it can be when a child you love starts to transition, but to deliberately not use the name they have chosen is disrespectful.

My niece is FTM. I absolutely adore her and use her chosen name despite disagreeing with her transition.

Like the previous poster I'd perhaps suggest one final talk about the matter to tell him how he's hurting your child. And if that doesn't work, let him go.

Have you tried to find out what his real problem with it is? Assuming he is perfectly reasonable in other regards, you need to get to the root of why he has a problem with your child being trans. Is it that he things they are too young, is it that he disagrees with the idea that people can change gender entirely? And either way, what are his reasons for thinking this way? If you can unveil the foundations of his beliefs you can then counter them with evidence as to why he is wrong.

Transition is a horrendous journey for the whole family

Well I'm not sure about that @LipstickLou. It may have been for you and your family, but it isn't always the case and hasn't been for us.

OP's DP is making it horrendous for her and her DD, however.

I'm sorry but if he were my partner he'd be out of the door.

I'm very GC but no one gets to live in my house and treat my child like shit.

It doesn't matter whether the topic is transitioning, hair colour, body shape, piercings, clothes, what they are for dinner last Tuesday or who their favourite dog is. Nothing gives a man a right to bully a child.

I hope your child is ok and knows you're there for them. You sound like a lovely mum who just needs a gentle nudge in the right direction.

The current trans ideology destroys families.

Why?

Because it destroys the ability of them to speak freely and honestly when they need to about sensitive matters. Which families need.

Instead all efforts are put into walking on eggshells and avoiding the elephant in the room to make sure one member of the family isn't upset or distressed by material reality. This isnt cost free and comes at the expense of other family members who spend their entire energy supporting this unreality. Its grossly unfair because of how much stress it puts on many who are then not allowed to release this pressure because they will be labelled as toxic.

They aren't toxic. The dynamic is toxic. And for many its completely unsustainable in the long run.

I don't think the DP is an awful man for not going along with it unquestionably. It just highlights the extent of the energy being put into upholding something that everyone involved knows to be untrue. It creates stress. It unbalances relationships. It makes dynamics which were very healthy, completely toxic.

Families work and are healthy when people can talk about things, no matter what. Ironically this 'inclusive extremism' puts some people who are just observing reality of a situation and the problems it can create in a situation - without malice or ill intent - where there they can no longer do that and tensions build up slowly until they eventually reach breaking point.

I genuinely don't think this is avoidable in many cases because the current trans orthodoxy is so unrealistic and self centred. It neglects the reality that this does have impact on others and its not just pronouns and a name change as much as they want to push the idea that it is. If nothing else the push to centre the trans person above all else creates situation where often unacceptable behaviour goes unchallenged when in any other situation, it would be dealt with / resolved properly. I'm not talking legally unacceptable stuff here, I'm talking about the small stuff like basic manners and respect. The glue that holds relationships together.

Having seen it in my own family, my mother became a saint for going fully onboard with it all. But she did it in a way which made her become a slave to it and often a complete doormat. It was to the exclusion of other relationships. She ceases to communicate and talk to others about what was upsetting them etc because she just said 'you are wrong' whilst she simultaneously tolerated behaviour that was dreadful. My siblings partner was outright aggressive and confrontational in an extremely rude manner - my mother acknowledged it, warned us and then expected us to suck it up - all 'because trans'. This isnt inclusive. This is having different rules and levels of expectation for different family members. From what I've seen of other families this is pretty typical dynamics rather than being a one off.

As DH says to me, all the drama in soaps always comes from people lying and being unable to be honest with each other. If they sat down and explained things properly 9/10 storylines wouldn't happen. I think in terms of life lessons and experience of how relationships work its a very pointed observation.

Communication is key to relationships. I believe a trans dynamic often leads to a breakdown in this, because things end up unspoken to avoid upsetting people. But that only leads to it festering and becoming toxic in the long run. To make things work, we have to properly address things - as a family unit - where the views and feelings of all are fully respected. The equality balancing act to be truly equal. The orthodoxy being pushed now, totally forgets this.

It will lead to a backlash and many, many people - both trans and not trans - will get hurt as it unravels. The unwillingness to understand that equality is a difficult balancing act where difficult issues and conflicts must be addressed head on rather than swept under the carpet is where its going wrong and where its already hurt and destroyed so many families.

The current trans ideology destroys families

Speak for yourself, @RedToothBrush. It hasn't destroyed ours.

I do get tired of people stating how being trans affects all families

Ffs. Would it really be any skin off his nose to refer to her as she wants?

It's bullshit. OK. It's all a load of fucking crap, I don't believe in it for a minute; you are who you are, you're born male or female and that's that.

But at the end of the day, it's about respect for the person. Would he be bothered about using, say, Dan instead of Daniel? Kate instead of Katherine? No.

So just use She/Her, it doesn't matter really does it? Just use the kids preferred pronouns if it's what she's more comfortable with.

[quote CatherinedeBourgh]@Babdoc

who the fuck died and made you god of parenting?

OP knows her child best, and is doing what she thinks is right with as much professional support as she can get.

If you have nothing useful to contribute to the question she asked, then you should stfu.

OP, itks understandable that you’ been caught in the whirlwind and not had the air to pick up your dp on this. Could you sit down with him and tell him what you need from him with regards to your dd? His response will tell you all you need to know...[/quote]
I think you’d find that many of the posters saying “I won’t comment on the trans issue” agree with Babdoc, but don’t feel able to say it.

Personally I found Babdoc’s post useful, so it ill behoves you to tell her to “stfu” on behalf of anyone but yourself. I thought we had moved beyond the #nodebate mantra, but clearly not everyone has.

It seems simple to say get rid of him but what would posters say if this was the child's real father rather than biological father and he had as strong feelings on how to parent his child. Many posters are saying that they don't agree with the mother's stance but support her right to parent- as she sees fit. I'm not sure if it as simple as making the child happy

I don't know what the solution is, but i would suggest that the OP reflect on the importance of communication being a two way thing and whether she has the head space for her partner when all her effort is going into her child. And whether this is completely healthy for all parties.

To put it bluntly, if you can't see there is more to life than trans and trans identity. Uf its taken over everything and consuming of all relationships in the household then its a pretty good sign that its not a healthy dynamic all round and thats true of everyone in the house.

People need to be more than trans or the trans mother or trans father.

You need to support your daughter... this is a time when she needs your unconditional support 150%!!

Kick out your dick of a partner.

@CrumpetyTea

It seems simple to say get rid of him but what would posters say if this was the child's real father rather than biological father and he had as strong feelings on how to parent his child. Many posters are saying that they don't agree with the mother's stance but support her right to parent- as she sees fit. I'm not sure if it as simple as making the child happy

He's not the child's father. The OP isn't even married to him.

And, I would choose to make my child happy over a bully any day.

Op this all sounds very difficult and i feel for you. I am gender critical and would be devastated if one of my dc was trans, but unlike your dp i would respect their wishes and support them the best i could. If you feel the relationship is worth saving, then lay it on the line for him, he respects your child's feelings, and yours, or he gets the hell out.

@ThursdayWeld

The current trans ideology destroys families

Speak for yourself, @RedToothBrush. It hasn't destroyed ours.

I do get tired of people stating how being trans affects all families

You know this because? Things can fall out in years to come...

It took a good number of years for it to hit the fan in my family.

I'm about a decade up the road from many.

The people falling over themselves to stick up for this bully of a man because they agree with his views on trans issues are ridiculous.

The op was talking about her child in a way she was comfortable with, this man then got cross, told her what she should have said, and then got her to feel like she did something wrong so she apologised.

He won't even use the kids name in their own house ffs.

Regardless of what it is about this is bullying behaviour, towards op, and her child.

Just because something happened in your family, @RedToothBrush, doesn't give you the power to say it happens in all families.

It is, ironically, a very doctrinaire view.

I couldn't be around someone who insisted I apologise for talking about MY child in a way that was supportive of them. What a needy petulant twat he is.

Get him out and get him out yesterday.

You are currently prioritising the man you share your bed with over your very vulnerable child, at least that is how your daughter will see it.

Is this really the message you want for her? My Mum lets me get treated like shit so it's ok to let other people to treat me like shit too!

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

The people falling over themselves to stick up for this bully of a man because they agree with his views on trans issues are ridiculous.

The op was talking about her child in a way she was comfortable with, this man then got cross, told her what she should have said, and then got her to feel like she did something wrong so she apologised.

He won't even use the kids name in their own house ffs.

Regardless of what it is about this is bullying behaviour, towards op, and her child.

If you go through the thread, the number of people disagreeing with the way the OP’s partner is behaving far outweighs the others. Are we reading the same thread?

@Fiddlediddleriddle has your daughter confided in you about your partner’s lack of support and terrible behaviour? I know this the first time you were able to come up for air so I wonder if any prior mentions by your daughter are starting to click into place for you.

I’d have a talk with her first to get a read on her feelings about your partner and if she felt supported by him the past 2 years or not. That could help you mentally join up the dots with the instances or patterns you noticed. The two of you could decide together what to do, along with your other child if you feel it’s necessary to include him.

Personally, I’d kick your partner to the curb for his behaviour but I’d first want to comb the memory bank for any other evidence. Good luck. You’re a great mother and you deserve support as well. :)