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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son wants GF to stay over.....

234 replies

steinber · 02/06/2021 11:46

My son is 17 his GF 16. They've been together almost a year though the pandemic did restrict them from seeing each other for a while. They are both sensible but young for their age. I'm not aware of there being a ongoing sexual relationship. Is it really any of my business? He's our first born so this situation is new to us.

Today my son asked if his GF can stay over on Friday night. Im sure he means in with him and not the guest room! I'm not entirely comfortable about it. We have another child (11). I'm trying to be rational etc but can't really explain why I'm not ready for that to happen in my home yet. I need some advice and opinions. AIBU?

OP posts:
LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 02/06/2021 13:09

Christ, not all of us were at it as soon as the clock struck midnight on the eve of our sixteenth birthdays. They may be shagging, but they may very well be not. And either way, you not compelled to allow it. Give her the guest room. No drama.

SunnyMustard · 02/06/2021 13:10

YANBU ...totally fine to feel uncomfortable.

Kyph · 02/06/2021 13:12

I would allow it.
When mine were that age I decided that if they were over 16 and in a long term relationship I wanted them to be comfortable bringing GF home and that I would allow it providing the girl's parents were happy. Actually DS was 18 before that happened, before that there was a casual girl friend who stayed, but in the spare room.

Ensure there is a frank if embarrassing discussion about contraception and STDs. Also make sure he actually knows how to get hold of condoms. I bought a box and told DS they were in the bathroom cupboard if he wanted them.

cindarellasbelly · 02/06/2021 13:14

There's an ongoing thread on here with a mother whose similarly aged son is in a controlling relationship, it has escalated to him moving out and moving in with the girlfriend's family. Absolutely no doubt there is coercive control going on.

The problem is, under 18 they're still children and still, to various extents, figuring out relationships. I know lots of people who felt 'stuck' staying in their first serious relationship because they didn't know how to get out - parents got on, girlfriend/boyfriend were being treated almost like in-laws, they liked their partners parents and siblings, even though the relationship had run its course and they felt external pressure to stay.

The thing about young relationships is the parents do more than condone them. If you were 23, or 27, you probably wouldn't bring your girlfriend on holiday with your parents unless it was incredibly serious, but as teenagers with nowhere else to go relationships can become almost like those with in-laws. I think its good for parents to impose some boundaries. I'd say no personally. Its not so much about the sex, I think its mostly about not knowing what other pressures there are, not making the relationship too 'serious' too soon and being an external factor putting the breaks on in case they're needed.

Holly60 · 02/06/2021 13:15

@steinber

My son is 17 his GF 16. They've been together almost a year though the pandemic did restrict them from seeing each other for a while. They are both sensible but young for their age. I'm not aware of there being a ongoing sexual relationship. Is it really any of my business? He's our first born so this situation is new to us.

Today my son asked if his GF can stay over on Friday night. Im sure he means in with him and not the guest room! I'm not entirely comfortable about it. We have another child (11). I'm trying to be rational etc but can't really explain why I'm not ready for that to happen in my home yet. I need some advice and opinions. AIBU?

Why don’t you ask to speak to her mum and dad and agree ground rules together. I’m sure they don’t really want their 16 year old daughter sleeping in the same room as her bf either.
ThornAmongstRoses · 02/06/2021 13:15

I was allowed to sleep at my boyfriend’s house from when I was 16 - he was 17.

Despite staying overnight with him 1-2 times a week we still didn’t start having sex until at least 3-4 months later because that’s when I felt ready to.

Just because they’re at an age where they can have sex that doesn’t mean they are.

Just because they’ll be sharing a bed that doesn’t mean they’ll be having sex.

If your son is a good and responsible lad (which he sounds like he is) and you have her parent’s agreement then I would allow it.

celiamary · 02/06/2021 13:17

I think it a valid point about her parents being aware and comfortable about it. You don't want to be accused of 'encouraging' or enabling. That could also make difficulties for your DS' relationship with her parents.

Ask her if she has had 'the conversation' with her mother.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/06/2021 13:17

@hatcoatscarfalcohol
I do agree they’re not adults. However, this sounds like a mature and stable relationship (unless op says otherwise). On this basis, I absolutely think treating these young people like adults would be appropriate. He isn’t asking his gf to move in or to stay every weekend. Personally having been that child, who had sex in inappropriate places, I’d rather my child was safe than going to secluded places and taking risks.

Butterfly44 · 02/06/2021 13:19

Are the girls parents ok with it? If so, then not a problem. They've been together a while so it's not like it's a few weeks in.

nancyclancy123 · 02/06/2021 13:19

My son and his gf are the same age and she’s stayed the night a couple of times.
She sleeps in his bed and he sleeps on the sofa, but this is mainly because I don’t really know her parents.

I would much rather they were adult about things and safe, then sneaking around behind our backs.

EverythingRuined · 02/06/2021 13:21

I would and did say yes when my kids were this age. Kids were older 16 years olds rather than just turned 16. I was comfortable with it as kids were all respectful and had been with their gfs/bfs a good while. I’d have said no if it was a one night stand.

The fact you have an 11 year old makes no difference to what I think. Tbh they would be far more disturbed at the thought of you and your partner having sex than their sibling.
If you do allow it I would use it as an opportunity to remind your son about birth control.
I also think it’s ok to say no if I really makes you feel uncomfortable. It is your house.

2bazookas · 02/06/2021 13:22

As they are so immature and she's only 16 I would reply " I will have to discuss that with her parents and see if they agree. I also need to know FROM YOU what you;re doing about contraception as you dont want you to mess up your A levels

Either could take the wind out of their sails.

Original poster
steinber · 02/06/2021 13:23

I don't know her parents so I don't know how they feel about it.

OP posts:
EverythingRuined · 02/06/2021 13:24

Why don’t you ask to speak to her mum and dad and agree ground rules together. I’m sure they don’t really want their 16 year old daughter sleeping in the same room as her bf either

Oh dear god, I’d have rather stayed celebrate that have my parents call my boyfriends parents to discuss our sex life 😂😂😂. How exactly do you think that conversation would go?

I didn’t check with my kids girlfriends or boyfriends partners parents - at 16/17 I think the kids should be speaking to their own parents.

notalwaysalondoner · 02/06/2021 13:26

My parents asked my boyfriend (now DH) to stay in guest room for the first few times (we were at uni so he stayed infrequently but for several nights in a row in the holidays). We were fine with it - of course we found ways to get up to things anyway. Your DS is younger though so make more of a scene about it, but I expect he’ll be too embarrassed. But completely fine for you to ask this, don’t be apologetic, just say she’ll be staying in the guest room until you know her better and are more comfortable (or you can skip the “until” part altogether).

loves2plan · 02/06/2021 13:26

@EverythingRuined completely agree!

PleasantBirthday · 02/06/2021 13:28

I think I would also be uncomfortable with what you've described, OP. If they've been seeing each other for the last year, they've been very restricted and haven't seen an awful lot of each other which means, to me, they can't really have developed much of a relationship.

Maybe the guest room for now until you get to know the girl a bit better and understand their relationship? You can say no for now but that you're not saying no forever.

Babynames2 · 02/06/2021 13:28

I would allow it, emphasising that it’s because they’ve been together a year so it’s not just a short relationship, but ask to speak to her parents to double check that they’re okay with it first. I would also be having a chat about contraception and made sure that he knows how to access it/has money to buy condoms etc. I’d also make sure he knew that if there is at some point a pregnancy or pregnancy scare then he could come to me immediately.

They’re probably having sex anyway, I was at that age and pretending it’s not happening is pointless. I’d rather they felt they could come and speak to me if needed.

Nanny0gg · 02/06/2021 13:30

@Waxonwaxoff0

I was living independently at 17. YABU.
Well, he isn't.
Slipperfairy · 02/06/2021 13:31

I stayed over at my boyfriend 's from just turned 17. He was 21 though. We'd been having sex in his room for a few months before that though, so staying over didn't make much difference.

Serpenta · 02/06/2021 13:31

Hmm not necessarily! I know a girl who's parents never let any boy sleep over...she found a fair few other places to have sex and with many many boys! I think she ended up as a stripper for a short time, actually.

Beware, OP! Your son will become a promiscuous Chippendale unless you allow this. Or something.

Mumoftwo1990 · 02/06/2021 13:32

@steinber

My son is 17 his GF 16. They've been together almost a year though the pandemic did restrict them from seeing each other for a while. They are both sensible but young for their age. I'm not aware of there being a ongoing sexual relationship. Is it really any of my business? He's our first born so this situation is new to us.

Today my son asked if his GF can stay over on Friday night. Im sure he means in with him and not the guest room! I'm not entirely comfortable about it. We have another child (11). I'm trying to be rational etc but can't really explain why I'm not ready for that to happen in my home yet. I need some advice and opinions. AIBU?

I'd would say to let her stay over. Explain to your son your worries so you're being open and honest, this hopefully means that he'll be considerate/respectful in whatever they do or don't do.
AudreyAnyNews · 02/06/2021 13:35

@fashionablefennel

because when you say yes for one, you can't say no for the next...
Absolutely. This happened with my friend's son. He was reluctantly allowed to have his girlfriend stay over. Then they split up and he invited a whole string of girls back (not all together!). My friend would often come downstairs to be greated by some unknown girl making coffee. They then told him he could no longer bring girls back for auditions!

I wouldn't be happy with the situation. They are 17 and 16, not legally adults. Guest room or nothing.

sonsmum · 02/06/2021 13:37

I see it as a positive sign that your son is asking you!
I'd be inclined to agree. If they are 'doing anything' they will do so either in your house or out of it, so far better that you provide a safe environment.
I'd encourage you have a conversation with the girls mum first and check she is onboard with the idea (and tell your son you will do this, as it will foster trust).

Angrymum22 · 02/06/2021 13:38

Dh16 (nearly 17) and girlfriend (same age) stay at each other’s houses. Had a good chat with her mum beforehand and although they have separate sleeping arrangements we turn a blind eye to what happens after lights out. I would rather they develop healthy sex life stone cold sober in an environment they feel safe than at drunken teenage get together where consent can become blurred.
Also exploring their sexuality in a stable emotional relationship is far healthier.