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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this message for my ex dil was condescending?

260 replies

fieldsofgold65 · 03/06/2021 22:28

My ex dil sent me a message this morning as I had mentioned to my son that my gd had said her homework wasn't getting done at her mums house.

She sent the following - 'hi fieldsofgold, just off phone from (my sons name) and he mentioned that gd had told you that she doesn't do her homework at my house and that you were concerned that I 'just wasn't bothering'. Just to let you know that gd does do her homework at my house, I have her full time so of course she has to do her homework at my house. I'm not sure why she said that and will discuss with her in the morning, if she feels she is doing too little homework then I can definitely give her more work. She is in top maths and top spelling group at school, and we read every night before bed reading a page each as we go. Her teacher is thrilled with her both socially and academically, she says she is perfectly behaved and a joy to have in class so I am not worried about her in the slightest and her homework is certainly being done x'

I mentioned it to my son out of concern however I wish I hadn't bothered now. Her message has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I find it condescending and a passive aggressive attempt at her telling me to butt out. AIBU?

OP posts:
Thegoodandbadlife · 03/06/2021 23:25

Kids will say silly things as you now and maybe whilst she is factually correct that it’s not done at home - it could in garden/ at the childminders or school if they have prep etc. Unfortunately when using the written word it’s easy to miss understand the writers intended meaning especially if you’re expecting even subconsciously it to be a particular way. To me that message is polite and factual to reassure you that all is good and your grandchild is telling porkies. Maybe it’s a form of flattery to you and she wants you to do homework with her instead of her Mum! Also sadly as your concern was relayed through a third party who knows how and what. Maybe next time try and quiz your grandchild more is she says comments. I remember my brother telling my Grandparents Mum hadn’t given him any tea and they told her off. Turns out he refused the tea because it had too many vegetables in so he wouldn’t eat it at all and knew Nanny had sausages and chips in the freezer.

blisstwins · 03/06/2021 23:27

She is doing all the heavy lifting in terms of parenting and you were passive aggressive...she was probably seething, but handled it much better than I would have. She seems lovely and it was awful that that got back to her from you. You owe her an apology.

ittakes2 · 03/06/2021 23:28

Interestingly, I didn't see you did anything wrong mentioning it to your son - and I didn't see anything wrong her clarifying with you that it was being done. Maybe it would have been better she just told your son and he told you - but maybe she wasn't confident he would pass the message on.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2021 23:28

Let me guess, you never had anything nice to say about her when she and your son's we're still married either.

Babynames2 · 03/06/2021 23:28

If you actually said that you were concerned that she ‘just wasn’t bothering’ then you are so, so out of order. If you had said ‘GD said this, pretty sure that’s not the case but I’m just letting you know’ to your son then that would have been okay. Not really your place but at least just letting him know what was said. Sounds more like you were criticising your ex-DIL. I’d have been far less diplomatic about it if I were her.

This is the only passive aggressive but I see I have her full time so of course she has to do her homework at my house and she has a point. If she has her full time, she knows far more about the goings on of her life than you or your son.

PuffItsGone · 03/06/2021 23:29

You need to mind your own business.

GCAcademic · 03/06/2021 23:29

That is an exceptionally polite message, given your interference.

GuiltyPleasure · 03/06/2021 23:30

This is either a reverse, or there'll be a massive drip-feed, or the OP will never return to thread. Whatever..from the original post the OP is completely in the wrong. I'd have been much less passively aggressive in response!

ittakes2 · 03/06/2021 23:30

I don't know why you are getting a hard time though for telling your son what your gd said - homework is important - if the situation was true with your gd it was something that needed to be addressed. Sounds like maybe your gd's idea of homework is different to her mum's though!

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/06/2021 23:32

@ittakes2

I don't know why you are getting a hard time though for telling your son what your gd said - homework is important - if the situation was true with your gd it was something that needed to be addressed. Sounds like maybe your gd's idea of homework is different to her mum's though!
Because it's none of the OP's business.

HTH.

moynomore · 03/06/2021 23:33

@ittakes2

I don't know why you are getting a hard time though for telling your son what your gd said - homework is important - if the situation was true with your gd it was something that needed to be addressed. Sounds like maybe your gd's idea of homework is different to her mum's though!
Because it is soooo none of the ex MIL's business.
LovelyLadyLily · 03/06/2021 23:35

OP, be careful. It doesn't sound like your son does a lot of the care so any time you get to spend with your grandchild(ren) will be based on the mum's goodwill. Which - quite rightly - is very thin on the ground right now. Just enjoy your grandchildren and don't get involved with things that don't concern you.

Nitpickpicnic · 03/06/2021 23:36

So you got in touch directly with your exDIL, as you regularly do to support her and your dgd. You’d heard something about homework, so you offered to help with that- in person or via video- whenever it was needed? Cause you understand how hard the resident parent burden is, and know that raising a child takes sacrifice and effort from the whole family? You did some research on dgd’s homework, the type and expectations from her school, so you could be informed and help more usefully, right?

Oh wait....

What I read in your post is that one of the women is parenting like a champ. The other one needs to step up her game.

Bucklestimeshare · 03/06/2021 23:39

I think we all wish you hadn’t said anything too.

BlueButtercups · 03/06/2021 23:43

Your exDIL sounds like a good Mum..

She's making it clear the your Grand daughter is not only achieving, she's achieving well.

Be proud 🌸

chocatoo · 03/06/2021 23:46

Yep, butt out!! How would you have felt if your MIL had made a critical comment like that?! DIL sounds great.

katy1213 · 03/06/2021 23:50

She's not attempting to tell you - she's telling you.

MintyMabel · 03/06/2021 23:54

Yeah, I read it as condescending and quite PA. But deservedly so. I’d do the same if my MIL tried to interfere like that.

pallisers · 04/06/2021 00:01

in this situation I'd be annoyed at my son - not my DIL.

That reply was not condescending or PA at all. Just a clear attempt to reply civily to a woman whose son said she was concerned the girl's mother "wasn't bothering". you could have got a lot worse without it being unreasonable.

text her back and say " you are such a great mother and she is an amazing child - well done"

And tell your son that he has a child in common with his ex for the rest of their lives so stop passing on criticism and spreading discord and instead try to figure out how to be a good parent with his ex.

ittakes2 · 04/06/2021 00:01

Sorry FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop & allLovelyLadyLily
I am the first to be m'n'law suspicious as mine has been so awful I am low contact...but the OP said " I had mentioned to my son that my gd had said her homework wasn't getting done at her mums house" - she repeated to him what her gd had said.
If the OP feels something is a red flag - whatever that is - she should on her conscious mention it to a parent of her gd. She has no idea how this message was passed to the child's mother.
I agree with everyone I thought the mother's response was reasonable.
But what is not reasonable is the Op is this has turned into a m'n'law bashing thread.

GabsAlot · 04/06/2021 00:03

how old is the gc-they come out with silly things sometimes or just the wrong thing all you had to do was make it lighthearted and say oh you must be wrong or just talk abiut what homework she does and you could ave got to the bottom of it

ZenNudist · 04/06/2021 00:07

Must be a reverse. YABU

Anotheruser02 · 04/06/2021 00:09

I would have told you to fuck off. She was extra nice.

GreenClock · 04/06/2021 00:11

She sounds civil and measured. I admire her restraint. She must have been livid.

Be a little more careful next time. You need better boundaries.

wildeverose · 04/06/2021 00:14

Your right, you shouldn't have bothered, it's none of your business and you're stirring shit.
I'd have told you to fuck off, so she's a better woman than I am!