To think this message for my ex dil was condescending?

[fieldsofgold65]

My ex dil sent me a message this morning as I had mentioned to my son that my gd had said her homework wasn't getting done at her mums house.

She sent the following - 'hi fieldsofgold, just off phone from (my sons name) and he mentioned that gd had told you that she doesn't do her homework at my house and that you were concerned that I 'just wasn't bothering'. Just to let you know that gd does do her homework at my house, I have her full time so of course she has to do her homework at my house. I'm not sure why she said that and will discuss with her in the morning, if she feels she is doing too little homework then I can definitely give her more work. She is in top maths and top spelling group at school, and we read every night before bed reading a page each as we go. Her teacher is thrilled with her both socially and academically, she says she is perfectly behaved and a joy to have in class so I am not worried about her in the slightest and her homework is certainly being done x'

I mentioned it to my son out of concern however I wish I hadn't bothered now. Her message has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I find it condescending and a passive aggressive attempt at her telling me to butt out. AIBU?

You are being massively, massively unreasonable - why on Earth would you think otherwise? Your ex-DIL has far more restraint than most would have had. I think you should apologise for sticking your ear in and implying your ex-DIL was neglecting her parenting duties.

YABU.

@fieldsofgold65

Thanks everyone, message received.

No comment about your sons's lack of parenting then? what a surprise. Bet he's the Golden Boy who can do no wrong in your eyes. Hope this thread has given you some food for thought OP.

#StillTeamDIL

Well no doubt OP has stopped reading, but just in case...

@fieldsofgold65 ask yourself this: when you mentioned it to your son, why wasn’t he able to re-assure that his child was top set maths and spelling, and tell you that when he reads with her, she’s clearly doing well? And therefore can homework or not, she’s doing OK.

She was right it'll teach you not to be so quick to judge without evidence in the future.

If my MIL said that and I got a call from my ex you would have got a much more condescending response from me

"ask yourself this: when you mentioned it to your son, why wasn’t he able to re-assure that his child was top set maths and spelling, and tell you that when he reads with her, she’s clearly doing well? And therefore can homework or not, she’s doing OK."

Very good point here. I think her message was polite, I don't read it as passive aggressive or condescending at all, just factual. And quite polite really, given that you appeared to be criticising her parenting and your son didn’t step in to reassure you.

I'd have told you to piss off and mind your own business so I think DIL was restrained.

Your concern makes you sound like one of the many MILs often complained about on mumsnet

Imagine how she felt having the father of her child's mother make such accusations?

Her reply is clear and measured. She reassured you she is doing homework and is doing well in school.

What exactly would you rather the outcome was?

YWBU and she had every right to put you straight.

Disclaimer: haven’t RTFT in case it’s a reverse.