DP and trans child...what to do?

[Fiddlediddleriddle]

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

DS2 announced they were trans woman (so identify as a woman and that is how I will refer to them in this post from now on) nearly 2 years ago. I mean I say announced, she has asd and we have had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal. It's been hugely difficult for the whole family as you can imagine.

DP (not the father of my dc) hates it with a passion and does not support it. After lots of difficult times, will now not call dc after birth given name but won't use chosen name (even though this is a name that isn't gender specific).

Things are calmer, dd is now 16 and has plans for college, but it is unlikely that they will be independent enough to leave home certainly not without some supported or assisted living. My heart breaks when I think about how tough things are for her and how tough they will be especially being trans.

Last night dp asked something that I needed to mention dd to him. He ended up really cross as apparently I used female pronouns too often just to make a point and told me exactly how I could have phrased it differently. I didn't even notice...I mentioned the gender of my DS and it wasn't a problem as they are not trans. I was just making comment on something and used her and she because she is my child and I will love and support her whatever.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. We have been together 8 years (known for longer) and if dd doesn't leave home for many years am I going to be expected to tiptoe round dp at all times when in my own home discussing my own child?

I don't know if DD will stay trans there are so many many issues but to me it doesn't matter I will love and support her whatever. We are on a waiting list for specialist counselling to help her unravel her feelings and she has support groups and CAMHS and school online support. Who knows what the future holds but she is my child, she is kind and gentle and so so funny and so so confused about herself and her life and desperately trying to find a place to fit in.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

You're right that you need to stick by your daughter. I'm afraid if have to leave the relationship. She'll remember that you put her first and with all the troubles you've both had, that can only bode well.
I'm sorry

You put your child first and ditch the man who has such obvious disdain for her.

@Shelddd

I feel really bad for asd kids, they are being targeted and manipulated on mass. It's quite sad and we are going to look back at this in 10 - 15 years and see how exploitive it was.

Agree with this. My PP still stands, the step dad shouldn’t be demeaning her DC. However, some parents think that they are doing the right thing by what is essentially lying to their ASD kids. Affirming the lie that anyone can change sex isn’t going to help them in the long run, once they’re out in the big wide world and realise that their identity relies on validation from everyone else. By all means, call them by their chosen name and support them in wearing whatever clothes they feel comfortable in. However I wouldn’t ever tell them that conforming to stereotypes, magically transforms them into the opposite sex and would repeat the fact that sex is immutable. Gender on the other hand is irrelevant, no matter how hard the gender identity zealots try, sex is what matters in so many different areas of life! As a transperson, you’ll always be the sex that you were born as.

Bloody hell, kick him out. Prioritise your child. He's disgusting and it's going to harm your vulnerable child.

The '....what to do?' part of this title is so concerning. How can you be on the fence here OP?!

Your first duty is your child. There's no question

I think my feeling is that you have to put kids first, but this is so all consuming that it creates problems and why the ideology is so toxic and the lack of adequate safeguarding is appalling. The kids are victims to stereotyping and sexualisation without the ability to fully understand the implications. And the pattern of gay/autistic kids being more likely to come out as trans (and subsequently desist) isn't been taken seriously. Nor is the wider impact on relationships. If something is all consuming it will affect other relationships.

No one wins here. I do think parents are damned whatever they do tbh.

You have a situation here where someone isn't signed up to the ideology (for reasons we don't know) and won't participate. You can't force them to. You also have a situation where the other half of the family is insisting on suspending reality.

You have to explore the reasons why they won't sign up to the ideology without question and why its a problem. You can't just brush how they feel under the carpet.

As others have said, because this isn't the child's father and they aren't married, the partner is being regarded as disposable and nasty rather than concerned and geniunely caring about the kid and their welfare.

The OP has already decided (whether fairly or unfairly) that their partner is not concerned and is acting out of malice instead.

What is telling here is that the default assumption is that the DP is in the wrong and not part of the family fully. Thats untenable regardless of who is 'right' or 'wrong'.

You choose to be a family or you choose not to be. If you choose to be, you explore whats going on with everyone and process it all fully. Together.

I personally am not convinced this has been done from what the OP has said. She is making these huge decisions unilaterally on her own without involving her partner (which she is perfectly entitled to as she is the mother and he is the step father) and that will have consequences if he finds it an issue (which may be well intentioned or may not be).

It has instead created a 'you are either with us or against' dynamic. Thats fundamentally the problem.

I think after everything I've seen and heard on the subject and how resistant to discussion there is and how hostile it becomes, I'm not willing to hang anyone out to dry and condemn them as being 'evil' in this case. The OP is clearly fully signed up to the idea.

Thank you all so very much for your replies.

It has just taken a while to go through and catch up with them all I'm going to try and answer some points here.

Those who feel the same way as my DP but fully accept my desire to support my child and have done so thank you. I fully appreciate that the trans side of things is hugely emotive.

I have done a lot of reading and research into the links between asd and trans identity .... someone posted a link earlier and I will be looking into that.

Some pp's have been astonished at my willingness to accept this...this is my child and I will do anything and everything to support her and help her. My belief pretty much all along has been....if she is trans I need to support her and if she isn't I still need to support her while she works it out. That's it. End of.

Those who have posted their own experiences with their own dc thank you also. The first time I spoke to other parents I cried, for the first time I realised I wasn't alone in this.

A pp did get it right earlier I have been through so much and having just got 2 year 11's through this tough year (dd and ds are twins) plus my work has been busier due to the pandemic it somehow is only now that it has hit me...I have literally spent the last year managing and, at times, wondering how I am coping. Last night though I just thought...how dare he tell me what I should and shouldn't be saying about my child.

I didn't speak to him before he went to work apart from general good mornings etc he was still in a bad mood so I can see it being brought up again in which case I will tell him he can go. My child has to come first.

I hope this makes sense.

I do n’t think you can put the trans issue aside. Your partner is being asked to pretend it’s possible to change sex, I can see why he’s refusing to do that,

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

If you go through the thread, the number of people disagreeing with the way the OP’s partner is behaving far outweighs the others. Are we reading the same thread?

I didn't say anything about the number of people there are some, those are the ones I'm referring to.

So what you’re cross about is the fact that, while everyone agrees the partner’s behaviour is unacceptable, some posters have also commented that unconditional affirmation may not be the right path for every young person who says they are trans.

That’s an ok view to hold, surely? Or are we back to #nodebate in another guise?

I have several reservations about trans gender with children, particularly those with troubled issues at the time. However I don’t think trans is your issue here with either your DD (do I call them DD?) and DP.

Personally I think trans is unhelpful precisely because it becomes a smokescreen fogging up what we need for basic happiness and harmony.

Your DP is not supporting you with a very troubled teen. Again I think all the arguments about he/her whatever is a smokescreen. He’s being an arse and being another stress for you.

Your DD is very troubled, esp if you are considering supporting living, this is a deeper issue than trans. IMHO. You will need to be particularly strong to cope with the next few years of supporting them (again - I would urge you to focus on how to support DD in independence, in resilience, in life skills, in good coping skills - see trans as background it is way too much in the fore and if it is seen as the reason for everything, it will obscure important growing up life skills)

So yes, kick out DP!

Focus on your child.

@Babdoc while I sympathise with you, you can't use your individual case to make judgment on the thousands of individuals who want to identify as he/she, and make sweeping statements with nothing more than your own unique child's experience.

@Fiddlediddleriddle

Thank you all so very much for your replies.

It has just taken a while to go through and catch up with them all I'm going to try and answer some points here.

Those who feel the same way as my DP but fully accept my desire to support my child and have done so thank you. I fully appreciate that the trans side of things is hugely emotive.

I have done a lot of reading and research into the links between asd and trans identity .... someone posted a link earlier and I will be looking into that.

Some pp's have been astonished at my willingness to accept this...this is my child and I will do anything and everything to support her and help her. My belief pretty much all along has been....if she is trans I need to support her and if she isn't I still need to support her while she works it out. That's it. End of.

Those who have posted their own experiences with their own dc thank you also. The first time I spoke to other parents I cried, for the first time I realised I wasn't alone in this.

A pp did get it right earlier I have been through so much and having just got 2 year 11's through this tough year (dd and ds are twins) plus my work has been busier due to the pandemic it somehow is only now that it has hit me...I have literally spent the last year managing and, at times, wondering how I am coping. Last night though I just thought...how dare he tell me what I should and shouldn't be saying about my child.

I didn't speak to him before he went to work apart from general good mornings etc he was still in a bad mood so I can see it being brought up again in which case I will tell him he can go. My child has to come first.

I hope this makes sense.

So true . It’s not what you would choose for your child but you have to support them . When your child is self harming and attempting suicide as mine did you will do anything you can. Any of these people saying they wouldn’t accept it - let’s see how they would feel if it were their own child . Zero empathy from many people!

@Northernparent68

I do n’t think you can put the trans issue aside. Your partner is being asked to pretend it’s possible to change sex, I can see why he’s refusing to do that,

I kind of agree with this. But as step parent - to one very troubled teen - I’d say he needs to be a ‘rock’ for the OP and not stress her out. Which requires sensitivity.

I think your child being trans is irrelevant-the issue is that your partner is being rude and cruel to your child in your home and his actions are creating a hostile atmosphere. For that reason I would end the relationship.

I think we have a lot to learn from the younger generation.

My friends child (30) has changed from he to she and adopted a new name.

Her parents are fully supportive, no issue there.

And while I am too, I do trip up and get it wrong at times.

My 20s children on the other hand don't bat an eyelid and just naturally call her by her new name and pronoun. It's not even a talking point, just no big deal that what she wants and why are you making a fuss about it.

I think that's great.

@Fiddlediddleriddle there is a section of MN for LGBT children where you can get help with your child and where discussions won't get sidetracked into general discussion around the gender issue.

All the best to you and your family.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lgbt_children

@soreenqueen21 do you know of any online advice and support for parents of ASD teens and trans - for the OP? Like good advice is not biased towards ‘trans’ being the solution necessarily?