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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son wants GF to stay over.....

234 replies

steinber · 02/06/2021 11:46

My son is 17 his GF 16. They've been together almost a year though the pandemic did restrict them from seeing each other for a while. They are both sensible but young for their age. I'm not aware of there being a ongoing sexual relationship. Is it really any of my business? He's our first born so this situation is new to us.

Today my son asked if his GF can stay over on Friday night. Im sure he means in with him and not the guest room! I'm not entirely comfortable about it. We have another child (11). I'm trying to be rational etc but can't really explain why I'm not ready for that to happen in my home yet. I need some advice and opinions. AIBU?

OP posts:
JackieTheFart · 02/06/2021 12:00

It’s perfectly acceptable to say exactly what you’ve said here - no, you’ll consider it for the future but you’re not comfortable with it at the moment.

Or, yes, but she has to stay in the guest room.

MinesAPintOfTea · 02/06/2021 12:01

They’ve been together for a year and are old enough to move out. Probably time to relax a bit...

neroforte · 02/06/2021 12:03

@MinesAPintOfTea

They’ve been together for a year and are old enough to move out. Probably time to relax a bit...
agree
Catflapkitkat · 02/06/2021 12:04

You say yes, but in the spare room (your house your rules) and then ignore the sound of someone sneaking along the corridor

MaMaD1990 · 02/06/2021 12:04

If you're not comfortable with it right now just say she has to be in the guest bedroom until you know her a bit better (if that is the case). Nothing wrong with that.

WhatdoImean · 02/06/2021 12:05

On one hand, "your house, your rules"

However.... the truth is, if they ARE having a sexual relationship (and at that age, it is quite possible), then not having her stop over seems a bit insensitive? May be the wrong word, but if you want an accepting relationship with your DS where he can talk to you, I think saying (effectively) "Sex outside the house is fine - go find a car somewhere - but inside the house is not OK"?

To be honest, not an easy one, though I would come down on letting them do what they want - far more important is that the relationship itself is mutually supportive, and that they are using contraception, than where they actually DTD.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/06/2021 12:06

I was living independently at 17. YABU.

blahblahblah321 · 02/06/2021 12:07

I think if you're not comfortable then that's an acceptable reason to say no. Also, do you think her parents know she's staying? I'd feel wary of allowing it to happen if her parents aren't happy with it

My sister in law is currently having a few issues with her 16 year old. She isn't happy for her daughters boyfriend to stay over, and doesn't want her staying there either. Unfortunately the boyfriends parents don't sing off the same hymn sheet, which has made it difficult for SIL

NanaNorasNaughtyKnickers · 02/06/2021 12:09

@Catflapkitkat

You say yes, but in the spare room (your house your rules) and then ignore the sound of someone sneaking along the corridor
My parents were like that - I'm not really sure what the point is though. Surely better to be honest?
RipplesBips · 02/06/2021 12:10

I would absolutely allow this - unless her parents have expressed an issue. For starters, whether they stay in the same bed at night has zero impact on whether they have sex, how much they have or how safe they are. Secondly, creating unnecessary hurdles for things they want to do will simply mean that they lie to you about what they're doing, and resent you for making their relationship more difficult. Thirdly, your 11yo finding out that people in a long-term relationship share beds really won't damage them - I assume you've shared beds with partners or a partner? An 11yo 100000% knows what sex is and what's happening.
I can't see any reason to say no to be honest - and no one seems to be giving one, just saying it's your house so you have the right to stop it. Whilst it's absolutely true that it's your house and you can make whatever rules you like, DS is very unlikely to respect rules that aren't rational.

loves2plan · 02/06/2021 12:12

I would say YABU. I was in relationships young (younger than they are though parents allowed OH to stay over from 16) and I think you're a little naive to think there's not an ongoing sexual relationship. Appreciate it's your house but they've been together a while and seem sensible as you say, if you are unreasonable they will just go behind your back regardless.

RipplesBips · 02/06/2021 12:13

An important point that comes up on threads where a DH has issues with DD bed sharing or having sex is always that we need to teach DDs that they are the only people who have the right to dictate who they sleep with, who they're in a relationship with and what they consent to - it's entirely their choice. I don't see why the same doesn't apply here - if OP is allowed to tell DS how to be in a relationship and override his consent then it blurs the lines for what other women are allowed to tell him to do. It's OP's house now but in a few year's time he'll be at another woman's house and he needs to know that his personal boundaries supersede any "my house, my rules" mentality.

Seesawmummadaw · 02/06/2021 12:15

Better in the safety of your home than in the park is my take on it.

He’s 17, she’s 16.

Moonshine11 · 02/06/2021 12:17

Rather them be in my home than somewhere else tbh.
I was allowed at that age, you’ve said their sensible.

RipplesBips · 02/06/2021 12:21

@Catflapkitkat

You say yes, but in the spare room (your house your rules) and then ignore the sound of someone sneaking along the corridor
I hate this - it achieves nothing beyond intentionally making their life slightly harder to no one's benefit and encouraging them to lie and keep secrets. There's absolutely no benefit to it.
Viviennemary · 02/06/2021 12:23

No. Not allowed at this young age.

Livingmybestlifenow · 02/06/2021 12:25

At the same age my BF and I were allowed to sleep at each other’s houses, his parents made him sleep downstairs overnight, which we accepted without argument, and then left us alone in the house most of the following day...

IEat · 02/06/2021 12:26

Stay over but in separate rooms with bed at midnight.

3peassuit · 02/06/2021 12:26

They have been together a year so I would allow this. Have a conversation with him about contraception and get some condoms in.

Hoppipolla479 · 02/06/2021 12:27

I wouldn’t have a problem with this

LadyDanburysHat · 02/06/2021 12:27

Why are you uncomfortable with it? Is it a case of not wanting to think of your son as an adult?

I honestly think that after a year it is a reasonable request from him. It's hardly a one night stand situation.

flipflo · 02/06/2021 12:31

What would her parents think about it? She's 16, so it's legal, but 16's still very young.

littledrummergirl · 02/06/2021 12:31

Ds1 was slightly older when his girlfriend stayed over. She stayed in dd room and all worked well. The second time she stayed ds1 put a camp bed up in his room (we were a bit bemused) and I have no idea if it was used.
Nowadays we let them make their own arrangements which means ds1 is rearranging his room to buy a double bed.

I remember staying at my mil when I first met dh and her saying that we could share a room, it was kind but I felt embarrassed so have tried to avoid that with ds.

LucilleTheVampireBat · 02/06/2021 12:34

YABU. This is the reason I moved out at 18.

My daughter's boyfriend stays over loads. She's 18, although only turned 18 in April and he had been staying a good while before that.

neroforte · 02/06/2021 12:34

@Viviennemary

No. Not allowed at this young age.
why?