Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this message for my ex dil was condescending?

260 replies

fieldsofgold65 · 03/06/2021 22:28

My ex dil sent me a message this morning as I had mentioned to my son that my gd had said her homework wasn't getting done at her mums house.

She sent the following - 'hi fieldsofgold, just off phone from (my sons name) and he mentioned that gd had told you that she doesn't do her homework at my house and that you were concerned that I 'just wasn't bothering'. Just to let you know that gd does do her homework at my house, I have her full time so of course she has to do her homework at my house. I'm not sure why she said that and will discuss with her in the morning, if she feels she is doing too little homework then I can definitely give her more work. She is in top maths and top spelling group at school, and we read every night before bed reading a page each as we go. Her teacher is thrilled with her both socially and academically, she says she is perfectly behaved and a joy to have in class so I am not worried about her in the slightest and her homework is certainly being done x'

I mentioned it to my son out of concern however I wish I hadn't bothered now. Her message has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I find it condescending and a passive aggressive attempt at her telling me to butt out. AIBU?

OP posts:
Cowbells · 03/06/2021 23:05

It's not passive aggressive at all. It might be a bit frustrated and defensive. I would reply with: thank you for your message. I am delighted she is doing so well and sorry I took what she said at face value and expressed concern. I know you are a lovely mother to her and it shows in how well she is doing. Very best exMil

Natsel84 · 03/06/2021 23:05

Im on your DIL side. If anything its your son you need to have words with to see what he actually said to your DIL

Chloemol · 03/06/2021 23:06

Don’t see what the issue it with the response

Personally I think it’s a nice one just telling you your gd does do her homework and is getting on well at school

It’s you that has the issue here. Her response is not condescending, PA or anything else

I get the impression you dont like being told you are wrong about something

I suggest next time you take what your gd says with a lunch of salt and don’t get involved

bossybloss · 03/06/2021 23:07

Perfect reply ! I would have sent exactly the same ... wry polite but to the point !

Merryoldgoat · 03/06/2021 23:07

@Pollypudding

Also a MIL here. I think you did overstep a bit but out of concern for your GD. I don’t think it is helpful to think team DIL vs team MIL as you are all surely team GD. I think your DIL has been polite and diplomatic but also firm with her boundaries. My advice, for what it is worth, is leave the day to day life management to DIL and support GD by being the fun GP- win-win!
Agree but this MIL started it.

Imagine if she text DIL and said:

It was lovely having GD today - we had a really nice day and she’s growing into a lovely person. I talked to her a bit about school and homework and she tried telling me she doesn’t have to do it (which I know can’t be true) so I’m guessing it’s not her favourite thing, but who does like it? Here are some pics from today. Thanks again, ex-MIL

I’m guessing she’d get a different response.

PerhapsCarriageGreen · 03/06/2021 23:08

Her response is extremely polite. You need to apologise to her.

Twistered · 03/06/2021 23:10

Her reply to you is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant

WalkthisWayUK · 03/06/2021 23:10

Her response was great. Assertive, polite and fair. I think you’ve got a good ex DIL and I’d use it as an opportunity to say sorry and build more of a connection there.

And don’t stir the pot next time negatively towards your DILs parenting. Tell your son next time to take it up directly with his ex wife rather than bitching to his mother.

Sciurus83 · 03/06/2021 23:10

Hah! YAB so U, that woman is a Saint. Even put a kiss on it, I don't think you need worry about who is raising your GD.

ThirtyCharacterUsernamesOnly30 · 03/06/2021 23:11

YABU!!!

Jumpingintosummer · 03/06/2021 23:11

I think she was remarkably polite.

SpinachAndMushroom · 03/06/2021 23:13

YABU, rude and trying to create trouble.

CassandraTrotter · 03/06/2021 23:14

Yes you were condesending and passive aggressive. Your ex DIL on the other hand was Extremely polite given the circumstances.

HTH hun.

Pinkylemons · 03/06/2021 23:15

I’d have sent the same. Sounds like she’s doing a great job with her daughter. Ultimately it’s really none of your business either.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/06/2021 23:15

Did you say she "just wasnt bothering"?

stevalnamechanger · 03/06/2021 23:17

@threeteenstaximum

Your DIL has sent you a rather nice and helpful reply to a comment you made to your son about grand daughter

Nothing passive aggressive about it. You are coming across as unreasonable if you are offended or "feel bitter about it"

Agree !
PigGondola · 03/06/2021 23:18

I’m going to say ‘I couldn’t give a flying fuck, Michelle’ to everything from now on.

phoenixrosehere · 03/06/2021 23:18

The interesting thing about text messages is that like emails, tone is subjective where the tone people tend to hear is what they believe the sender is giving them based on their relationship with them. You’ve assumed from your ex-DIL’s text that she is being condescending over something you had supposedly said to your son about something her child had said with no evidence that the child is telling the truth. Not only that, your son should know how well his daughter is doing in school and if he doesn’t, he isn’t really a great parent or as involved as you think.

I’m going to bet that ex-DIL filed for divorce and you’re upset with her for it so it’s easy for you to believe a child’s words with no evidence of the sort and/or the worse of DIL. It’s also telling that you don’t know how your gd is doing in school so likely aren’t that involved anyway. Most parents are happy to share how well their child is doing especially to their own parents.

YABVU and should apologise to your ex-DIL.

Pbbananabagel · 03/06/2021 23:18

Yabvvu. Very polite message and I have a lot of respect for her for sending that and trying to nip this in the bud calmly.

Snowpatrolling · 03/06/2021 23:19

Having a patronising interfering piece of shit for an ex mother in law, I would have told you to just fuck off and mind your own business.

Your d-I-L is a better woman than I could ever be.

Not sure why your knickers are in a twist to be honest,
And also your son is a shit stirrer.

Nogoodusername · 03/06/2021 23:20

Yes YABU. That reply is not condescending at all. You are lucky she didn’t tell you to mind your own business and not talk about her behind her back - I would have done!!

moynomore · 03/06/2021 23:21

You are very lucky to have an ex DIL who writes well thought out and polite messages like that. Not condescending in the slightest. YABU.

billy1966 · 03/06/2021 23:22

What WERE you thinking OP?

I think that was a really presumptuous thing to do and certainly not the actions of a light touch grandparent.

Your DIL was extremely polite.

I would back pedal pronto.

Rubyrecka · 03/06/2021 23:23

Your looking for something to be offended by when it's not there. Keep your nose our and stop shit stirring. If she can talk to u directly u should also do the same to her instead of going through your son

maddening · 03/06/2021 23:24

Yabu, I would have been fucked off with your assertion in respect of her parenting, you're lucky she had been so restrained!