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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this message for my ex dil was condescending?

260 replies

fieldsofgold65 · 03/06/2021 22:28

My ex dil sent me a message this morning as I had mentioned to my son that my gd had said her homework wasn't getting done at her mums house.

She sent the following - 'hi fieldsofgold, just off phone from (my sons name) and he mentioned that gd had told you that she doesn't do her homework at my house and that you were concerned that I 'just wasn't bothering'. Just to let you know that gd does do her homework at my house, I have her full time so of course she has to do her homework at my house. I'm not sure why she said that and will discuss with her in the morning, if she feels she is doing too little homework then I can definitely give her more work. She is in top maths and top spelling group at school, and we read every night before bed reading a page each as we go. Her teacher is thrilled with her both socially and academically, she says she is perfectly behaved and a joy to have in class so I am not worried about her in the slightest and her homework is certainly being done x'

I mentioned it to my son out of concern however I wish I hadn't bothered now. Her message has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I find it condescending and a passive aggressive attempt at her telling me to butt out. AIBU?

OP posts:
MumInBrussels · 04/06/2021 07:38

I think she's been pretty polite, given that she was probably furious. Certainly more so than I would have managed. You criticised her to your son, rather than raising your concerns directly, and now you're cross that she's explained in detail why she's not the terrible mother you clearly thought she was... I think it's a really well worded message, actually!

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2021 07:44

@fieldsofgold65

Thanks everyone, message received.
If this is the sort of communication you expect from her, perhaps this is why you were disappointed? Your dil is good at communicating. Maybe you could learn something from her communication style?
FatCatThinCat · 04/06/2021 07:44

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong and neither has the DIL. The child told her grandmother that she wasn't doing her homework at home. What was she supposed to do with that information? Of course she needed to pass it on to her son. And the DIL is not wrong in responding in the way she did to her ex telling her that his mother is complaining about lack of homework. It's the son who's fucked up here.and dealt with it in a way that has set the OP and her exDIL against each other.

peboh · 04/06/2021 07:45

Are you feeling bitter because you weren't expecting her to call you on on being interfering? You went behind her back, to raise concerns about her parenting. Her message was very polite considering the circumstances. I certainly wouldn't have been that polite had it been me.

rjacksmiss · 04/06/2021 07:47

Yeah you definitely went about that the wrong way. Whoops!

peboh · 04/06/2021 07:48

@FatCatThinCat

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong and neither has the DIL. The child told her grandmother that she wasn't doing her homework at home. What was she supposed to do with that information? Of course she needed to pass it on to her son. And the DIL is not wrong in responding in the way she did to her ex telling her that his mother is complaining about lack of homework. It's the son who's fucked up here.and dealt with it in a way that has set the OP and her exDIL against each other.
She should have spoken directly to the ex dil. If someone has concerns about your parenting, would you rather they go directly to you or talk behind your back about it?
Looneytune253 · 04/06/2021 08:06

If I was the DIL I would probably have sent a similar message. I would have actually been quite angry with you for what seems like bitching about me with your son. Sounds like she is doing a good job but is your son contributing much at all? That's where you should concentrate your bitching

fourminutestosavetheworld · 04/06/2021 08:08

"She should have spoken directly to the ex dil. If someone has concerns about your parenting, would you rather they go directly to you or talk behind your back about it?"

To be fair, this poster repeated what the child had said, to her own son, at pick up.

In rl I think most people in that position would have done the same.

Not many would have handed gc over cheerily, saying nothing, then rang dil.

The issue really is that her son blew it up, handled it badly and dropped his mum in it.

OP, only you know whether the comments on here are justified. If you feel that you regularly overstep or interfere, or spoke to your son to cause tension, then I hope lessons have been learnt.

If it was a well-meant comment, then you now know that your son can't be sensible in such situations. Either way, I hope you manage to work it out with your dil. If her comments are true, it sounds like she's doing a great job there by herself.

Dunkindonuts8 · 04/06/2021 08:13

I bet she is so glad she is your ex DIL and doesn't have to put up with your nonsense anymore.

Rubyupbeat · 04/06/2021 08:17

I feel it's a polite and reassuring response.

phoenixrosehere · 04/06/2021 08:41

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong and neither has the DIL. The child told her grandmother that she wasn't doing her homework at home. What was she supposed to do with that information?

Ask her son about his involvement in his daughter’s school work since he is her father and should know what is going on. MIL could have completely left her DIL out of it and asked her son how his daughter is doing in school. If he doesn’t know, she should be asking him why not. IME, most parents tell their own parents how well they’re children are doing in school so OP not knowing and taking her gd’s word for it says she’s doesn’t seem to know much if anything at all.

OP could have added the age of her gd but either way she was unreasonable to make such an assumption without getting more details from her son. Plus, if it was true, she should be asking her son what HE was going to do about it.

clpsmum · 04/06/2021 08:51

Glad it offended you I feel
Offended on behalf of your ex dil. Glad she got out

phoenixrosehere · 04/06/2021 08:59

*their

babybabybabybabymother · 04/06/2021 09:10

Sounds to me like a child didn't want to do her homework at dads house and said 'I don't do it at mums house' to try to get out of it.
And a disgruntled ex took this as 'mum is incompetent' and husbands mum agreed and they had a little bitch about it.
If I was your dil I'd be laughing reading this! and I'd be very very happy that you're bitter because your grandchild is doing well in school and has a mother who cares about her education

OhGiveUp · 04/06/2021 09:21

To be fair OP, the response you would have got from me would have made your former DIL response look like it had been written by Mary Poppins after an entire bag full of sugar.
Your son needs to grow up too.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 04/06/2021 09:45

I bet she's thankful that she doesn't have you as a mother in law anymore! Were you so interfering when she was with you son?
I think she was perfectly polite given your interference.
Keep you beak out in future!!!

AmyDudley · 04/06/2021 10:02

I really like your XDIL - she sounds great.

What were you thinking interfering in such a way ?
I think you should apologise - your XDIL must have felt incredibly insulted at the suggestion that she was 'not bothering' with her DD, yet she managed to remain calm and polite. Lucky you - next time you stick your beak in you may end up really souring relations, - this time your XDIL has stayed measured and polite - but I imagine she will have a breaking point, as anyone would if this kind of rude interfering continues.

Grapewrath · 04/06/2021 11:41

I think you interfered without reading and you are now embarrassed as your DIL called you out on it. I’d be embarrassed too if I were you tbh
Your ex DIL sounds far more reasonable than you

MiniCooperLover · 04/06/2021 11:53

Nothing passive aggressive about it! You were rude to mention it, and why is your DS not receiving any criticism here? How much does he parent?

PurpleMustang · 04/06/2021 11:54

The issue here is your son. When your granddaughter said it and you mentioned it to him, rather than then stirring things up with her mum, he should know enough about his own child to have sent the response her mother did. Maybe that is also a point she was making by messaging you, she shouldn't have to, your own son should know already. And heads up, kids fib, exaggerate, miss out vital information all the time

CokeDrinker · 04/06/2021 12:29

That's a very friendly and polite post. What is 'condescending' about it???? ??

socalledfriend · 04/06/2021 12:31

@namechange30455

I think she has been remarkably nice to you tbh - I'd have been much ruder!
Exactly this!!! YABVVU

If this is your idea of an unreasonable DIL I can see why we get so many MIL threads......

WellLarDeDar · 04/06/2021 12:32

YABU. And you should probably not interfere any more!

zingally · 04/06/2021 12:49

She was telling you to butt out, and rightly so.

Absolutely none of your business.

LannieDuck · 04/06/2021 13:09

I'm curious how much homework gd does at her Dad's house?

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