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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this message for my ex dil was condescending?

260 replies

fieldsofgold65 · 03/06/2021 22:28

My ex dil sent me a message this morning as I had mentioned to my son that my gd had said her homework wasn't getting done at her mums house.

She sent the following - 'hi fieldsofgold, just off phone from (my sons name) and he mentioned that gd had told you that she doesn't do her homework at my house and that you were concerned that I 'just wasn't bothering'. Just to let you know that gd does do her homework at my house, I have her full time so of course she has to do her homework at my house. I'm not sure why she said that and will discuss with her in the morning, if she feels she is doing too little homework then I can definitely give her more work. She is in top maths and top spelling group at school, and we read every night before bed reading a page each as we go. Her teacher is thrilled with her both socially and academically, she says she is perfectly behaved and a joy to have in class so I am not worried about her in the slightest and her homework is certainly being done x'

I mentioned it to my son out of concern however I wish I hadn't bothered now. Her message has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I find it condescending and a passive aggressive attempt at her telling me to butt out. AIBU?

OP posts:
MacCoffee · 03/06/2021 22:30

YABU. Butt out.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/06/2021 22:30

Is this a reverse?

If not - then YABVU. Why are you shit stirring with your son and his ex? Why is he then going and repeating what you said to her? Sounds like he's enjoying point scoring against her and it's got to the poor woman.

Keep your beak out

Aliceinunderland · 03/06/2021 22:30

Well you raised it as a concern and she's telling you it's not. Not sure what the problem is. Sounds like she's more direct than you and wondered why you didn't raise it with her initially.

threeteenstaximum · 03/06/2021 22:31

Your DIL has sent you a rather nice and helpful reply to a comment you made to your son about grand daughter

Nothing passive aggressive about it. You are coming across as unreasonable if you are offended or "feel bitter about it"

namechange30455 · 03/06/2021 22:31

I think she has been remarkably nice to you tbh - I'd have been much ruder!

ChaosMoon · 03/06/2021 22:31

I think what you did was worse. She's been a lot more reasonable than I would be in her shoes.

Vetyveriohohoh · 03/06/2021 22:31

I think your lucky she was ‘passive’ about it. My exMIL would get short shrift if she was passing on ‘concerns’ through my ex. You should butt out.

CinnabarRed · 03/06/2021 22:31

Nope. I’m Team DIL.

FrankieDoyle · 03/06/2021 22:31

YABU. Nothing about that message was condescending.

SticksAndStoned · 03/06/2021 22:31

What do you expect her to do? Ignore it? You'd probably think that was wrong too.

She's just trying to set your mind at rest.

kittenkipping · 03/06/2021 22:31

Hmmm. It is condescending I guess, but you don't know what your son said. The fact that he's gone and "tattled" on you means he's not particularly tactful (or trustworthy IMO) so you can't be sure how the concern was presented to her. Its a defensive message and reads as though she starts from a place where offence is felt.

OrangeRug · 03/06/2021 22:32

YABU I don't blame her for being annoyed.

TheMotherlode · 03/06/2021 22:32

You probably should butt out though, sorry Confused

saraclara · 03/06/2021 22:32

Sounds to me as though she was quite controlled!

I expected far worse after reading the first two lines of the OP.

dun1urkin · 03/06/2021 22:32

That’s neither condescending nor passive aggressive
Keep your beak out

SoupDragon · 03/06/2021 22:32

@MacCoffee

YABU. Butt out.
This.
OrangeRug · 03/06/2021 22:32

But also yes as PP mentioned you should probably be annoyed at your son dropping you in it.

Sometimeswinning · 03/06/2021 22:33

You were concerned and recieved a detailed answer. Isnt this what you wanted? Next time ask dil directly as obviously your son doesn't have a clue.

Teach234 · 03/06/2021 22:33

I wonde how many other things you have mentioned out of concern 🙄

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 03/06/2021 22:33

I don’t read it as condescending or passive aggressive… but it definitely is suggesting that you butt out. Which is possibly fair! I know you probably only have your GD’s best interests at heart, but when parents are in the process of splitting it’s typically not a great idea to feed one parent any thoughts about the other’s potential shortcomings, unless you have deep concerns about a child’s well-being (and I’m not sure homework qualifies…)

PathOfLeastResitance · 03/06/2021 22:33

That’s surprisingly polite considering the interference from you.

IhateBoswell · 03/06/2021 22:33

Hahaa. Yep, butt out 👍🏻

RedFrogsRule · 03/06/2021 22:33

What did you expect? Gratitude for your criticism of her parenting?

Thehawki · 03/06/2021 22:34

I think she felt quite insulted that you thought dil wasn’t doing enough when she is actually doing very well academically. Coming at it from that angle, I think she was quite polite in her response.

Colourblindmamma · 03/06/2021 22:34

I’d have more of an issue with your son being a shit stirrer. Her message seems totally reasonable.