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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this message for my ex dil was condescending?

260 replies

fieldsofgold65 · 03/06/2021 22:28

My ex dil sent me a message this morning as I had mentioned to my son that my gd had said her homework wasn't getting done at her mums house.

She sent the following - 'hi fieldsofgold, just off phone from (my sons name) and he mentioned that gd had told you that she doesn't do her homework at my house and that you were concerned that I 'just wasn't bothering'. Just to let you know that gd does do her homework at my house, I have her full time so of course she has to do her homework at my house. I'm not sure why she said that and will discuss with her in the morning, if she feels she is doing too little homework then I can definitely give her more work. She is in top maths and top spelling group at school, and we read every night before bed reading a page each as we go. Her teacher is thrilled with her both socially and academically, she says she is perfectly behaved and a joy to have in class so I am not worried about her in the slightest and her homework is certainly being done x'

I mentioned it to my son out of concern however I wish I hadn't bothered now. Her message has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I find it condescending and a passive aggressive attempt at her telling me to butt out. AIBU?

OP posts:
DeathStare · 03/06/2021 22:41

Just like your initial comment it could be interpreted in two ways. If your initial comment was kind and well-meaning then so was the reply. If your initial comment was controlling and unnecessarily critical so was the reply. So, you decide!

And then butt out.

Oh and your son is a shit-stirrer who will sell you down the river to deliberately upset his DD's mother. Don't trust him as far as you can throw him.

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2021 22:41

Sounds like a reverse but on the off chance it's not...

That was a very chapter and verse justification when really, "Nose out trunky" would've done.

MonkeyPuddle · 03/06/2021 22:41

I’d have told you to piss off to be honest.

Wombats12 · 03/06/2021 22:42

What we're you expecting her to say?

"Nah, I don't do shit. Thank you for advising me of my poor parenting. So grateful that you care enough to ask your son to manage me to become a better parent. "

I do hope the lovely Dil is a MN user. She has the measure of you.

Hoppinggreen · 03/06/2021 22:42

I would have been far less polite and DH isn’t an ex

cadburyegg · 03/06/2021 22:42

As someone who has their kids all the time apart from when they are with their dad EOW, I’d be pissed off if my ex MIL implied that they weren’t doing any homework at my house Confused YABU

BackforGood · 03/06/2021 22:43

YABVVVVVU

That is an incredibly polite and restrained message to you when you are complaining about her parenting Hmm

Wombats12 · 03/06/2021 22:43

*Were

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/06/2021 22:43

I agree she was MASSIVELY polite. Far politer than I've been in a similar situation. Not with My exMIL though, she is a really lovely woman, but exSIL is like you OP. In the lockdown earlier this year she messaged me (after, on exH's weekend, he fobbed the kids off onto his sister) saying "(my DD's name) bike is way too small for her, we've just been on a bike ride and she was struggling to peddle"

Now considering I live 120 miles away from exH, I wondered why she thought the bike in question was supplied by me. But she does have form for thinking I should carry on doing the wife work after our divorce. I didn't pontificate writing about how to take this up with exH - after several weeks doing online teaching/home schooling and trying not to slowly have a nervous breakdown, I just replied saying "I couldn't give a flying fuck Michelle".

Happy to give your DIL advice if you wish.

braceletsandbangles · 03/06/2021 22:43

I'm a MIL, but I'm definitely team DIL.
What a reasonable woman she sounds.

purplemunkey · 03/06/2021 22:44

If this is for real, YABVU. Absolutely butt out. And she was very nice in that text. I wouldn’t have been.

schoolfinder007 · 03/06/2021 22:45

Nah can't be real

coffeemonster23 · 03/06/2021 22:46

YABU

Your DIL's response is very polite and clearly explains the correct information. Your concerns are no longer valid. Reply nicely and stop interfering!!

Checkingout811 · 03/06/2021 22:46

She sounds very reasonable and controlled given you’re questioning her parenting.
You’re the reason some interfering MILs get a bad name! How much homework does your son do with his child, out of interest? She said she has the child full time so where is your son in this?

LucyAutumn · 03/06/2021 22:46
Hmm
BabyofMine · 03/06/2021 22:47

I think she sounds like she’s trying to reassure you, how you get from her answering your concerns to passive aggressive I don’t know. Kids say all kids of things, I ask my child what the ate when they were at X’s house and they say “chocolate” - when it turns out they’ve actually had ham sandwiches, yoghurt, an apple and a tiny little chocolate. Am I going to accuse X of not feeding them properly? No, tbh I’m not even going to bring it up as I know what kids are like. Unless you have a safeguarding concern, keep your beak out.

kiksta · 03/06/2021 22:47

If that's exactly what she put then it doesn't come across as condescending at all.

If you are close enough to your ex-DIL that you have one another's numbers, perhaps you should have gone to her direct with your concerns about what your GD has told you.

I find her message quite polite but firm and to the point. I'm wondering whether what has really left a bitter taste in your mouth is that she found out what you'd said and took steps to 'defend' herself.

espressoontap · 03/06/2021 22:48

The message is perfectly polite. None of your bloody business, is it?

Cushionsnotpillows · 03/06/2021 22:48

So your PA machinations getting your son to shit stir about her parenting is fine and her measured and polite reply isn't? Yeah right Hmm

I bet she's glad to be getting rid of you along with your son. Apple didn't fall far from the tree did it?

#TeamDIL

EL8888 · 03/06/2021 22:49

But you do need to butt out. It’s none of your business Confused. I would have ignored you or send a rather rude messsge

crosstalk · 03/06/2021 22:49

Another saying leave her alone.

EL8888 · 03/06/2021 22:49

But yeah #teamDIL

mygee · 03/06/2021 22:49

You don't say how old your GD is but sounds fairly young if she and her Mum are taking turns reading. I'd say that's even more reason to stay out of it- perhaps if she was doing GCSE's and not doing her homework I could maybe understand your concerns but certainly not if she's only little. There's research showing that homework (apart from reading) has little benefit at a young age anyway.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 03/06/2021 22:49

Given the reference to the fact she has your granddaughter full time I think perhaps your advice should be geared more for your son.

Kids come out with all kinds of crap. You wish you hadn’t said anything because you’re embarrassed, she’s responded to your concern politely yet firmly and you know for next time to perhaps take flippant remarks from a child with a pinch of salt.

KarmaStar · 03/06/2021 22:49

Yabu.why the bitter taste?the message was polite and reassuring.

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