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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this message for my ex dil was condescending?

260 replies

fieldsofgold65 · 03/06/2021 22:28

My ex dil sent me a message this morning as I had mentioned to my son that my gd had said her homework wasn't getting done at her mums house.

She sent the following - 'hi fieldsofgold, just off phone from (my sons name) and he mentioned that gd had told you that she doesn't do her homework at my house and that you were concerned that I 'just wasn't bothering'. Just to let you know that gd does do her homework at my house, I have her full time so of course she has to do her homework at my house. I'm not sure why she said that and will discuss with her in the morning, if she feels she is doing too little homework then I can definitely give her more work. She is in top maths and top spelling group at school, and we read every night before bed reading a page each as we go. Her teacher is thrilled with her both socially and academically, she says she is perfectly behaved and a joy to have in class so I am not worried about her in the slightest and her homework is certainly being done x'

I mentioned it to my son out of concern however I wish I hadn't bothered now. Her message has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I find it condescending and a passive aggressive attempt at her telling me to butt out. AIBU?

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 03/06/2021 22:49

What a great Ex DIL you have. Your grand daughter is very lucky.

Apologise for over stepping and I'm site she will be gracious.

IveNameChangedAgain2020 · 03/06/2021 22:51

So your DIL has your GD and you and your son feel like you have a place to comment?

Unbelievable.

TeamDIL

Merryoldgoat · 03/06/2021 22:51

She’s more polite than I’d have been.

IveNameChangedAgain2020 · 03/06/2021 22:51

*fulltime

MangosteenSoda · 03/06/2021 22:52

Did your gd say why ‘her hw wasn’t getting done?’ It’s a strange phrase because, obviously, she’s the one who should be doing it, not someone getting it done for her. I’d have asked her what she meant and before expressing concern.

The text you got is quite similar to what I would send to my ex mil. Basically polite and factual. I like mil, but at the same time don’t want to have to justify/explain my parenting to her and I think it’s quite easy for boundaries to naturally be strained in this kind of situation.

It does annoy me when mil says anything to my ex because I have DC full time with all the strains and compromises that entails, so any comments feel like nitpicking even if they weren’t intended as such. I do understand that she’s going to have conversations with her about stuff though, as that’s also normal life.

I don’t think either of you have been particularly unreasonable. Maybe your son was a bit insensitive in his approach, or maybe dil was a bit sensitive. All in all it sounds like you have good communication with your dil. The text is fine. Better that she’s open and direct than stewing or resentful.

SantaSue · 03/06/2021 22:53

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I agree she was MASSIVELY polite. Far politer than I've been in a similar situation. Not with My exMIL though, she is a really lovely woman, but exSIL is like you OP. In the lockdown earlier this year she messaged me (after, on exH's weekend, he fobbed the kids off onto his sister) saying "(my DD's name) bike is way too small for her, we've just been on a bike ride and she was struggling to peddle"

Now considering I live 120 miles away from exH, I wondered why she thought the bike in question was supplied by me. But she does have form for thinking I should carry on doing the wife work after our divorce. I didn't pontificate writing about how to take this up with exH - after several weeks doing online teaching/home schooling and trying not to slowly have a nervous breakdown, I just replied saying "I couldn't give a flying fuck Michelle".

Happy to give your DIL advice if you wish.

Amazing!
Dixiechickonhols · 03/06/2021 22:53

She was extremely polite I’d have been fuming. Children say stuff. By her comment I have DC full time I assume your son isn’t parenting 50/50. She’s dealt with homeschooling etc and you are having a dig.

ColintheCrow · 03/06/2021 22:53

Mind your own business. I would have been much harsher.

UpTheJunktion · 03/06/2021 22:54

I think we need to hear the details as to how she came to be an ex DIL....

Misty84 · 03/06/2021 22:54

Doesn’t sound like a condescending message to me OP.

itsnotnormalisit · 03/06/2021 22:54

Yabvu! For one stop trying to twist the exdil to look bad. For two she's a single mum doing her best and you should be bigging her up because sounds like dg is thriving and three, kids bullshit endlessly especially when they think grandma is fishing to give them the sympathy vote

3orangekissesfromkazan · 03/06/2021 22:55

Anyone seen the OP....? 👀

toto23 · 03/06/2021 22:55

YABVU

JustLyra · 03/06/2021 22:56

If you did tell your son that you thought she “just wasn’t bothering” then you got a remarkably polite reply to a snide and rude comment you made.

If you mentioned what your GD said to your son and he then twisted it as “My mum says she thinks you’re just not bothering” then she’s given you a good heads up about what your son is like.

NurseryFlirt · 03/06/2021 22:58

This won't take long to be taken down for "privacy" reasons.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 03/06/2021 22:58

I don't think either of you did anything wrong really.

If your gc said that then of course you would tell her father.

But then of course dil is going to want to set the record straight since it seems that there has been a misunderstanding that implies criticism of her parenting, and her message is fine.

I'd be a bit cross with gc for lying but of course keep that one to myself since she's a child, but then also cross with her dad as it doesn't sound like he's handled it very diplomatically.

Personally I'd reply to apologise for causing offence, and to explain that you were just worried for gc after she told you that she wasn't doing her homework, I don't think what you did was unreasonable and I think most people could understand why you'd pass that message on to your son.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 03/06/2021 22:59

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I agree she was MASSIVELY polite. Far politer than I've been in a similar situation. Not with My exMIL though, she is a really lovely woman, but exSIL is like you OP. In the lockdown earlier this year she messaged me (after, on exH's weekend, he fobbed the kids off onto his sister) saying "(my DD's name) bike is way too small for her, we've just been on a bike ride and she was struggling to peddle"

Now considering I live 120 miles away from exH, I wondered why she thought the bike in question was supplied by me. But she does have form for thinking I should carry on doing the wife work after our divorce. I didn't pontificate writing about how to take this up with exH - after several weeks doing online teaching/home schooling and trying not to slowly have a nervous breakdown, I just replied saying "I couldn't give a flying fuck Michelle".

Happy to give your DIL advice if you wish.

Now that's the way to do it. Short and succint.
Terminallysleepdeprived · 03/06/2021 22:59

Honestly i think your anger should be at your son for being a big mouth and you got off lightly.

I strongly suspect that you are gonna give a massive drip feed that shows you sticking your oar in on numerous things that are none of your business

EmphaticPeriod · 03/06/2021 22:59

Nothing wrong with that message. Had this been a vote it would have been bloody close to 100% YABU.

Confusedandshaken · 03/06/2021 22:59

She is literate, well mannered and patient. More than you deserve tbh.

Pollypudding · 03/06/2021 22:59

Also a MIL here. I think you did overstep a bit but out of concern for your GD. I don’t think it is helpful to think team DIL vs team MIL as you are all surely team GD.
I think your DIL has been polite and diplomatic but also firm with her boundaries. My advice, for what it is worth, is leave the day to day life management to DIL and support GD by being the fun GP- win-win!

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 03/06/2021 23:00

YABU but you know that already surely?

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/06/2021 23:01

That was a very well thought out and kind message especially considering what you said about her.

Hankunamatata · 03/06/2021 23:03

I'm guessing your son went all accusing at ex and stirred it up. I think her message was fine

DancyNancy · 03/06/2021 23:04

Yabu. I don't see anything wrong with that message. Also think this is a reverse!

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