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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son wants GF to stay over.....

234 replies

steinber · 02/06/2021 11:46

My son is 17 his GF 16. They've been together almost a year though the pandemic did restrict them from seeing each other for a while. They are both sensible but young for their age. I'm not aware of there being a ongoing sexual relationship. Is it really any of my business? He's our first born so this situation is new to us.

Today my son asked if his GF can stay over on Friday night. Im sure he means in with him and not the guest room! I'm not entirely comfortable about it. We have another child (11). I'm trying to be rational etc but can't really explain why I'm not ready for that to happen in my home yet. I need some advice and opinions. AIBU?

OP posts:
newnortherner111 · 02/06/2021 12:50

Your house, your rules, so just say no. Wait for the protestations to follow.

Horehound · 02/06/2021 12:50

@scrambledcustard

I think I'd prefer to know it's been done in a safe environment and provide condoms or something!

If your children are mature enough to start having sex then surely they are old enough to procure their own contraption? If they are too embarrassed to be able to do that they need their mother to be buying condoms they absolutely should not be having sex.

Sorry no, there's nothing wrong with making sure they are going to be safe.
RipplesBips · 02/06/2021 12:50

@scrambledcustard

It's a no from me.

The are both probably still in school and need that cut off from each other. This relationship might not last and will the other GF be expected to stay over too? Then the next and the next? Its not fair on your younger child either.

Also why are teenagers classed only as adults when they start having sex? He is 17 - she is 16. They are not adults.

I never let any lads stay over. Dd1 is 25 now and isn't disturbed or damaged by it. She is an adult now and if she was to bring her boyfriend with her when she visited she would be allowed.

So, you have an issue with an 18yo bringing someone home because they might break up but not with a 25yo bringing someone home? You know 25yo have break ups too, right? I'm also confused by the "if"s - has your 25yo never brought a boy home?! My siblings are much older than I am and they had partners over - I'm not remotely scarred by it, why the hell would I be? What is actually considered to be damaging?
fashionablefennel · 02/06/2021 12:50

Waxonwaxoff0

I don't have to allow girlfriends to sleep over in my home either way.
I don't expect them to be celibate, but it doesn't mean I have to encourage anything.

I don't care if I don't look "cool" or whatever is fashionable today. I am their parent, not their friend.

NameyNameyNameChangey · 02/06/2021 12:51

You know they will just have sex elsewhere
I don't think it's so much the sex that some people object to. They just want to have it in their house. Entirely reasonable, I suppose. I don't have teenagers, don't know how I would feel.

SoupDragon · 02/06/2021 12:51

@Viviennemary

It gives a bad example to younger children in the house. And encourages promiscuity.
🤣🤣🤣
SleepingStandingUp · 02/06/2021 12:52

It would be a no from me at this age though and it would be because of setting a precedent. That might make me miserable but as the twins are likely to still be sharing a room at that age and DS quite possibly still at home, it wouldn't seem fair to have let his gf's stay over from 16 but then not them because they share

VioletCharlotte · 02/06/2021 12:52

It's really down to you and what you feel comfortable with. I did allow my DS to have his gf stay over at 16. Teens will always find somewhere to have sex, and my view was that I would rather they were at home safe. I did speak to his gf's Mum (unbeknown to DS!) to make sure she was ok with it too.

There's no right or wrong answer though. I know plenty of parents who wouldn't be comfortable and it's your home so you're perfectly entitled to say no.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/06/2021 12:52

@fashionablefennel

Waxonwaxoff0

I don't have to allow girlfriends to sleep over in my home either way.
I don't expect them to be celibate, but it doesn't mean I have to encourage anything.

I don't care if I don't look "cool" or whatever is fashionable today. I am their parent, not their friend.

You don't have to, but I just find it a bit odd that you'd rather them have sex in random places than at home. Cos they will have sex either way.
scrambledcustard · 02/06/2021 12:53

Hmm not necessarily! I know a girl who's parents never let any boy sleep over...she found a fair few other places to have sex and with many many boys! I think she ended up as a stripper for a short time, actually

I'd be willing to bet that there was much more going on here than strict parents. Being told you can't have a boyfriend sleep over shouldn't mean you are promiscuous as a young girl then go in to stripping. This girl clearly had self esteem issues going on

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/06/2021 12:53

@NameyNameyNameChangey

You know they will just have sex elsewhere I don't think it's so much the sex that some people object to. They just want to have it in their house. Entirely reasonable, I suppose. I don't have teenagers, don't know how I would feel.
Where do they expect them to have sex then, down an alley way? I'd rather my child be comfortable in their own home than them feel they have to find any random place to have sex.
Washimal · 02/06/2021 12:55

I wouldn’t want to encourage an intense relationship at that age.

I work with teenagers and IME the more parents discourage the relationship the more intense it becomes!

BarbedBloom · 02/06/2021 12:55

It is your decision but I would be fine with it. They are almost certainly already having sex and they have been together for a year anyway.

I suppose I am biased as I wasn't allowed my long term boyfriend to stay over and I moved out as soon as I turned 18, but in that case it mainly pissed me off as my younger brother was allowed his gf to stay. I am fairly relaxed about sex though, if both legal, I don't see the issue with them being able to be together somewhere other than the park, a car etc.

cjpark · 02/06/2021 12:56

DS and his gf are 16. We have a 'can sleep over' and be in the same room until 12, then gf sleeps in a spare room. Her parents do the same.

SpacePug · 02/06/2021 12:56

I would say not until both are 18

mogsrus · 02/06/2021 12:56

You say you are not comfy with the situation,it's your house,your rules,he's 17 ok when he gets his own space,he can do whatever he likes,until then, go jump,you are the parent,so act like one.

hatcoatscarfalcohol · 02/06/2021 12:56

@scrambledcustard

It's a no from me.

The are both probably still in school and need that cut off from each other. This relationship might not last and will the other GF be expected to stay over too? Then the next and the next? Its not fair on your younger child either.

Also why are teenagers classed only as adults when they start having sex? He is 17 - she is 16. They are not adults.

I never let any lads stay over. Dd1 is 25 now and isn't disturbed or damaged by it. She is an adult now and if she was to bring her boyfriend with her when she visited she would be allowed.

Just because they're physically mature doesn't mean they're emotionally mature enough for that kind of relationship.

They're both minors, you're his parent. Having reasonable boundaries and sticking to them is part of being his parent.

There is a world of difference between accepting that they may already be having a sexual relationship and actively encouraging them to pursue a sexual relationship in circumstances that are more intense than they're equipped to cope with (because you want to be the cool parent).

The latter is what you would be doing here.

spotcheck · 02/06/2021 12:56

I based my decision on

  1. their age ( I was ok with it from 17)
  2. relationship
  3. based on the wishes of the other parents as well.

Both my kids had sleepovers with girlfriend/ boyfriends but both started off in the spare room until the relationship progressed.

In your circumstance, I would have a chat with your son about safe sex/ consent/ respect etc, and also see what the wishes of the other parents are.

I'm forever astounded that on MN, 16 is either old enough to move out, or too young to be alone and unsupervised
😂

RipplesBips · 02/06/2021 12:56

@Washimal

I wouldn’t want to encourage an intense relationship at that age.

I work with teenagers and IME the more parents discourage the relationship the more intense it becomes!

This could not be more true. They become united against the common enemy hahaha.
hatcoatscarfalcohol · 02/06/2021 13:00

Where do they expect them to have sex then, down an alley way?

Yeh, because the only possible outcomes are encouraging children to have sex in your house or them having sex in alleyways. Hmm

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/06/2021 13:00

I’d allow mine at 18 but not before then. Until then they are still children and have to abide by the house rules.
Very welcome to come over at any time but not spending the night together.

fashionablefennel · 02/06/2021 13:03

I work with teenagers and IME the more parents discourage the relationship the more intense it becomes!

you are confusing "discouraging" and trying to "ban" or "forbidding".

not the same, not the same results.

SunshineCake · 02/06/2021 13:04

Whatever you want is fine.

Some would be telling you you are being silly etc.

We aren't allowing our dd to have her older boyfriend stay in her room. She's not happy. Irrelevant what is going on. Our house, our decision. Once they have been together longer and we know him better then we might rethink but might not too.

Washimal · 02/06/2021 13:05

fashionablefennel I'm not confusing anything. Just speaking from my experience, if you disagree that's fine.

SpeakingFranglais · 02/06/2021 13:07

As someone who has two adult children, the oldest who had loads of girlfriends, I would say no. They’re too young and you have other DC to consider.

Once both DC were over 18 and their partners were too I relaxed the rules.

Mine did this at a similar age and kicked up a fuss so I said ok, if the girls mother called me directly and confirmed she was happy with the arrangements.

She never did.

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