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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this message for my ex dil was condescending?

260 replies

fieldsofgold65 · 03/06/2021 22:28

My ex dil sent me a message this morning as I had mentioned to my son that my gd had said her homework wasn't getting done at her mums house.

She sent the following - 'hi fieldsofgold, just off phone from (my sons name) and he mentioned that gd had told you that she doesn't do her homework at my house and that you were concerned that I 'just wasn't bothering'. Just to let you know that gd does do her homework at my house, I have her full time so of course she has to do her homework at my house. I'm not sure why she said that and will discuss with her in the morning, if she feels she is doing too little homework then I can definitely give her more work. She is in top maths and top spelling group at school, and we read every night before bed reading a page each as we go. Her teacher is thrilled with her both socially and academically, she says she is perfectly behaved and a joy to have in class so I am not worried about her in the slightest and her homework is certainly being done x'

I mentioned it to my son out of concern however I wish I hadn't bothered now. Her message has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I find it condescending and a passive aggressive attempt at her telling me to butt out. AIBU?

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 03/06/2021 22:34

Is that you ex MIL? Give your DIL a break ffs!

saraclara · 03/06/2021 22:34

...actually, I reckon DIL deserves a job in the Diplomatic Service.

Oswin · 03/06/2021 22:34

You told your son she wasnt bothering to help her child and you expect polite?
Ha! Are you joking?

Macncheeseballs · 03/06/2021 22:34

Neither of my kids grandmother's are concerned about their homework, I'm surprised you are involved

OhYouDontSay · 03/06/2021 22:34

This has to be a reverse surely?

You were concerned... She answered your concerns.

ARoseDowntown · 03/06/2021 22:35

YABU.

You’re very lucky to get a report like that about your granddaughter from your ex-DIL. I don’t do that for my own DM or MIL. Ex-DIL is not accountable to you.

That said, you did the right thing reporting what your DGD said to your DS. And DS did the right thing raising it with his ex-wife. The response from your ex-DIL suggests that there was more than concern expressed by you, though. More an accusation. That you find this perfectly reasonable - and defensive, reasonably so - reply condescending says more about you than about your ex-DIL.

SnarkyBag · 03/06/2021 22:35

I think it was quite a reasonable message in light of your son telling her you think she’s not bothering. Your son should have had a conversation with his daughter about it too first rather than phoning up to have a go.
She must need a lot of patience to put up with you both!

Funnyface1 · 03/06/2021 22:35

I don't think she's being passive aggressive, I think she's telling you pretty straight. What you said was incredibly insulting.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/06/2021 22:36

@Teach234

I wonde how many other things you have mentioned out of concern 🙄
I also wonder how concerned the OP was about her GD's homework before her son got divorced
ohfourfoxache · 03/06/2021 22:36

Sorry, I missed the bit where it’s anything to do with you.....

User135792468 · 03/06/2021 22:36

The message she sent you was not passive aggressive or condescending, she was addressing your concerns. However, you telling your son that she “just wasn’t bothering” is a passive aggressive attack on her being a competent mother. Maybe look in the mirror before being offended at a nice message which could have been a lot more unpleasant?

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 03/06/2021 22:36

Not at all condescending. Not at all passive aggressive. Merely someone answering a ‘concern’ raised and, I think, in a very measured way.

I’d would not have been as restrained as your ex DIL.

Icanflyhigh · 03/06/2021 22:37

I think you got a fairly civil and concise reply considering what you'd have got from me if you'd tried to shit stir like that with my exH.
Butt out, it's none of your business.

Lavender201 · 03/06/2021 22:37

I have her full time so of course she has to do her homework at my house.

I think your ex-Dil sounds fab, this is a great response to an interfering ex-MIL. The child doesn’t even stay a significant number of nights with your son? Seems pretty obvious that she does her homework with her mother then (along with everything else).

threeteenstaximum · 03/06/2021 22:37

@Thehawki

I think she felt quite insulted that you thought dil wasn’t doing enough when she is actually doing very well academically. Coming at it from that angle, I think she was quite polite in her response.

This ^ says it all

MiddleClassMother · 03/06/2021 22:37

I think it's perfectly polite and helpful.

PegasusReturns · 03/06/2021 22:38

I think she’s being an angel given your interference!

Samanabanana · 03/06/2021 22:38

Of course yabu!

vipersputpaidtomylastusername · 03/06/2021 22:39

Nothing in her message was passive aggressive or condescending. Maybe you are looking for an issue where there isn't one.....?

NickD87 · 03/06/2021 22:40

Sorry. It really sounds like you’re meddling. My mums the same and gets a bit above her station on these things and I often need to put her back in the box. You probably meant well, but you need to step back something and think about whether you’ll be stirring a big pot of shit - unintentionally, of course.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2021 22:40

She was considerably nicer than I would have been.

HunkyPunk · 03/06/2021 22:40

I think you know yabu! Just nod and smile, unless you fear for their safety. Putting your oar in, concerning the way your ex-dil is raising your grandchildren, with her ex as the messenger, will never end well!

Patapouf · 03/06/2021 22:41

Mind your business! Not your child!

HollowTalk · 03/06/2021 22:41

Don't be stupid, OP, with your faux naivety. Your DIL is quite rightly pissed off with you. The only thing to do is sincerely apologise and treat her with more respect in future.

RAOK · 03/06/2021 22:41

I think it’s a very measured response from your ex daughter-in-law.